Yay, We Are Booked...Finally!

So yesterday was the big day in Disney planning. I usually start thinking about our next vacation on the drive home from Disney.
Yes, I know this sounds insane, seeing as we go every 3 yrs. But you have to understand it is like a coping skill I do. If I didn't start thinking about the next one I would be very depressed to be leaving. I am still very sad, but knowing we have another to plan for helps. When we were driving home from our last trip in October of 2010, I started thinking about this trip, and was very excited to start planning.

This one is going to be big in terms of firsts & lasts. This will be the first time we will go with all 3 kids, this will be a first trip for Tessa, this will be the first time I get to experience Disney World with a little girl.
But the lasts make me sad too. This will be the last trip for Travis as a kid, it will be the last time I have all 3 of my kids with while they are all kids.

We will still take trips with all 3 in the future, but the next trip Travis will be in college, and possibly unable to go due to classes, and money. Yes, we are mean parents and will require him to help pitch in towards the trip if he chooses to come after the age of 18. (we just aren't made of money, yet)

So I had the dates planned since October of 2010, now I just needed to wait till that ever important day when Disney releases their prices for 2013, and opens the reservation window for 2013.
I quickly did some final calculations earlier this week, trying to guess when the kids will have off school for MEA (3rd Thursday, Friday in Oct). I panicked when I discovered the dates I was assuming were wrong!

OH CRAP!!!

MEA falls on the week of Columbus Day in 2013. Why is this bad, well we will be arriving the day before Columbus Day, thus our first day in the parks is.... Yep, Columbus Day!
The parks will be busier then normal, but I have heard the crowds die down a lot after. *SIGH* Crisis over!

Sent in my info for what resort we were wanting, dates, our info, and what type of package we wanted. I was set.
Yesterday, I get my quote. Hmm.... I change my mind, change resorts, no problem. Got my new quote, find the credit card, and... Booked it!!

We will be gone 16 days total with drive time (can't afford to fly & don't like to), we will have 11 nights & 12 days at Disney World. Now the fun begins. While some think there is plenty of time to plan everything, there isn't. I feel a great amount of stress (good stress) about making sure everything is thought of and taken care of. This is the one time, every 3 yrs we all go on vacation as a family. Dennis works long & hard to provide this for us, and he enjoys the relaxation of no responsibility. He tells me to just tell him where to be and what time. He is a different person, and we cherish this family time more then anything. We don't have the worry or stress of regular life for those short 16 days.
I want to take extra care and time to make sure this trip is as extra special as possible, due to all the firsts & lasts.

I hope to take lots of pictures, plan many special moments, and just really take it all in through Tessa's eyes. I may even try to do a blog post while there as well, but if not I will periodically update and post to face book during our trip. I am sure like usual in the past I will be in constant contact with my brother and his family, as well as texting pictures to them. I am so fortunate to be so close to my brother & his family, then when either of us goes on vacation we text and send picture frequently to each other each day. We tend to live vicariously through each others trips.

Oh, and Dennis through me for a loop last night, normally I just tell him the brief details, and how much I need to pay for a deposit. Last night he wanted to know the final price..Yikes!!!
Let's pray for a discount to be announced next year!!

Today Is All About Kaden!

Today is Kaden's birthday! He is 9, and I am sitting here wondering where the time went. It seems like just yesterday I was checking into the hospital to be induced with what I believed at the time was my last baby.

Look how cute he was, he was also at that time my smallest baby.

No, that isn't Kaden holding a baby, that is Travis holding Kaden!!

He is such a very smart, funny, creative,and active little boy. He is always making me laugh, and, amazing me with his creativity and imagination. He never sits still, and is always thinking.

When asked what he wanted for his birthday, he only said he wanted to skip it this year. He doesn't feel like being the center of attention.
We have come to a compromise, I made 42  cupcakes ( he couldn't decide between yellow cake or chocolate, we did both) with red and blue frosting, we have Lego candles.
We will go to Red Lobster for dinner so he can have crab legs, and we will take him shopping so he can pick out some presents.

