This post was inspired by a comment made to me on Facebook by my cousin. I spend a lot of time thinking about things while I am rocking Tessa, mainly it helps me keep from rocking myself to sleep too.
She had made the comment to me about getting respit care for when things get hard & I need a break. She had said "I know you like to pretend you can do it all, (said with love) or you do live up to your nickname." ( my nickname is Coo-Coo, I'll tell you the story later)
Now I have been thinking about this for a while. There are a few things that should be known about me to understand why hell would have to freeze over before I will leave my kids with anyone other then my husband, my sister-in law, my step-mom, or Travis's daycare lady when he was little.
My brother and I were left alone when were 7 & 9 years old, not for an hour or 2. We were left alone for the whole day & most the night. I remember being left at strangers (to me, not my mom) houses when I was 4 or 5. I remember waking up in a strange dark house wondering why my mom didn't take me home & when was she coming back. I could write many, many posts about my childhood & maybe someday I will, but for now, no.
I don't ever, ever want my kids to think I have left them, don't care about them, or don't want them around. My kids are my world. and there is nothing so important or special that I have to do that would require me to leave them.
I am with one or all of my kids constantly. I rarely go to the store without one of them with me. I don't get much sleep because I choose to not let Tessa cry herself to sleep. I don't want her to be sad or scared in the middle of the night & wonder why I am not there to comfort her. Now, I do comment on Facebook about lack of sleep, energy levels of my kids, needing a break, but the reality is I am venting. I wouldn't change one thing about my kids. I have made the adult decision to bring them into the world, they are my responsibility. I don't for a minute expect someone else to raise them or watch them for my own selfish, personal fun. Dennis & I have made the decision that our time is when they are grown, for now vacations, going out to dinner, everything includes the kids. Maybe we feel this way because we have known each other for so long, we have traveled and done fun stuff before the kids came. I don't know.
Now back to not being perfect.
I offer advice and suggestions to others based on my experiences with 3 kids. I have been through 7 surgeries with them to date. I have been through sedating Travis for tests, I have been through extreme illnesses, hearing loss, Aspergers diagnosis, and life with it for 7 yrs, IEP's, speech therapy, now the whole Down syndrome stuff and everything that goes with it.
I have a lot of life experiences with many things. I also have been blessed with children with "special needs" and as such there are things that are too hard to explain to others. I think most people who haven't seen what my daily life is like would be shocked. It isn't always pretty, it isn't always ugly either. It is what it is and I do it day in and day out because I have to, I choose to. I wouldn't change a thing about it all either. I love my kids.
I have learned over the years that you can't keep your sanity with all this going on unless you connect with other moms who have been there or are there. Almost everyday after school I let the kids play and I hang out and chat with 2 other moms who have children on the Spectrum. These women are the best. They are funny, they understand, and they are real about it all. Sometimes thing are funny, sometimes they make you want to scream, but it is all easier to deal with when you have someone who knows and understands and can laugh or cry with you.
I also have an amazing Down Syndrome parent group I go to once a month. They too are a great help. Some are still new to it like me & some have been on this journey for many years. We all can relate and they are a great resource to have. Sometimes they laugh, sometimes they want to cry, but they are always real. Having a child with Down syndrome is a challenge, but it is also fun and rewarding.
And even with all this I have one "typical" child to balance in the mix.
I am not perfect, I don't pretend to be, I am real, and I try to offer help and advice when & where I can.
Some days my life is chaotic, messy, insane, busy, frustrating. But it is also so rewarding, fun, happy, and incredible.
I don't have it all together, but I try. I also try to find something good out of every situation, to find something to laugh about and to stay as positive as I can. The one thing constant in my life is it is funny, some days I have to wonder if I am part of a prank show cause it is that crazy.
I am an airhead, I am stressed, I am being pulled in many directions on a daily basis, but I have to keep my head up & carry on. Life is too short to not have fun while living the icky parts.
So.... No I am not pretending to do it all, and anyone who knows me, or has seen my daily life first hand would know that.
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