How Are You??

 How are you? 

No...Honestly, How are you?

If I had to answer that I'd always say "I'm good" Even now I say it a lot., Why? Great question... because in the past I was not, not even close to being "good", hell I wasn't even OK! 

Now, I do say it, and most of the time it's true, I really am doing very well. The other times, I say it because I just don't want to get into why I am not. I don't want to get into the reason after all this time I am still dealing with little offshoots of the shit-show I lived. None of it is big issues, it's just the crap that he still likes to pull, and it's annoying.

Sometimes when I'm not good, it's just the normal stresses of being an adult, and single mom to 2 adult children at home, as well as an 11 yr old with a disability. 

Are the kids OK, really OK?  Did I forget any of the bills?  What's for dinner?  Did I forget to put the clothes in the dryer? Did I do my timesheet? Just usual, normal random crap. But somedays that usual random crap gets overwhelming.

 Somedays I wish I could turn over the "adult in charge" role to someone else. Somedays I wish I had a normal, kind, loving husband to take over for a bit. But then I remember this life, and all the frustrations, stresses, and crap, is a life I wanted, wished, and dreamed of. I am living a life of happiness, freedom, and "calm". I am in control of my money, time and decisions. I don't have to ask before buying groceries, or going to target. I can buy the kids things they need, or want without having to ask first or get yelled at for asking if I can. I always try to remember where I came from, and even in those overwhelming, and stressful moments, I pause and remember to be grateful, and realized I am OK, and this is "normal" life.

So now when someone says "How are you"? I say "I'm good, could be better, but I'm good" and actually mean it.

We all have issues, we all have moments where we just want to scream and cry, and we all have moments where we just want to cry or give up. The thing I try to remember is that, it won't last forever, and how you perceive it, and the attitude you have impacts the outcome. I always try to find 1 good thing in every situation. Sometimes that thing is really hard to find, but there is always something, even if that something is you're still here. Life can be tough, but it's much harder if you feel sorry for yourself and walk around with a bad "poor me" attitude. 

Lately I try to find a positive in everything, but also end up finding something funny as well. I have found the kids and myself laughing a lot more at the "crappy" things then ever before. I find myself often saying "it's fine, it's going to be fine, it's all fine' then laugh, and whisper "serenity now". Life is way too short to be angry, stressed, or negative anymore. Shit happens, people are shitty, and you can't control any of it. However you can control how you react, perceive, or deal with it. Once you decide to stop the negative thoughts, and find the good & funny in it, life becomes easier. Stop staying "I wish" and start saying "I will", then start doing what it takes to make it happen. Get out of the situation if it's draining you, get a different job if its become pure hell being there, leave the marriage/relationship if it's not happy and healthy.

 Change is scary, and often hard, but in the end it is often the best thing, and you end up in the much better place. So Jump... Close Your Eyes, Take A Deep Breath, and JUMP!!!

Just make sure while you're waiting to land you leave all the negative crap, and ways you've done things behind. You will land on both feet, a bit damaged  and bruised, you'll be scared, lost and possibly sad, but you made the jump. Get up, smile, and start! You start with your new attitude, new plans, goals, and perceptions. You are in control, and anyone or anything that doesn't support, encourage or help you reach your new goals & life, don't get to come along, or be in it. Anyone that you allow on your journey should respect, and love you, make you happy, and work just as hard as you do to create your life together.

I have already jumped, and landed. I have started to stand up, and start my new life, and I am at a point where it's time to be brave, and open my heart to life, try trusting again. One day I will  find someone to continue on this journey with me, someone to share in all the happy & sad times, someone to go on adventures with, and share the boring everyday life with. I will find someone who wants to be with me, and is grateful for all life has to offer, someone who isn't perfect, doesn't try to be, and doesn't expect me to be either. I will find someone who will hold my hand through it all, and someone who will find the positive & funny in everyday. Someone who will laugh as often and as hard as I do about everything and nothing. But most importantly, someone I can trust!! Someone who won't run if it gets hard, someone who won't shut me out and ignore me when it's hard. Someone who makes promises and keeps them, and who says "I've got you", "I am not going anywhere", or "I love you", and they truly mean it. Someone who lets me into their heart, and trusts me when I say those things, and  knows I mean it all 100%.

So... For now I am working on me, life, everything. I know I will achieve my goals, I will be happy, my kids will be happy & healthy, and I will find my "someone" when the time is right. Who knows, maybe I have found them, and not know they are my "someone" just yet. 

So.. How are you???

I am OK, could always be better, but I am actually pretty good!!

It's Been 5 Years.... LOTS Of Changes

 It has been 5 Years since I blogged. I posted about our last Disney trip and all the issues and sadness. I couldn't image the pure hell the next year would be, but it was only the start of BIG changes!!

I need to first say I still have to be careful with sharing certain things or too much, but I can touch on some major points, and you will still know what has been going on. I just need to be careful for legal reasons, which you will understand soon.

We returned from our Disney trip in October 2016, it was abundantly clear things needed to change, and I also was realizing they weren't going to. I tried with everything I had to save my marriage, a marriage I knew from day one was in trouble. I ignored all the red flags, and was sure I could make it work. It was very clear in 2013, it was getting worse, but again I needed to just "fix" it. By 2015 there was an incident where is was as clear as day, I was not cared about and I still thought IF I would just try harder I could be the "perfect" wife, and things would change for the better.

Fast forward to our Disney trip, and the thing others had been seeing happening right out in the open, right under my nose, and I denied and made excuses for, was infract really happening. It had been going on for 2 years! I was devastated, depressed, sad, and feeling hopeless and trapped.  I confronted him many times only to be gaslight and further mentally and emotionally abused. I was determined that I had to put every last bit I had into trying to fix this, because if I was heading towards a divorce, I needed to look my kids in the eye and say "I tried everything I could to fix this"

Travis came home in May of 2017 for the summer, and I was so happy to have all my kids home. but that happiness changed to deep sadness and feeling like I had failed my kids. Travis texted me and asked me to come to his room, he needed to talk to me. I walked in to Travis crying, really crying and upset. He told me he felt like his dad had changed, that he acted like he hated me, and that he treated me like shit. I could not believe he was seeing what I had been living for many years, and that I failed at hiding it from my kids. I told Travis things had been strained and I was honestly not sure what was going to happen. I told him I would stay if that is what he wanted. Travis through his tears said " you haven't been happy for a long time. Dad acts like he hates you and us kids, he is never around, and never wants to do anything with us. You do what you need to and we will be OK" Travis tried talking to his father only to be lied to, and even wrote a letter to him before returning to college, again only to be completely ignored.

Things blew up at the end of September and I filed for divorce. It was sad, scary, and a big relief too.  Things got much worse at home, and it was a nightmare.  My divorce was finalized in October 2018, and yet today I am still dealing with crap. I had hoped it wouldn't end this way, and I naively hoped he wouldn't continue to drag stuff out nearly 3 yrs later, but I am learning he is hell bent on making sure I am "punished" and he wasn't joking when he told the judge I needed to be. 