I have a hard time believing that he is already 9, and will be a 4th grader in the fall. I remember someone once told me, "if you think time is going fast, just wait till you have kids." And I have to say, they were right.

So today, we are all about Kaden, and making him feel as special as we can. Birthdays are a big thing when you are a kid. I don't ever want my kids to not feel extra special on their big day.

So here are a couple pictures of Kaden now, yep looks just like his brother. And I think he is pretty darn cute too.

Have a great day Kaden. I hope you have only the happiest, and best life has to offer. I am so proud of you, and love you so much! ♥

Planner Or Spontaneous?

When I get up with Tessa in the middle of the night, I try to think about things so I don't fall asleep and sleep in the recliner with her.
I usually do some of my best thinking and problem solving while I am rocking her, or in the shower. I think it is because the house is quiet, and I have no distractions.

So at 3 am I was thinking about life, well my life and if I was a planner or just spontaneous. I came to the conclusion I am both!
I think it just depends on what the situation is as to which one I am.

If we are talking about a vacation or Disney, then yes I am a planner. BIG TIME!
If we are talking about the kids summer break or any school break, and weekends I am spontaneous.

When we have a Disney trip planned ( which lets me honest, is always) I make lists, and take notes, I visit message boards, blogs, any and every site I know to get the latest info, and to help plan so everything can be magical. Lets face it Disney is a big place, and it is expensive, but with the proper planning, research and attitude it can be amazing.
Also when you are traveling as a family that far from home for 16 days, you need to be organized and prepared. I have lists of things to pack, lists of things to buy to pack, and lists of things I need to do before going. Yes, I like lists, a lot! I plan these trips out 3 yrs in advance, in fact I start planning when to go back on our drive home.


Now I can be spontaneous too. When the kids are in school I have to be on top of everything. I have Travis's schedule, Kaden's, Tessa's, and Dennis's. I have to make sure everyone is where they are suppose to be on the right day and on the right time. This isn't always easy because sometimes I am needed in more then one place at any one time. Sometimes Dennis can help, but most times he can't. Between school, Dr's appointments, Tessa's therapy, grocery shopping, and laundry I have my hands full daily.
So it shouldn't be a surprise I don't like to plan anything during the weekends, school breaks, and summer. I prefer to just have a list of things we want to do, and then see how I feel each day.
During the summer I don't like being tied to any strict schedule. We watch the weather,and make a choice as to what to do the next day, but we aren't locked into that plan either.
If we had a bad night, and didn't sleep well, we just don't go. We tend to have many lazy relaxing days because we are going so much during the school year.
The only down fall of this is if someone wants to come with us to the zoo, or elsewhere it is hard to plan, because I feel locked in. We enjoy having people come with on our adventures, but sometimes we decide to go spur of the moment, when we wake up.

So the plan for today is play with every toy & make big messes, OK?

Now I know both of these scenarios are annoying. Being a neurotic over planner is irritating to some, but also being a spur of the moment, go when the spirit moves you type is also frustrating too.
I know this, and do feel bad sometimes, but my obsessive planning for Disney has always worked amazingly well for us, and frankly my kids enjoy being lazy and spontaneous during the summer. And if you know anything about having a child with Aspergers and Anxiety you would understand how getting Travis to be this way during the summer is a major accomplishment. We are so tied to schedules and routine because of this that I welcome this change with wide open arms and big smiles.

So... What type are you?? Planner or Spontaneous??  And why?

Sorry It's Not Worth My Time!

I had a post ready to go the other day, but I have made a choice to not post it. The reason behind this has nothing to do what so ever with things that have been said. I wrote a post a while back about finding the positive in everything, and I am choosing to find the positive.

So to those who like to think they know me, my life, and like to spread & believe lies about me, I wish you happiness and clarity in your life.

I am now going to move on with my amazing life, I hope you too can someday be as lucky.

Some Things I Hate To Admit

When I was little I had this vision of what my kids would be like, I had my life planned out, and it was going to be perfect.
I would have perfect, healthy, smart kids, I would have a perfect drama free life, I was going to have it all. And why did I think this?? Because I deserved it.

