1 year ago

I was driving this morning to take Tessa to the Dr again, and I felt sad. It was one of those times were you just tear up for what seems like no reason, but there is a reason.

I hate when this happens, but expect it from time to time. I was told that sometimes it takes a good 5 yrs to completely come to terms with a DS diagnosis. But this wasn't a sadness induced by that. This sadness I discovered was because I realized that 1 year ago, around this time my sister in law was here. I was sad because I was missing her & my brother and their kids.

When Tessa was born it was a happy time, yet it was stressful and incredibly sad for me. I needed help, comfort and understanding, yet the only people that were there to do it were Dennis, my step-mom, and my sister in law ( even though she was in Texas). I in a matter of a few hours learned that not only was my health at great risk due to my high blood pressure, but so was Tessa's. I was scared to be delivering her 4 weeks early & knowing she was going to be tiny, but there were many unknowns as well. Would she be breathing, would her heart be OK, did she have any other problems that weren't detected. I was scared, yet trying to be strong for the boys. I had my step-mom, Dennis, & the boys with me that night yet I was missing my sister in law.

 My surgery was a bit more complicated then it should have been & because it was I took a long time to recover. I tried to pull it together for Dennis & the boys, but I wasn't doing a good job. I of course had my step-mom willing to do any and everything I needed. I was just overwhelmed.

Then the call came about a week or 2 after Tessa was born. It was Chris & she had a plane ticket to come see me and help for a week. I was never so happy to see anyone before. I needed her reassurance that it would be OK, that Tessa was going to be OK. I can't even explain how much I appreciated her coming, how badly I needed her, not only as family but as a friend.
It was also when she was here that Tessa got to meet Tessa & her mom, Paige. I was glad to have Chris with because as excited and happy Tessa was to hear I named Tessa after her, I worried about what they would think of her.

Tessa is an amazing girl. She is my nieces best friend since 1st grade, she has a wonderful family and she is so very pretty, smart, funny, and loving. My fear was did they know Tessa had Down syndrome? What would they think? Would they feel insulted that I named my daughter after their amazing daughter. Would they just be saying she is cute to be nice, don't they see she looks different. These seem like strange things to worry about but I was.

It was all this going on in my mind, and I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Tessa is the last baby I will ever have. Yet I didn't have to feel so alone or scared, I had Chris here.

So today I was thinking back to what all was happening 1 yr ago today, and how far we have come and how big Tessa is. I was sad because I missed my family in Texas. But I also had happy tears because I have an amazing, beautiful, smart daughter & she has so many people who have embraced her, and love her like she was part of their family. She will always have family to help her, look out for her & love her, but she will also have a very special someone named Tessa who will do all that for her as well. I will always be grateful to Chris & Samantha for bringing Tessa & her family into our lives. I will always be grateful to Tessa & her family for loving and accepting Tessa for who she is. But I also am so grateful, happy and honored that Tessa is able to share the same name as someone so amazing and special.

So today's tears are because I miss my family in Texas so much. I'm sad because they don't get to see her as often as they & I want. Today's tears were also for the incredible people that love Tessa close to home and far away. My fears 1 yr ago were silly, but they were true fears at the time.

I have to wonder what I will be saying 1yr from now??