There is some good in all of this though. The kids and I moved to a nice apartment, lived in a safe, clean, and normal area. We had lots of walking paths and parks to utilize and were learning what it meant to be "normal" and happy.  Travis Graduated college in 2020, and we all moved into an amazing house with lots of room, a play house for Tessa and a fenced in backyard. we are loving our new home, and are still adjusting to being in a neighborhood, where people are nice, and actually being part of a community, having friends, and feeling safe, happy, healthy and respected. Kaden Graduated high school in 2021, and was able to do so with his last named changed at school to my maiden name. 

It would be fair, and truthful to say I am changed, and I am healing. But it would also be fair and truthful to say I changed back to who I was before I was broken, the girl who was always inside me screaming and crying, wanting to be respected, cared for and loved, wanting to have a  normal life. I learned through therapy that the life I had lived for 21 years, and the life my kids knew for their whole lives was not normal, it was destructive and not healthy in anyway. I didn't deserve any of it and neither did they.

 But we are all healing. We have done more new adventures as a family- a new little family, then we ever did prior to the divorce. My kids are seeing what a family looks like, acts like and feels like. They are learning that I can and will do everything in my power to protect them and give them the life they need, want and deserve. We are good, and we are happy!

***Obviously there are many missing details, but I have gloss over them. I want to get back to blogging, and being the honest and open person I have always been, but I have to choose how transparent I am with certain things for now****

Disney again, Expectations, Lessons Learned

I want to start out saying there are few happy & positive things in this post.  I have from day one of this blog been brutally honest with my feelings & emotions, and that never going to change.

We went to Disney World again on September 23rd. I was excited & sad right from the beginning. This trip Travis would not be joining us, he has college, and a trip wouldn't work. In hindsight   I feel it's best he couldn't based on how the trip went.
Like all our other trips we had 11 nights/12days, we were driving & I was beyond excited to be in my happy place, with my kids  spending quality time together. I should add, we only take a trip all together as a family every 3 yes, my husband works a lot and this is our chance to recharge, reconnect & be together.

We have always had a strict rule of never taking others with, it's just too hard & we have a system worked out that works for us. This time we broke that rule.
My cousin flew in from Montana, and we brought my husbands 2nd cousin with too. They both were go with the flow for planning & honestly didn't think it would be bad.

I had big expectations for this trip, we were celebrating our 20th anniversary & I had planned to have many pictures of us celebrating. I have ZERO!! I also have ZERO pictures of us with Kaden& Tessa. What do I have??? Tears, a deep profound sadness & hurt.

I was so worried & stressed before this trip, worried that both our guests enjoyed themselves, that they don't feel left out of anything. How could I have know the person not only feeling left out, but also who was being left out was ME!!!

From the moment we left, until we pulled back into the driveway I was an afterthought. I sat alone with my kids away from my husband on the bus, on rides, at most meals I was on the opposite side of the table, even walking I wasn't the one walking next to my husband, I was the one about 100 ft or more behind walking with the kids.

We have pictures that Disney took, and there is not one of my husband & I together, or together on a ride. We had buttons we wore letting people know of our celebrations at Disney. My cousin had a birthday one & a first visit. He had been once as a child, and he was celebrating his 40th birthday.  My husbands 2nd cousin had a first visit button because she hadn't been since she was a child & she is 22. We had buttons for our anniversary too.
Sadly since we didn't sit next to each other or even walk together, people were offering congratulations on the anniversary to the 2 people that were always together, my husband & his 2nd cousin. There are lots of pictures of  them enjoying rides, at dinner, I even have pictures of them riding the bus ( I wanted a picture of my daughter between them).

Our trip started out with a hiccup, on our second day, we came back to our rooms to see a huge cockroach on some clothes. After 3 hrs of hassles we were moved to a different resort to 2 rooms on different floors. We got a late start the next day with switching1 room again & packing our stuff to move. The 3rd day we were up late trying to locate our lost luggage, which cause us to sleep in again.
It became very clear my plans were going out the door when I got complaints of having to get up.
I was continually changing plans, and becoming increasingly aware I & my feelings were not a priority or even a thought. I made many attempts to sit with my husband either at meals or on rides only to be shoved to a different spot. I tried so hard to not be sad or upset, I tried to convince myself it was no big deal, but the truth was it was & I was very hurt & very sad.

On our last day in the parks the kids were sick & miserable, so I choose to let them sleep in & my cousin stayed back  at the hotel  to change his flight due to the hurricane. I told my husband to just go to the Magic Kingdom without us, we would join them shortly. It took me longer to get the authorization needed to add 2 nights to our stay due to the hurricane too.

I was getting texts saying what rides they were doing& asking when we were getting there. I kept letting him know we were trying but things were busy & it was taking a while. I then received a text that they had went ahead & did the 2 rides Kaden was looking forward to doing with his dad. My heart sank & I felt sick. Why?? Why did he not wait for us, why would he disappoint Kaden?
The answer I was given was he didn't know, but he had been told multiple times, again we weren't thought of.
My heart shattered into a million pieces when after dinner my husband, his 2nd cousin, the kids & I went back to the Magic Kingdom to ride a ride Kaden wanted too. I was TOLD they were going   ride some rides together, leaving the kids & I alone yet again. I was never asked if I wanted to go on a  ride with him.
While walking my husband was pushing the stroller, he & his 2nd cousin were a bit a head of the Kaden  & I, Kaden walked up by Dennis, and was trying to walk with him, when his 2nd cousin started walking, cutting in front of Kaden forcing Kaden to step back & not run in to her. She then walked next to my husband, shoulders nearly touching just like they did the whole trip. Kaden came back by me and said "I guess I'll just walk back here again."  Soon Dennis, the stroller & her were so far ahead we were lost in the sea of people for about 15 minutes, we couldn't even see them. Once we finally caught up, I told him we can't walk that fast, we just ate & Kaden didn't feel good.

After the kids & I rode 2 rides it was clear Tessa was done, she was so hot, tired, and was sick too. Kaden said he didn't feel well either & wanted to go back to the hotel. It was already 10:15pm, so I agreed we call it a day. It was then I received a text saying they were going to get fastpasses, when I ask why & for what I was told never mind they would just wait in line. I then told him the kids were not feeling well & we needed to go back to the hotel. My text was ignored, I could see them both in line, reading my text & ignoring it.
I took the kids to the bus & had Kaden help with Tessa, the stroller, water  bottles & backpack getting onto & off of the bus. I got kids ready for bed, gave them meds & we laid in bed to relax a bit. Imagine my surprise, anger, sadness & hurt to open the Disney App to see the went on many more rides & were having the time of there life. It was then Kaden started crying because he realized he never got to ride the 2 things he really wanted to, the 2 things his Dad & her had done without us earlier that day.

I was furious that even though the kids were sick, they continued to enjoy our family vacation.  I received a text about 2 1/2 hours after leaving that he was coming back & his phone had been in his pocket & low battery. We did briefly argue when he got back, and he admitted he did  see my text, but he didn't care.
Due to the hurricane we didn't leave on Thursday, we left Saturday. We spent those days just like the previous ones, the kids & I alone, them off together.  He did go to Disney Springs so we could go shopping, but he refused to go into the stores & wouldn't talk to Kaden on the bus, and only snipped at me & gave me looks like he hated me.  That evening Kaden & I fought the crowds to get food before the hurricane to eat for dinner & the next day. He said he
Didn't want anything, but upon returning to the room he left with her & they ate at the food court together while the kids & I sat in the room.


