Some Thoughts While Rocking Tessa

So like usual I have many thoughts while rocking Tessa at nap time and bedtime. I do some of my best thinking during this time.

Today I was looking at her while she was sleeping, and felt tears in my eyes. I was thinking about how blessed I am, not just by her, but by everything.

I think sometimes we, myself included, sometimes don't always take the time to see situations for what they are or could be. I use to be really bad about this. Every time something went wrong or not as I expected I would become upset, sad, frustrated. I would see myself as a victim, or being wronged in some way. I didn't like feeling this way, I always tried to not feel this way, yet I think we all think like this from time to time. I believe it is human nature, yet I also now believe & know it can be changed.

When Travis was little and was so sick, and having surgeries on his eyes I use to always think God was punishing me somehow. I wasn't sure why or what I did, but I always assumed it was my desire to have a baby so bad. I felt like God was telling me, "OK, I will let you have a child, but you will be given a sick child with many issues, your life will not be what you dreamed about, and then maybe you will except my plan for you from now on."
Now, yes, I know this seems off the wall, and really why would he be so mean and vindictive? But I have always felt like I was being punished for not being grateful for what I had.

Fast forward to 2010, I have it pretty easy. I had 2 amazing blessings, I was busy being the best mom I could and I loved my life. Then I find out right before my 41st birthday, I am going to have a baby. Yikes, the thoughts of being punished all came back. Why? Why now?
But then I saw that this wasn't some test this was amazing, I was going to be given another child, and I was grateful. Then the news comes that it is a girl, YES I was finally getting the one thing I had always dreamed about and I felt lucky. The good news & happy feelings were soon met with heartbreak and sadness. It looks like there might be something not right with my little girl.

Yep, there it was again, the feeling I was being punished yet again for wanting something so much. I cried for weeks wondering  Why me again? I finally had to put it out of my mind and accept the fact I was not in control over this. I was blessed with a baby at this point in my life & whatever she does or doesn't have is not an issue, it can't be. She is mine and I love her too much to worry.

It was at this point I realized that I am lucky, I am blessed and I need to see things for what they really are.

I look at Tessa everyday and I am overwhelmed with love. She is so pure, and innocent. She loves everyone and enjoys every moment with every ounce of her being. She finds happiness and laughter in the smallest things. Life is hers for the taking and she is living every moment to the fullest.
She has taught Dennis, the boys and me to really stop and enjoy the little things, see the things that have been right in front of us all along, yet we were to busy or unwilling to see. We find the beauty in everything.

Don't get me wrong, life is tough, and sometimes it sucks. Sometimes I don't know if I can handle what is given to me, or what I have to do.
But, I have realized that everything has a purpose. Sometimes we are dealt a crappy hand, sometimes we have to endure more heartache and pain then we ever thought imaginable. I believe these are the things and moments that shape us, change us, open our eyes to what our purpose is, makes us who we are, and who we should be.
But the only way this can happen is if we are able to take a little time to grieve, be sad, angry, helpless, and then pull ourselves up and look past it all. We have to look passed the crap, and see the light, the possibilities, the purpose. We need to see the good in the situation, the blessings we still have, and the blessings yet to come. Sometimes out of the greatest moments of sadness comes the greatest opportunities.

Tessa having Ds made me very sad, I still get sad when I think about her future. I believe she will have an amazing life, but I also know there will be some heartache. She will have to deal with those that don't understand, or are just plain old cruel. But I also believe she is so amazing, and precious that she can also teach others to accept her and others with disabilities. I also feel it is my job to help her do this. I was blessed with Tessa, but I also must share her with others, so that they too can see how lucky the world is to have her and all children / adults with Ds in it.

I see my life as a huge gift, I have been blessed to have married my best friend, I have Travis & Kaden, who teach me everyday about life & love. I feel extra blessed to have the most incredible daughter. She completes my life, and our family. I now see Why Me!!!
Everyday, I wake up, and say a little prayer of thanks for the wonderful life I have been given, and for the opportunity to cherish the little things, and the courage to make the tough choices & fight for my loved ones happiness too.

Remember even in the darkest & toughest of times, we will survive and come out on the other side stronger, determined, changed, but also blessed & loved. And when the darkness clears you will see the answer to Why Me!