Yesterday we went to the graduation party of my nieces best friend, the one Tessa is named after. My niece is up visiting and it was wonderful to see her as well.
But something has been brewing inside of me for about a week and it finally surfaced and has hit me square in the heart.
For weeks I have been so looking forward to the end of the school year, and to seeing my niece and going to this party. Tessa is an amazing young woman, who is not only very smart, but funny,loving, compassionate, beautiful, and will do many great things in her life. She is the type of daughter any parent would love to have.
But for some reason, when I would think of her graduating, and this party I would tear up. I never could figure out why, but then late one night while rocking Tessa it hit me.... right in the heart!
As I sat rocking Tessa in the quiet, darkness of the night, I realized that the reason I was tearing up, and at this point crying was because I can't say for sure what my sweet, baby girls future will be.
Yes, I know she will go to school, she will read, write, talk, play, and have friends. She will graduate high school, possibly go to college, I hope she goes to school dances, has a boyfriend, knows love, all the things any parent wishes for their child.
But when I thought about my niece and her friend Tessa, and their lives, I can't help but feel sad. They too have done and will do all the things I wish for Tessa, but they will also someday have the joy and happiness of holding their own baby in their arms.
This was always my wish as a little girl, and I think most little girls, however this is something my precious little girl will never feel.
I know to some people this seems silly to worry about, but think about this, imagine this was your child.
Yes, Tessa is physically capable of having children, but she can not, and should not. This is something I struggle with all the time.I know she is only 16 months right now, and this is not something I need to worry about for a while, I still think about it. When I look into her eyes and see the love there, I feel bad that she will never experience that. Someday I will have to explain to her, that while we have raised her to be no different then any other kid, she is in fact different. And like it or not, life is not fair.
I sometimes have to stop myself from thinking these things, and for thinking too far in the future. Like any mother of a "typical" child I do some days think about the future and what it holds for my kids. I have concerns and some anxiety about Travis too, but as he has gotten older, I have seen him overcome so much, and be so strong, that I have a greater sense of calm about his future.
So just like with many things since Tessa has been born, I find myself more aware of my thoughts and feelings about many issues. It is for this exact reason I started this blog. To show that we are like any other family, but also my life isn't always perfect, happy, or pretty, but it is always real. I need a place to write "voice" my feelings and concerns, to be honest about them. Some I am not proud to think or feel, but I can not hide them either.
While not remotely comparable in most ways, I do remember a very heated discussion in my September Mom's to be expecting club in iVillage. It was in June when most of us were finding out what the sex of our babies was. Most of us were thrilled, some shocked, and some sad. Some of us found out there was a problem with the baby, but most were just fine. The arguments started when people expressed disappointment that they were not having the boy or girl they wanted or hoped for. Some said that we shouldn't have those feelings because others had already miscarried and it wasn't fair to them for us to feel any loss.
ReplyDeleteBut I understood because I sort of felt let down too. Not that a boy was bad, and not that I didn't want a son... I just felt like all of those dreams of putting hair in pony tails and putting her in dresses, they all died when I had that ultrasound. It is hard to grieve the loss of a dream, and that is what you are feeling.
No matter how much harder someone else may have it, your struggles and feelings are still valid. We all say at some point that our kids are driving us nuts, but no one ever thinks that we mean we don't love them. Why is it that we cannot express how we feel when they either don't want to live up to the dreams we have always had for them or because they just cannot?
Anyway, I'm here to tell you that I get it. The challenges may be different, but the feelings are the same. I will also never know what it is like to look at my daughter holding her own baby. That is the loss I felt when I found out I was having a boy. It seems selfish, but I think it is more universal than anyone will admit.
Joy