Friday he did take a walk around the resort, but it was not a really comfortable walk since I was trying to hold it together for the sake of the kids.
On the drive home I just wanted 5 minutes alone with him, hoping maybe a walk to the bathrooms at a rest stop, yet that would never happen. Every rest stop I'd go by myself, while they sat in the van with the kids, then they would go. I tried to go a few times when we stopped, but she would jump out & go with so I was told I could go next. A few times when we would all go I would try to wait, hoping to get a kiss, hold hands on the walk back, but it's impossible when they are attached at the shoulder. I do not know why this was the case for the whole trip, I really don't understand any of it.

I will say I was so deeply hurt & upset the night I took the kids, sick. back to the resort alone I was for the 1st time seriously considering if I wanted to stay.

I know it sounds crazy, but you have to remember these trips every 3 yrs are the ONLY time we go somewhere as a family, it's the one time the kids have his undivided attention away from work, it's a time for him & I to reconnect, have time alone without the distractions of work. The kids & I had this time taken from us, we can not get it back. We don't have the fun happy memories, we don't have the pictures, and we don't have anything to show for our 20th anniversary celebrations... no pictures, no quiet moments, not even a 5 minute walk alone.

I know we invited others along, but I never in a million years thought it would turn out like this. I am very grateful & glad my cousin came with, he helped me so much with the kids, he rode many rides with Kaden.

I will say this, I have learned we will never go in September again, and we will never travel with anyone again. If others go at the same time that's great, get your own room, make your own plans & we can maybe meet up 1-2 times for a bit.

Right now I can't even look at our photopass pictures Disney took of us & on rides it hurts way too much. I'm slowly unpacking, but cry the whole time. I honestly hurt so bad it makes me sick. What does the future hold??? I don't know, I guess time will tell.

There were a few good moments, seeing Tessa light up when she met Sofia the First, watching her giggle so had on Test Track & roller coaster. These moments bring me joy & happiness.

5 Years

Tessa turned 5 in January, and while time has flown by, there are moments that seem like a million years ago. I have many moments I regret, and some I wish I could have a do-over.

I am going to be brutally honest, because I feel many parents that have a child with a disability aren't often. I don't fault them, because often we are judged unfairly & harshly by either other parents, or by people who don't have a child with a disability.

I love Tessa just as much as my boys. I love her smile, her funny sense of humor, her tiny feet & hands, her beautiful blue eyes, with the amazing brushfield spots, her amazing zest for life, and her sweet kisses & hugs. I wouldn't change a thing about her, including  her extra chromosome.
But, I do have days I wished she didn't have to work so hard for the simple things that come so easy for her peers, that she didn't have to be frustrated when people don't understand her, when she is unable to communicate her needs & wants as easily.

There are days I hate that Tessa has Down syndrome!! There are days I hate that when trying to advocate for her, I become so overwhelmed I cry. I hate that I am not sure if what I'm doing is what is really best for her or is what she would have chosen for herself.

One thing I do know, is I can say I am trying my best, I am doing the research, I'm asking for advice from those that have been on this journey longer.

We are about to start a new chapter of her life, and while it's exciting, it's equally as terrifying too. Tessa will finally graduate from preschool next month, and she will be off to Kindergarten. It is hard to believe we are at this stage already, and yet it makes me sad to think time is only going to go much faster. Tessa has been in preschool since she was 2 1/2, including 6 weeks during the  summers, before that she had therapy every week from 6 weeks to 2 1/2 yrs. Tessa has not known a time without someone messing with her, trying to teacher her something in someway.
This summer she will have ZERO school or therapy!! She gets to be a typical 5 yr old, playing, laughing, experiencing life without a having everything being a therapy.

All too soon summer will be over, and the learning begins again. I feel good about my choice for her kindergarten. She will attend the same school the boys attended, its a small school, and it's perfect for her. She will have 2 amazing teachers, who can't wait for her to come, she has a great case manager/special ed teacher, who also is excited for her to come. Tessa will be fully included in kindergarten. She will be in a class of kindergartners and 1st graders. She will learn so much from her peers, and they will learn so much from her too. I hope she makes friends, and I hope they are patient & kind with her. She will still get Speech, OT, and PT. She will eat lunch at school, she will experience gym, music, art class. I am excited & can't wait to see her blossom during the year.
She is behind her peers, but she will be given the same work, only modified. Will she know simple addition/subtraction, how to read sight words, write her name by the end of the year? We have no clue, will her peers? Yes! But she will be given the same opportunities as her peers to learn those things, and someday, in her own time she will reach her full potential.

So when I look back on her first 5 yrs, I wish I could go back to that day in the Dr's office when I was told she had "soft marker" for DS, and tell myself it's going to be OK. I wish I could go back to the day she was born & I was alone in a dark hospital room crying myself to sleep after seeing her laying in the NICU and tell myself that it was going to be OK. I wish I could go back to my week in the hospital after having her, and tell myself to pick her up, love her, don't be scared she just wants to be loved & she is going to be OK.

I wish for the first few months I could have seen past her diagnosis, and seen how amazing she was, how much those around us embraced her & loved her.

I will never regret fighting every battle with family, friends, doctors, therapists & teachers over what I wanted for her, what she deserved. I will never regret fighting for her.

So here I am with the most amazing 5 yr old ever, and some days I can't believe I get to be her mom. I get to wake up to her sweet smile. I get to cuddle with her every night, kiss her, tell her I love her very much. I get to watch her drift off to sleep, and I know she knows happiness &  love.

There will be many more battles, many more sad, and tough moments in the future, but there will also be so many more happy moments, laughter, kisses & milestones.

I can not wait to see what the next 5 yrs hold!!

Slacking Again

I have been slacking on this again, but things have been so busy & I honestly haven't had a whole lot of time. There have been many new, exciting & interesting things happening, and I have had many ideas for things to blog about, but again time is short, and honestly some I just really felt best to not blog about.

Travis has finished his 1st semester of college, an while it had a few rough spots, he learned from them, and added them to life experiences. He is liking it, and really growing into the amazing adult I knew he would be. I miss him greatly, and still worry about him, maybe more then when he lived at home. I worry he will feel we are forgetting about him, or is he sad. But, I know he knows we think about him daily & he is not being excluded.

Kaden is having a great year in school, and he has grown so much both physically, mentally & emotionally. He has one of the best teachers, and he is his advisor too. He truly loves his job, and wants to see the kids succeed. He has reached out to Kaden, and shown him he matters, he told Kaden he believes in him. These words from him have given Kaden a boost in self esteem, and motivation to work hard. I see everyday Kaden is finding his passion & becoming more & more sure of himself.

Tessa continues to grow, and amaze us with her funny attitude & desire to learn. Her language is growing daily, and she really is becoming a "big" girl. She is loving her school, especially her Readiness class. (special ed class) She has really become more outgoing at school, made some friends, and is learning so much. We had one IEP meeting & will have a few more this spring to prepare for her transition to Kindergarten. We have finally got her a social worker, and while it took lots of paperwork, phone calls, and waiting it has been, and will be a good thing going forward. I am finding things can be hard, frustrating, and down right confusing  when navigating services, and finding resources for her. I am blessed to have found a great group of parents, and networks to help offer advice or assistance navigating it all. Because of this I agreed to take over as Parent Facilitator for our parent group. I figured if I can be someone to help other parents either by sharing my experiences or helping to find resources I need to do that, since I wouldn't know half of what I do, or have found the services without others too.