But, as we all know life isn't like that, and anyone who says their life is, is lying.

What I got was married, had a stepson, had 3 kids and I am a stay at home mom. Nothing is perfect like I thought, but it is perfect like I was meant to have.

But I would be lying if I said I am or have always been happy and content with what I have been "dealt" in life. While some women cringe & shutter to think of telling the truth about their feelings, I think it is only fair. I am not always proud of these feelings and thoughts, but I have to own them.

When Travis was diagnosed with Aspergers I cried, A LOT!! I knew nothing about it and when I was told it was a form of Autism I freaked. He was my perfect little boy, I was not suppose to have a child with something "wrong" with him. But I researched, and read every little thing I could. I learned how to deal with it and soon figured out that I had been dealing with many of his "quirks" for years and this is no different. I did have a hard time with his severe anxiety, but I too had some anxiety , so I had to deal with and adjust for both of us. I needed to suck it up, deal with the things that made me anxious to show him it was OK.

I am not proud to admit, I was sad, scared, and yes, in the beginning embarrassed to admit my son had Aspergers!

I am happy to say not much with Kaden made me have bad thoughts and feelings. I worried he would never talk, but that was soon fixed and he won't shut up now.

But then there is Tessa.
I was not planning to have another baby, I wasn't happy to find out I was pregnant. I briefly thought about not having her. This was all within the 1st week of finding out I was pregnant.
When I had my 1st ultrasound at 20 weeks and I was told she might have Down syndrome, I cried, A LOT! I had no solid proof other then a slightly thickened Nuchal fold. I would have to wait 3 weeks to see a high risk Dr.
Here is where I have to admit to the thoughts and feelings I am not proud of.
I did not know anything about DS. I only knew the stuff I was told growing up and what I had seen. When I was younger there were kids in school with DS, but they were picked on, made fun of and never had friends. They always seemed to have not nice fashionable clothes on, always had crappy haircuts and it seemed like their parents didn't care if they looked the part of what we back in the '70's called the R-word.

I was terrified that Tessa was going to have DS, and no matter what I tried she would look the part. I was afraid she would not be cute, she would be impossible to raise, and that everywhere I went she would be embarrassing to me.
A week after I had my ultrasound we went to Disney World. I was so very happy to be having a girl, but was so torn when I would look at the little girl stuff there. I had always dreamed of having a little girl to dress up and shower with all things pink and girly, yet I felt like I was possibly being cheated. While we didn't know for sure if she had DS, I knew in my heart she did. I was mad, why would I finally be given a little girl only to be given a "broken" one.
I struggled with buying her cute frilly things, because I feared people would laugh at me and her. I worried that people would think I was in denial of her not being cute.

It makes me so sad to admit these things now, because I can't imagine ever treating her any different then any other little girl. She is beautiful, she is smart, and she could never embarrass me. She deserves to have frilly, pink girly things, and she deserves to have the best of everything.

Tessa is not "broken", she isn't a cruel joke God was playing on me. She is in fact the exact little girl I was always meant to have, I just didn't know it back then.

I have accepted both Travis & Tessa's Syndromes. I would never change anything about them, and if you told me tomorrow you could cure them both, I would say "No Thank You".
Don't get me wrong, I do truly wish they didn't have the challenges they have and will face in their lifetimes, but I also know these things help make them the strong, amazing kids they are.

Tessa and Travis have so much fun together!!

I am better when it comes to Travis now, I don't cry anymore. But I have to admit, I do still cry when it comes to Tessa. Some days I don't know why, others I do. I also know it is completely OK too.
When you have a child with DS, you love your child so much, you are proud of them and wouldn't change them, BUT you also are mourning the life and child you had envisioned. I have been told that some moms have taken 5 yrs to completely stop crying. Will I take that long, or will I take longer???? I don't know, but I do know as time goes by I have to keep being honest with myself and others with my feelings and thoughts. I think keeping them inside, or pretending everything is OK 24/7 is wrong and painful.

So there you have it. Trust me there will be many more post like this one as the kids grow, and I become more comfortable admitting to these things.

