When Travis was born the thought of him growing up graduating high school, going to college, and starting his own life away from me was a lifetime away. Here I sit halfway through his senior year, and I find myself panicking. some days I describe the feeling like almost a loss of someone. I know in my heart this is what he has been busting his butt for, that I have been trying to prepare him for. its my job to teach him all he needs to know to survive in the real world, and yet I can't imagine him not being here everyday.
Yes, I want him to be independent, and successful. I want him to be very happy, to love his life, and maybe someday find a wife, and have his own family. I have always said my job is to raise them, teach them, and make sure they are ready for the real world. My hope is they know that no matter how old they are, or how far away they are, we are, and always will be here for them.
And yet in spite of all of this, it hurts to let him go. I tear up thinking about his graduation ceremony, which happens to occur on his 18th birthday. I tear up thinking about taking him to college and leaving him there and driving the 3 1/2 hr drive home. I struggle with how I am going to do it, and just how much I should let him know it is all ripping my heart out. I don't want him to feel bad or sad about any of it.
I have been trying to figure out what my role becomes, how do I do this. I need to find the words to let him know I want him to go, be his own person, create memories, and start his adult life. I don't expect to be told of every decision, idea or change, but hope I am still one of the people he wants to share the highlights & low points of his life with. I have to find the line I have to balance on, the one where I am giving him his space, yet not making him feel he is not a part of this family.
And I worry! I worry if we go on vacation, or do something fun, exciting, or make changes will he feel left out? Will he know, and understand that while we are caring on with life, we so much want and wish he was there too. I worry if he will be scared, will he be lonely, will it be too much pressure, will he feel like he has to be the best, and if he isn't will he think I will be disappointed?
I never went to college, I moved out the day after I turned 18. I worked & struggled, I made mistakes. I was also made aware of all the things I did wrong, how I needed to grow up, to be more responsible. I worried I would never find happiness, that I would forever be trying to find the life I wanted, the life I thought I deserved.
When I was in high school I lived with my dad, and stepmom. I didn't know where my mom was living or how to get ahold of her, I had to wait for her to call or send a letter. When I was having typical teenage problems, I didn't have my mom. When I went to prom 2 times, I didn't have my mom there offering advice or helping me get ready. But, the biggest time in my teenage years was graduating from high school, it was a big accomplishment and even though I wasn't a good student, I was still graduating. I wanted my mom there, I wanted her to see me graduating, I wanted her to be proud, but she wasn't there.
don't get me wrong, my stepmom filled in for all those milestones for me, she was happy for me, and loved me. But I needed, wanted, and missed my mom. I wished she wanted to be there, for me.
I really believe because of this I find myself unsure of what I am suppose to do for Travis. I want to be supportive, but not overbearing. I want him to know I am so proud of him, and that I love him so incredibly much. I will be there for every milestone in his life, big or small, if he wants me too.
But the biggest thing is, I am not ready to let him go, and if I am truthful, I don't think I ever will be. I had Travis as my buddy, he was an only child for 6 yrs.
I know I will get through this, and I know he is ready. I know he will be just fine, and will do great. I know he will make a new life, and he will be happy. I know all of this in my head and in my heart. But if I am going to be totally honest, I also knew my heart hurts too. I am sure many moms have felt this way to some extent, and some never had these fears, thought, or inability to let go. But, this is me, this is real, and it is going to be for a while. So, for now I carry on everyday wishing I could stop time, and wishing I could see into the future too, If I could see his future I would never worry if he was going to be ok, and I could prepare him for any bumps along his road of life.
I will never be ready, and yet I know it doesn't make a difference, life will go on. I will cope, I will be OK and so will Travis. And, until my last breath on this earth, he will always be my 1st born, my baby boy, 1 of my 3 amazing reasons for living!
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