I also became an Independent Consultant for Pink Zebra. I love their products, and thought I would give it a shot. It has been slow going, but I have done a vendor event, and have been getting my name out there. I will give it time to take off, and just trying to make a little extra money to help with the bills.

So as you can see life has been busy, but it is all good. I want to start being more consistent with my blogging, and have many other projects, and ideas I want to do (try) in 2016.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, and you have a safe & happy New Year!

 

He Is Not Gone, He's At College!

We took Travis to college on August 22nd, we stayed until the 23rd.  I said my good byes, and cried a bit, cried more when I was driving, and lost it walking into the house.  I found myself  not able to function, and the physical pain was more then I could stand.
I tried to focus on Tessa & Kaden, getting them ready for school & surgery for Tessa, but I would just lose it whenever anyone asked how Travis was doing. I couldn't answer that because I didn't know. He seemed very nervous, and stressed, but he also seemed to be calmer then I expected too. I worried was he trying to be brave for me, was he actually terrified or sad?  I didn't know and the thought of him being upset, sad, scared or anything made me cry & feel like a failure.

From the day he was born I vowed to never let my kids feel like I wasn't there for them, or that I had abandoned them. I never wanted them to worry I wouldn't be there for them, yet at this moment I couldn't physically be there for him.

When Travis was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome & severe anxiety at the age of 8, our world changed. Every aspect of our lives was regimented. we followed a strict schedule, any changes had to be gone over extensively. I spent every moment watching, and anticipating situations that needed to be addressed to make it more comfortable. I did everything I needed to make life more safe, comfortable, calm, peaceful for him. I spent more hours in IEP meetings trying to make sure he got the best environment, staff & resources available to help him become successful. I made sure those around him understood he wasn't being a jerk, a baby, or I wasn't babying him, I was doing what needed to be done for him to even be able to function in this life. He wasn't trying to be rude, condescending, or anything else others thought, he was trying to learn to be more accepted by society, but somedays it was harder.

He had come along way in those 10 yrs before college. and he made some great progress. However he will always have Asperger's & anxiety, and no matter how much we all wish it wasn't so, it is. He will always struggle with many aspects of it ,there will be many things in his adult life that will be hard, very hard, and sad. I will always be here advocating, comforting, and teaching him, I will never give up on helping him. The ultimate goal for him, and for any child is to get them into college, get them out into the world, and see them successful & happy.

So yes, this was what we had worked for, but it was a big deal, and it was terrifying too.
He is 4 hrs away, if he has a bad day, I can't give him a hug and help him processes it. He is an adult, and there is only so much I can legally do to help him, without going to court & taking away his rights. FYI: This will never happen!!

So while this is the goal, and yes I am very happy, it still is hard, and I was still so sad. He worked so hard to get to college, he has known for a long time this is what he wants, and he has done everything possible to get here. He deserves to be in college, he deserves a good life, and he deserves to be happy while doing it.

I am happy to report, he is starting his 4th week of school, and seems to be doing just fine. The kids & I are going to see him in 2 days & I am so excited. I miss him, I miss our talks, I miss seeing his stuff here. But, I am so incredibly proud he is doing good, he's taking care of himself, and advocating for himself too. 

So for those who say how is it now that Travis is gone, I say....He is not gone, he is just at college right now!!

Finally....Our Disney Trips! Yes, I said Trip!

I haven't written about Disney in a long time, and we have since gone on our trip, and Travis and I have taken a mother/son trip too.
So I will post a bit about both trips, and a bit about our upcoming trip in about 14 months.

Our last trip was in October 2013, we again drove because it is most cost effective for us, and we really enjoy road trips. Driving gives us a chance to see many things we might miss if we flew, and lets be honest I always over pack, we shop way too much at Disney, and getting things there & back is not an issue. Now let me just say, I realize driving isn't for everyone, and I respect that, but for us it is all part of the fun.
Normally we leave after the kids get out of school on a Friday, and again that is what we did. We picked Kaden up early since he got out 50 minutes later then Travis. Our plan is always to drive all night, and all day Saturday till we get to the Georgia/ Florida boarder. We then stay the night, and start out for our final 4 hrs. This time we took a different route, and even with stopping to eat, go potty & letting Tessa play we were making good time. We discussed going straight through since Tessa was doing so good, and we would be arriving around 11PM. I called The Swan & The Dolphin resorts at Downtown Disney, but both were full. I then call Disney reservations to see if we could check in early, but they said there was nothing at Pop Century. Disney did have a room available at Coronado Springs Resort, so we took it. We were reassured it didn't matter if we arrived around midnight, sounds great! But we would not make it there by 12, in fact I no sooner hung up with Disney & Tessa went into meltdown mode. Great, we now have a nonrefundable reservation at Disney, and we are wondering if it is a mistake. We made a few stops to calm her and finally arrived at 2 AM.

Now, Disney always does an amazing job at customer service, and even at 2 AM they welcome you with a smile. Dennis, Tessa & I went to check in, and were greeted with smiles. They were amazing with Tessa, and asked if it was her first visit. They then provided her with 1st visit button, a balloon, coloring book, crayons, and autographed pictures of Winnie Pooh & friends, Mickey & Minnie, and the Princesses.
We quickly found our room and went to bed. The next morning we showered, packed up what little we brought in, and checked out the resort before doing a late checkout, and going to Pop Century for our stay.

We drove to Pop Century, and had a very smooth check in. Our rooms, yes 2 rooms were ready, so we went dropped our stuff off, and made a run to Walmart for Mt Dew, Coke, bottled water, diapers & wipes. This is one of the perks of having a car we were able to bring just what we needed for their trip down, and then stocked up there.  We spent the rest of the day relaxing and exploring the resort.

Since this was the 1st visit for Tessa we started our trip with the Magic Kingdom, and breakfast at Cinderella's Royal Table before park opening. This was worth the 2 dinning credits just to see the princesses, and the castle.
This was our first time using Magic Bands, and Disney was still in the testing phase so they were sending invites to guests to be in their test group, and we were lucky enough to be asked.
We really loved them, and because we were in the test group we could get the standard 3 Fast pass+, and then when those were used we could get  regular fast pass.  We really had a great time, and really just stayed in vacation mode the whole time. We really just go with the flow, we don't drive to the parks we take Disney transportation. If a bus is really full when it's our turn to board, we step aside, and let others get on, while we wait for the next bus. We try to just not let stuff bother us and try to make sure we show our appreciation for all the cast members hard work.
This time we made Dinning reservations at some old favorites, and also tried some new spots too.
We ate at: Raglan Road, Yatchtmans Steakhouse, Cinderella's Royal Table, Coral Reef, Teppan Edo, Crystal Palace, Ohana, Chef Mickey's, and  T Rex.  We also purchased the Memory Maker CD for all our pictures, dinning photos, and ride photos.

