It Is All About Me This Time

Yep, I am going to be writing all about me this time.  Wait...Don't leave just yet, it won't be that bad.

So yesterday I turned 43. I have to say it didn't bother me one bit. I had a quiet day with the kids, went to a meeting at the city to learn about how the state is going to be screwing up our road with their construction project, Dennis brought me a pretty pink rose & a bottle of apple pie flavored liquor of some sort. ( one of the customers brothers makes it). For dinner we ordered pizza.
Yes we are a really exciting bunch. But to me our birthdays are not that big of a deal, the kids have the big birthdays, not the adults.

So like usual I was rocking Tessa last night and I started thinking about what all I have been through, seen, done, and wished I had done up to this point in my life. I also thought about what things I hope to do, and accomplish in the future.

So far in my life I have been through much heartache, sadness, low selfesteem, and trauma.
But, I have also been through some of my greatest joys, found my inner strength & voice, and have become happier then I thought I would ever be.

I have many people and things in life to thank for making me who I am today. Sometimes there have been people and things that have been in my life that don't deserve any thanks because their actions, or lack of actions, and words were things that crushed me, my spirit, and self esteem. I admit I spent many years thinking I wasn't good enough or worth anything. I purposely avoided uncomfortable situations, many public settings because I felt like everyone around me was judging me.
I always had my brother to defend me in any situation I was being judge or treated unfairly, until about 5 yrs ago he moved to Texas.

I decided that right then and there I needed to grow a backbone and start learning to stop being a door mat, and start standing up for myself, my feelings, my kids and my life.
Sure this sounds all great, but it has been met with some resistance by some. I have heard so many times from a few people what a "bitch" I have become, how they don't know what happened to me because "I use to be so sweet, kind, loving" That I am such a "hateful person & I am so hurtful".

The thing is yes, I am a totally different person today then I was 5 yrs ago, but I am continually building my backbone & using my voice. The thing people don't realize is I am not really a "different" person, I am the same person  they have always known, EXCEPT, I am no longer screaming & crying inside from the hurt and sadness their actions and words were causing. I now voice my thoughts, feelings, ideas. I know I matter, if not to them, I do to me, my kids, and husband.
I am no longer the door mat they would walk all over, criticize, make fun of, use. I am no longer allowing my fear of upsetting, disappointing, or angering others to control my words, thoughts, or actions.

It may sound harsh, but I have started to put my wants, needs, and happiness before others. The only people who trump that are my kids and husband. The happiness in my own home is far more important than anyone else. I can't have happy in my home until I learn to be happy, content, and sure of myself.

So here I am today...43 yrs old, happy, content, and blessed beyond my expectations.  I  have 3 of the most amazing kids, and I also have a step-son who has grown to be a very amazing young man. I have no doubt all 4 kids will do great things in life. I have some incredible friends, and I have family members who love, and embrace us for who we are and not for what we can do for them.

I am excited to see what the next 57 yrs bring!!!