Thoughts and Feelings I Wasn't Aware Of

Yesterday we went to the graduation party of my nieces best friend, the one Tessa is named after. My niece is up visiting and it was wonderful to see her as well.
But something has been brewing inside of me for about a week and it finally surfaced and has hit me square in the heart.

For weeks I have been so looking forward to the end of the school year, and to seeing my niece and going to this party. Tessa is an amazing young woman, who is not only very smart, but funny,loving, compassionate, beautiful, and will do many great things in her life. She is the type of daughter any parent would love to have.
But for some reason, when I would think of her graduating, and this party I would tear up. I never could figure out why, but then late one night while rocking Tessa it hit me.... right in the heart!

As I sat rocking Tessa in the quiet, darkness of the night, I realized that the reason I was tearing up, and at this point crying was because I can't say for sure what my sweet, baby girls future will be.
Yes, I know she will go to school, she will read, write, talk, play, and have friends. She will graduate high school, possibly go to college, I hope she goes to school dances, has a boyfriend, knows love, all the things any parent wishes for their child.
But when I thought about my niece and her friend Tessa, and their lives, I can't help but feel sad. They too have done and will do all the things I wish for Tessa, but they will also someday have the joy and happiness of holding their own baby in their arms.
This was always my wish as a little girl, and I think most little girls, however this is something my precious little girl will never feel.

I know to some people this seems silly to worry about, but think about this, imagine this was your child.

Yes, Tessa is physically capable of having children, but she can not, and should not. This is something I struggle with all the time.I know she is only 16 months right now, and this is not something I need to worry about for a while, I still think about it. When I look into her eyes and see the love there, I feel bad that she will never experience that. Someday I will have to explain to her, that while we have raised her to be no different then any other kid, she is in fact different. And like it or not, life is not fair.

I sometimes have to stop myself from thinking these things, and for thinking too far in the future. Like any mother of a "typical" child I do some days think about the future and what it holds for my kids. I have concerns and some anxiety about Travis too, but as he has gotten older, I have seen him overcome so much, and be so strong, that I have a greater sense of calm about his future.

So just like with many things since Tessa has been born, I find myself more aware of my thoughts and feelings about many issues. It is for this exact reason I started this blog. To show that we are like any other family, but also my life isn't always perfect, happy, or pretty, but it is always real. I need a place to write "voice" my feelings and concerns, to be honest about them. Some I am not proud to think or feel, but I can not hide them either.

8 Year Old + Robot = Happiness Overload!

Kaden is like all little brothers, he thinks everything Travis does is so cool, and can't wait to be big enough to do some of them too.
I think it is a bit harder for Kaden, because there is a 6 yr difference in their ages, so it isn't a mere 1 to 2 years he has to wait it is many.

Travis joined First Robotics this year and loved it. It is exactly the kind of activity he needed, and the fact it will open doors and provide amazing opportunities for him now and in the future only makes it better.
Kaden would always ask about the robot, how they were building it, and so many more questions. Travis always would try to explain and show him pictures and videos of it while they were building it.
When the time for the competition came Kaden was so excited to see them all in action, and was on cloud 9 when Travis took him down in the "pits" to see the robot close up.

Kaden has been keeping track of how old he has to be to join First Robotics, and to say he is excited is an understatement. Imagine his excitement when I told him we were going to a end of year team potluck last night & the robot would be there to see up close.

So last night was the night, Kaden had the biggest grin on his face when he saw the robot, and even asked questions about it. He kept his eye on it while we ate, and then they demonstrated it, explained how it worked and then gave out awards to the team. But then he heard the words he thought he would never hear and about went nuts with excitement: If anyone wants to try driving the robot, they could!!!

Needless to say Kaden was in that line and waiting as patiently as an 8 yr old could.
When it was his turn, I snapped this picture:

Could he smile any bigger??

He was so happy. I don't think I have ever seen him smile so big, and look so proud of himself. It is moments like this that melt my heart, not only is he so happy, but  for a brief moment he felt as big and as important as Travis.

8 Yr old + Robot = Happiness Overload!