It really was a great trip, and it was so special, yet bittersweet too. This was the 1st time for Tessa to go, it was the 1st time with all 3 kids, and it was our last trip to be bringing Travis before heading off to college. Little did I know, Travis & I would be back in 1 yr.

Which brings me to November 2014, and Travis & I flying to Florida for a quick, whirlwind trip.
Travis had decided to tour 2 schools in Florida.  Embory Riddle Aeronautical University in Daytona Beach, and Florida Institute Of Technology in Melbourne.  We also decided that if we were going to be down there already we needed a Disney fix even if only for 1 1/2 days. I also wanted to spend a bit of alone time with Travis, and wanted to let him pick one park for us to visit, since had has had to sacrifice so much since Tessa has been born. He choose Epcot, and wanted dinner at Teppan Edo. We bought our plane tickets, and while I had not been on a plane in 10 yrs, I did my best to not panic. We booked a rental car, set up appointments, booked All Star Movies (where we stayed when Travis was 4), and bought our tickets to Epcot.
We flew into Orlando late on a Sunday night, picked up our car, and drove to Melbourne. Monday we had an appointment for a tour at FIT. After our tour, we drove up to Daytona Beach, checked into our hotel, and went down to the beach for dinner. It was amazing to see the ocean, and enjoy the nice weather in November. On Tuesday morning we checked out, toured Embory Riddle, and then went back to the Orlando airport to return the car, and hop on Disney's Magical Express for our hotel.
After checking in we dropped our luggage, went to Downtown Disney, and just took in all the sights & sounds of Disney. We were both so tired from all the traveling in the past 2 1/2 days, but also extremely happy to be back at Disney. On the way back we rode the monorail loop to all the Monorail resorts, and stopped at the Magic Kingdom to take a picture of the Christmas decorations at the entrance. I was a very happy girl, to see a touch of Christmas.
Wednesday Morning we were up early and at Epcot at park opening, wee had Fast passes to use, and Epcot had Extra Magic hours so we had till 11PM to take in as much Disney as we could. We laughed, rode rides, ate stuff from the Food & Wine Festival, sampled yummy drinks, and made amazing memories I will forever cherish. We were able to ride all favorite rides multiple times due to low crowds, fast passes, and utilizing single rider lines. We Met some great, and funny people while standing in line, including Bob from Jersey, and a man we called Rastafarian Dad. Our dinner at Teppan Edo was excellent as usual, and our chef was very funny, as well as all our table mates. We laughed, and really had an awesome time. We stayed till 11 when the park closed, and even though we needed to be at the bus stop for Magical Express at 5 am it was worth being tired.

So now we are planning our next trip, and I have very mixed emotions about it. I am very excited to be going back, and can't wait to see Tessa experience it again, I get sad thinking about Travis not being there. While he knows with college it just isn't possible to go with, I feel a bit worried he might feel left out. This next trip will be earlier then usual, due to the Ryder Cup being played in town, and the schools being closed for a week the end of September. We will be going Last week of September through October 6th. As plans continue to be made, and revised again & again, I will try to update periodically with tip, and info.

I'm Not A Better Parent, and Neither Are You

I see very often parents being mean, and hateful towards each other. Why are they doing this?
It is often many taboo subjects that get brought up on either their personal Facebook page, parenting pages or websites.
Parents suddenly become experts on the subject that is being discussed, and are not able to except that there is any other way to possibly raise a child.

Just a few of the topics I have seem discussed, and the discussions turn mean real quick.
Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding in public
Immunizations
Spanking
Circumcision
Ear Piercing
Potty Training
Nutrition
Where they sleep
And there are millions more arguments happening on millions more topics.

Now I have my opinions, beliefs, and way of raising my kids, Just like all of you have yours as well. Is my way the right way? Nope!
Is your way the right way? Nope!
Do I think my way is the right way? Yes & No.
Do I think your way is the right way? Yes & No.

My way is the right way to raise my kids, because they are my kids, and they have their own set of issues, disabilities, quirks, and behaviors. Our choices on all the taboo subjects, and countless others are ones we feel are right, and needed for our family. Would I demand or expect anyone else to parent the way I do, or make the choices I made? Nope, Never!
I would also expect the same from other moms as well. Your family, your beliefs, opinions, and values are yours, they work for your family. Your children's issues, disabilities, and quirks are theirs & theirs alone. I don't know what is best for them, only you as their parent can know that.

Can I offer a suggestion on things? Sure, because it might be a topic I have experience with, but I can't expect or become angry if you don't do it my way. Can you offer suggestions? Absolutely! I frequently ask other parents for suggestions, just to get a little perspective. The most amazing thing is you can get many opinions, and you do not have to do it exactly like they do.

I'm just amazed at all the parents that get so self righteous, mean, and down right hateful towards other parents, simply because they don't share the same ideas, or beliefs on parenting.
Why can't we all just respect each other, and agree to disagree. I can still be your friend, and not agree with you. I can still respect your opinion, even if it is not the same as mine.
As long as you're not hurting your child, and they are happy, healthy, and thriving it is none of my business if you breastfeed, spank, or any other taboo topic.

So how about we all just support, encourage &be nice to each other. Kids don't come with manuals, and when they have some sort of issues, disability, or quirks its even harder, and isolating to raise them.
I promise to give encouragement, and advice if I can, I promise to respect your right to raise your kids in a way you feel is best, and I promise to not judge your choices. I also ask the same of you in return.
After all I'm not a better parent then you, but I am the best parent for my kids. And you are not a better parent then me, but you are the best parent for your kids!

Seeing Things Differently

I have been neglecting this blog for a log time, and I hate that. I am really going to try to be better at it. I have many things I have been wanting to write about, and I just haven't had time.
I am finally writing this one because I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and it seems every time I turn around there is something to remind me of what I use to believe, and how my beliefs have changed.

Since Tessa has been born I have seen thousands of posts on Facebook talking about how we need to help the world see our kids as just that kids. We are always trying to educate everyone about the truth about Down syndrome, dispel the myths that have been around for decades. We want them to be seen, and treated as equals, as we would any other child. We want full inclusion, and acceptance too. We want others to treat them with kindness, understanding and respect, because the are worthy of it, and they deserve it. After all people with Down syndrome, or any other disability are just that people.

And here is where I have been thinking, and frankly seeing things differently. If we want, need, and demand all these things for our kids or family members, how can we justify not extending the same to everyone? I have seen people fight and become downright nasty to each other because we don't all see things the same or agree 100% on something. I know I've been guilty of this myself.
How can we, parents of children with Down syndrome or any type of disability, or difference not just accept people for who they are?  Why can't we accept some have a different view or belief then we do, and it doesn't make then wrong, or bad? Why can't we listen to the other persons belief or reason, and be thankful to have the opportunity to see things differently? By doing this it doesn't mean we have to change our view or belief, but we can graciously agree to disagree. And here is the shocking part, we can still like that person, and we can still be kind.

How can we be parents fighting for acceptance, and inclusion, but not extend that same right to others who are not fighting for it too?
What would you do if tomorrow you woke up, and your perfect life was turned upside down by the one thing you refuse to accept, include, or respect? What if you were forced to face the one thing you disagree with or refuse to accept as acceptable? Would you change your view, or would you hold tight to your belief even if it meant hurting someone you loved?

I am by all means not perfect, but having Tessa has changed my view on many things. I have softened on things I swore I never would. I can respect not everyone sees things the same way I do, and they have their reason for their belief. I don't have to agree with them to still accept them or like them. Certain things just aren't as important to me anymore. I can be friends with someone I don't exactly agree with all the time. I can be friends with someone I vowed to never speak to again, or swore I hated, because I have come to realize I might have judged them wrong. And I truly believe people do mean well, and sometimes a cautious second chance is needed.

So please, take a moment to see a different point of view, it doesn't mean you have to believe differently, just have an open mind.  Please don't judge someone on their disability or sexual orientation, try accepting them, including them, and treating them with respect. They are people and they deserve all of that. Remember while you're fighting for those things for your child or family member, so are their parents and family.

I'm Not Ready

When Travis was born the thought of him growing up graduating high school, going to college, and starting his own life away from me was a lifetime away. Here I sit  halfway through his senior year, and I find myself panicking. some days I describe the feeling like almost a loss of someone. I know in my heart this is what he has been busting his butt for, that I have been trying to prepare him for. its my job to teach him all he needs to know to survive in the real world, and yet I can't imagine him  not being here everyday.
Yes, I want him to be independent, and successful. I want him to be very happy, to love his life, and maybe someday find a wife, and have his own family. I have always said my job is to raise them, teach them, and make sure they are ready for the real world. My hope is they know that no matter how old they are, or how far away they are, we are, and always will be here for them.

And yet in spite of all of this, it hurts to let him go. I tear up thinking about his graduation ceremony, which happens to occur on his 18th birthday. I tear up thinking about taking him to college and leaving him there and driving the 3 1/2 hr drive home. I struggle with how I am going to do it, and just how much I should let him know it is all ripping my heart out. I don't want him to feel bad or sad about any of it.

I have been trying to figure out what my role becomes, how do I do this. I need to find the words to let him know I want him to go, be his own person, create memories, and start his adult life. I don't expect to be told of every decision, idea or change, but hope I am still one of the people he wants to share the highlights & low points of his life with. I have to find the line I have to balance on, the one where I am giving him his space, yet not making him feel he is not a part of this family.

And I worry! I worry if we go on vacation, or do something fun, exciting, or make changes will he feel left out? Will he know, and understand that while we are caring on with life, we so much want and wish he was there too. I worry if he will be scared, will he be lonely, will it be too much pressure, will he feel like he has to be the best, and if he isn't will he think I will be disappointed?

I never went to college, I moved out the day after I turned 18. I worked & struggled, I made mistakes. I was also made aware of all the things I did wrong, how I needed to grow up, to be more responsible. I worried I would never find happiness, that I would forever be trying to find the life I wanted, the life I thought I deserved.

When I was in high school I lived with my dad, and stepmom. I didn't know where my mom was living or how to get ahold of her, I had to wait for her to call or send a letter. When I was having typical teenage problems, I didn't have my mom. When I went to prom 2 times, I didn't have my mom there offering advice or helping me get ready. But, the biggest time in my teenage years was graduating from high school, it was a big accomplishment and even though I wasn't a good student, I was still graduating. I wanted my mom there, I wanted her to see me graduating, I wanted her to be proud, but she wasn't there.
don't get me wrong, my stepmom filled in for all those milestones for me, she was happy for me, and loved me. But I needed, wanted, and missed my mom. I wished she wanted to be there, for me.

I really believe because of this I find myself unsure of what I am suppose to do for Travis. I want to be supportive, but not overbearing. I want him to know I am so proud of him, and that I love him so incredibly much. I will be there for every milestone in his life, big or small, if he wants me too.

But the biggest thing is, I am not ready to let him go, and if I am truthful, I don't think I ever will be. I had Travis as my buddy, he was an only child for 6 yrs.
I know I will get through this, and I know he is ready. I know he will be just fine, and will do great. I know he will make a new life, and he will be happy. I know all of this in my head and in my heart. But if I am going to be totally honest, I also knew my heart hurts too. I am sure many moms have felt this way to some extent, and some never had these fears, thought, or inability to let go. But, this is me, this is real, and it is going to be for a while. So, for now I carry on everyday wishing I could stop time, and wishing I could see into the future too, If I could see his future I would never worry if he was going to be ok, and I could prepare him for any bumps along his road of life.

I will never be ready, and yet I know it doesn't make a difference, life will go on. I will cope, I will be OK and so will Travis. And, until my last breath on this earth, he will always be my 1st born, my baby boy, 1 of my 3 amazing reasons for living!

So Busy

Here we are again and I haven't blog in forever. I really need to get back to it because it gives me a place to put my thoughts, feeling & opinions. Sometimes it boring, sad, happy, angry, or plain old confusing.
So much has happened and honestly I could probably write many posts addressing each thing individually, but I'll once again do a brief recap. I will be addressing some issues, milestones, and feelings more in separate post too.

Life is moving fast, and I struggle with wanting to hurry up to the fun parts, and wanting it to slow down or stop so I can enjoy & cherish it a bit more.

Over the summer the kids & I went to Indiana to tour a college Travis was considering. It was fun, challenging, and sad. It was when I first realized my 1st born is going to college, and I'm going to miss him more then ever. Travis & I went on a quick trip to North Dakota to tour a college there. It was fun having some alone time with him, it doesn't happen much any more. Finally in November Travis & I flew to Florida for 2 college tours, and a very quick trip to Disney World. It was a fast, busy trip, but we had such a good time. I am eternally grateful to have the time we spent together. We talked, laughed, and I may have secretly teared up a few times.
Travis continues to do amazing in school, and I have no doubt he is going to go very far in this world.

Kaden graduated from elementary school, and started his 1st year of middle school. I was so worried about how 6th grade would go, but it has gone very smooth. He has made many new friends, and loves school. He is doing fairly well, but socializing is more fun then doing school work. He is counting down the days till Travis goes to college, so he can have his room. I see him maturing so fast, and I get sad.

Tessa is growing so fast too. She is so busy getting into trouble & being a stinker. She went to summer school for 6 weeks, and loved it. She went to Indiana, toured a college, and visited her first museum this summer. I was very happy she likes to take road trips, and see new places. This something I did with the boys a lot, but hadn't yet with her. She started preschool in the fall, and is loving it. She knows her alphabet ( upper & lower case), she can count to 10, and lnows her colors. She's been on 2 field trips, and is learning to interact with her peers.
She was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism /Graves disease this spring. She takes meds to control it, and we have seen some great improvements in her sleeping. For now she is monitored every 3 months to makes sure her medicine dose is working, and she isn't experiencing and effects on her liver or blood counts from it.
Tessa will be 4 at the end of the month. Time has gone way too fast!!

Dennis has been working a ton, as usual. He did get to take some time off when Travis & I went to North Dakota, and again when we went to Florida. He did a great job holding down the fort, and taking care of Kaden & Tessa. It was so hard leaving them. Kaden understands, but Tessa doesn't know why mommy left, or when I'm coming back. We did talk via FaceTime, but not sure how much that helped. Dennis loved the break from work, and getting to be Mr Mom. He says if I ever find a job that pays enough to pay all the bills, he would love to be a stay at home dad.

So there is life in a nutshell. Blogging will be more often, and I should be able to add pictures too. Dennis bought me a small notebook/ tablet to use since getting on my computer is harder these days with Tessa & her daily shenanigans.

Long, Long Time, No Blog!

So it has been a very long time since I last blogged. A lot has happened, and I'll do my best to do a quick update. I won't include pictures cause I'm on my phone, but I'll post some soon.
Ok, here we go:
The whole family is doing great. Disney World was amazing, and the college tour was very impressive. We had a great time, and the time went very fast.

Travis is doing so well this year. He lettered in Academics, and we were so surprised, and proud. He continues to work a few days a week. He did Robotics again, and he enjoyed it very much. His time didn't do as well as last year, but they had fun! He is thinking about college & gearing up for summer. It's very hard to believe he is going to be a senior next year.

Kaden is still being Kaden. He is growing like a weed, loving school. He got to tour middle school, and is excited to be a big 6th grader next year. He loves to play his games on the computer & his new Xbox. He is doing good in school, but doesn't take it as seriously as Travis does, but his grades are still good.

Tessa is doing incredibly good. She is talking so much, and amazing us everyday with her new skills. She turned 3 at the end of  January. We were able to get her into A Taste Of Preschool, a class of kids who were not 3 by September 1st. She goes 1 day a week, for 2 hours. She was able to start in November, and while the first month was hard, she now enjoys it so much. I can already see her changing from being around her peers. It's a class of 15 kids, with 5 staff. She continues to get her services at school, just now it's the same district the boys are in. She continues to be equally as cute as she is naughty. She is very much like a typical 3yr old, tantrums, and all.

We did have one big event happen in March, and I will address it in more detail in it's own blog post, because it is very emotionally complex. My mother, whom I haven't spoken to in almost 2 yrs, other then some nasty messages on Facebook unexpectedly passed away. We do not know what cause her death yet. I will say what I have said since that day, while we weren't talking, by my choice, she was my mother. I never hated her, I did love her, she was my mom. I struggle with how I really feel, and it is very complex. Like I said I will address this in it's own post later.

So there is the condensed version of life. I will be trying to blog more from now on. Life has many funny, sad, and I can't believe this is my like moments, and I love sharing them with you.

It's Been A while

I know it has been forever and I am hopeful to get back to blogging more seriously soon.

Things are great with the kids. Travis has been working at his new job and loving the money. He jokes his boss is a real jerk. His boss is his father. He will be starting his Junior year of high school and while he isn't ready for summer to be over he has some great classes and is excited to get back. I on the other hand am not ready to have a child that old.

Kaden is starting 5th grade and he is just as excited to see his friends as ever. He is still just my sweet, super busy boy, but he too is growing up way to fast.

Tessa continues to amaze us daily and is growing like a weed. She babbles constantly and has even started talking more. She has about 50 words she can say, but of course only says them when she feels like it. She is just like Kaden and is constantly moving and never sleeps.

My last post indicated there were issues in my life and there were and to some extent still are. We are working everyday to fix them and I have to admit things are better then ever. While I wish the whole thing never happened it did have a good side. It has forced us to talk about issues we kept bottled up and face them. We have worked them out and our love & marriage is stronger then ever. It by no means is perfect or completely fixed, but I have hope with a bit more time the issue will just be a distant memory, and forever out of our lives.

I won't go into it here but I am sure I may post my thoughts on a certain type of person and the frustrations with not being able to speak my mind. I have lots to say and where better to say them then on my blog. Lets just say there is someone out there who might not like that. ( No, not my husband)

We are just 42 days away from Disney and the kids are excited. Dennis and I are as well because after these last few months with him working so much and our personal struggles it will be nice to get away and away from stress.

So I will update more soon. I am trying to stay positive and happy, some days are harder then others but I tell myself over and over it will get better.

Sometimes We Need To Be Reminded

I know I haven't posted in forever, but life gets busy & sometimes my time is limited.
Everyone is doing great and I will update soon.

But this post needed to be done.

I think sometimes in the craziness of everyday life we sometimes forget to stop, take a deep breath, and see what we have. Parents are busy working, taking care of the kids, and all the other tasks of life, that we sometimes don't take time for ourselves or our spouses.
As time goes on we tend to take each other for granted & forget to let each other know we appreciate them, love them, want & need them.

Everybody has bumps in the road. Some are tiny, we barely notice them and we keep going. Some are huge, and force us to stop, and figure out the best way to proceed. I think the best way to handle these depends on a few things.

Do you want to learn from it, work on getting rid of it, and continue on your path stronger, happier, closer, and with a stronger love for each other & life?

Or do you want to give up, not try, and be alone as you continue on your journey in life. No doubt if this is the path you choose the bumps will just keep getting bigger.

I choose the 1st option!!

While we sometimes have to deal with difficult people & situations all the time, I think it is much easier with your spouse by your side, holding your hand, whispering... I'm here, I love you, I'm not going anywhere, we will get through this. And the most amazing thing is we do get through it, and in the end your appreciation for each other, your life you have built together, your strength, your commitment to each other are so much stronger.

But the greatest part is you really see how much you both love each other. You see the other person in a different way.

I've said many times that I feel very blessed, but I never realize just how blessed.
I have 3 of the most amazing kids ever. I married my best friend, and know that the bond & love we have is stronger now then it ever has been. I have hope & faith that the  days, months, & years to come are only going to be even better, and filled with more love then I ever imagined, and the tears will be only happy ones!!

So to all the bumps in the road we have encountered or have yet to encounter.... Nice try, you are & will make us more committed to get through it all together, stronger, and with much love!

My Child Isn't Smarter Or Better Then Yours!!

I know there may be some that don't agree with my thinking or views, and that is fine. But I also know by not bringing this subject up I am not being honest with others about my thoughts and opinions. I also know that unless I and others don't say something we are not helping those that are on this journey and may be struggling or wondering what they are doing wrong.

So, for any parents out there that have a child with DS and who are doing the best they can or know how for their child let me say this:

You Are Doing An Amazing Job!!!

I have been thinking about this for a while and after going to a friend and fellow parent of a child with DS's house, I realized I should write this post.

When I first had Tessa I searched the web for any and all info I could get on this new life I was starting.I found many blogs and facebook pages, and I followed them. The problem is I was soon left feeling like I was not doing everything, the right thing, or anything to help Tessa. I would see where they were going to many therapy appointments everyday and had all these expensive toys, books, DVDs, iPads, etc. There are even some spending a small fortune on a special Preschool for 2 yr olds.
I had the people from the Birth -3 program coming out. Tessa had a Teacher, PT, OT, and now Speech. I panicked, I was seeing all these babies Tessa's age or close doing way more things then she was. I at that moment thought the reason she wasn't as good at doing these things or not doing them at all was because of me & the fact we didn't have a small fortune at our disposal to pay for this stuff.
I did try adding private PT into our routine, it lasted 3 visits, Tessa was terrified of the people and place.

I finally had my Ah-Ha moment.

All of these blogs, pages, and whatever else were not helping. In fact they were hurting.

Now here is where I am not going to be popular with some.

Why is it that we have to work our kids hours upon hours everyday, just to show the world they are good enough???
I know that we need to show society that our kids are just like every other kid, that they can & will learn like other kids, just a bit slower. Why do we have to push our children daily to make sure they are walking, talking, drinking from a sippy cup/straw, that they use their silverware, that they can talk/sign, that they are able to read sight words??? WHY??
It seems to me there is this push and competition in the DS community lately to have our kid be better then your kid, but don't fear theywill tell you how they got their kid to be the perfect example of how a child with DS should be acting, developing, looking.

Tessa did walk early, she says a few words, she signs, she drinks from a sippy cup, and sometimes a straw. But she doesn't do them "perfectly". She also has good muscle tone in her lower half.
Does any of this make her better or smarter then any others?? NO!!

We didn't spend hours daily in therapy, I didn't spend hours daily working with her, I didn't spend a fortune on things to make her "learn".
Instead we found what motivated her and worked with that. I used Lucky Charms to get her to do the pincher grasp. We used loud, bright, light up toys to motivate her to try to reach for them. And Yes, I used my boys to motivate her as well.
Because I am busy with the boys and life, Tessa spent a lot of time on the floor with toys around her, just far enough away that while she could see them she could not reach them. Why? To motivate her to reach them.

What I am trying to say is, I think in the push to get our children to be recognized as the amazing, loving, beautiful kids that they are we have somehow created a disservice to ourselves.

Our kids are just that, KIDS. Kids that deserve to have fun, play, be who and what they are going to be. We shouldn't be slave drivers to them, just to show the world they are smart, and deserve to be included, because in doing so we are singeling them out and causing more isolation among them and us.
Yes, I agree they need extra help, but do we really need to be teaching our 9 month olds, or our 18 month olds things we would never teach let alone expect a typical child that age to be doing??

Down syndrome children are like other kids. They all are different, they all learn and develop at different ages, they all have their own potential. I think it is time we stop trying so hard to prove our kid is the best or that unless you spend 40 hours a week in therapy and another 20 developing a learning program at home you are a lazy parent and your child is suffering and not living up to their full potential.

My ways and methods work fine for us, I am always happy to offer advise, suggestions, and support, and love getting it all in return. But I don't want it if it involves being a slave driver to my 2 yr old, or I need to take a second mortgage out to pay for it.

Let your kid be a kid, be creative with your "purposeful play". And always remember you are the parent, and only you know what is best for your child.
Don't ever let these other parents make you feel bad, or like you aren't doing enough.
I really believe they are going to wake up one day and see that all the precious moments have passed them by while they were busy trying to show the world their child is the smartest.

Merry Christmas!! Ok I Know I am Late

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas, or a Happy whatever you celebrate.

Ours was very nice, however much different than any we have ever had. I wasn't organized, I wasn't in the spirit, or the mood. The tree was not put up until the week before, the cookies and treats were not made till the week before.
If you know me this is not heard of, even the year I was pregnant with Tessa I still went all out. I am not really sure what my issue was, but I just wasn't feeling it, and felt incredibly guilty for it.

However I found my spirit and we had a wonderful Christmas.
The week before my Step-Mom came over and made cookies with the kids (boys). They lost interest after a bit but they still made some. Hopefully as Tessa grows Julie will get a new more enthusiastic cookie helper. None the less it was nice to have her visit and Tessa loves when Grandma Julie comes.

On the 23rd my Dad, Julie, My sister Shannon, her husband Chris, and my brother Shawn all came over to exchange gifts. Once again the kids were spoiled and loved their gifts very much. Tessa had been sleeping so she wasn't a super happy camper at first, but soon warmed up to every one and was soon her usual, funny self. She wasn't too sure about opening gifts since she had been told to not touch them, and now we wanted her to rip the paper off. No fear she got the hang of it real quick.

Christmas Eve was a quiet day with the kids & I. Dennis worked so I took the kids over to his Uncles house to drop off some bars and fudge for their gathering. We would have went but we had already made plans. Dennis stopped by on his way home to say hi, but we had already left.
We had my cousin Steve over for dinner and gifts. He too had to work, but we had a nice dinner of Prime Rib, and we all ate too much. Once again the kids were very spoiled by Steve & loved their gifts. I think he was a bit surprised by our gift and it made me happy to know he liked it and could use it.

Christmas morning was just Dennis and I, Steve had to work and so couldn't be here. The kids were very excited to see their gifts from Santa and us. Travis was convinced he was getting a new smart phone, and when he didn't see it from Santa and it didn't appear to be anywhere he was a bit bummed but never fear it was hidden. Tessa got a nice hard sided suitcase with wheels and Disney Princesses on it, and Kaden got his Lego Pirates of the Caribbean ship.

All in all it was a great Christmas, and we really enjoyed spending time with those we love. We really missed everyone in Texas, and of course Grandma Roggie in Arizona, but we talked to them often. we missed being with Dennis's family, but sometimes we have to compromise and next year we will plan on seeing them. (we see most of them very often- weekly)

Hope you had a great holiday, and were able to make some cherished memories with those you love & are important to you.

I was going to add photos but it won't let me, I will work on it and get some up soon.

Fridays Tragic Event, Aspergers, My Thoughts

The very sad events that happened last Friday at Sandy Hook Elementary have been always on my mind. I try to hear all the latest news info I can. I think it is because I am trying to wrap my mind around WHY someone would kill those sweet innocent children.
But the past day or so the news has been reporting that the gunman had Aspergers, and even some are reporting that individuals with it have a predisposition to violence or violent outburst.

These reports are not true, mostly.
Yes, some people with Aspergers do have outburst, some I guess could be violent, but to say ALL people are like this is untrue. To say merely having it is a predisposition is untrue.

Travis has Aspergers, and he has Sever Anxiety. We have been working with him for a long time to manage them both. He has had lots of extra help at school and we work everyday at home on it, and yes he does take something to curb his anxiety. He also has been taught and still works daily on ways to control and over come his anxiety.
Do I fear Travis would / could snap?? I think any human being has that ability, but I don't fear it.  I also know that he can't wrap his head around how something like this could have happened to those innocent children, how someone could kill them.

This morning Kaden wore a green shirt, and I made him a green & white ribbon to honor the 26 people who died. He too doesn't understand this, yet he feel so sad for the children.
I talked to him, like I always do and tell him that is why they do Lock down drills at school, and that he must always pay attention to what they are saying. I also tell him that every single one of the staff members at school will protect him. I told him if they ever have a real lock down to remember to stay calm no matter how scared he is, to listen to the directions, and stay very quiet.
The strange thing is both boys have had a real lock down at their schools. They were what they call external lock downs. All doors are locked, and no one goes in or out of the buildings until the police say it is clear.
Travis's was in middle school, someone said they saw a guy walking on the sidewalk with a shotgun. Never found the guy. Kaden's was because some guy was at a church a little ways away with a gun, never heard the whole story, but no one was hurt.

This morning as I dropped Kaden off I walked him to the door, gave him a kiss, told him I loved him & to have a great day. He walked in, turned around and blew me kiss like he does everyday. I always pretend to catch it put it to my lips and blow one back, which he pretends to catch and put to his lips. I then turned and walked back to the van, then I cried. I cried because there are 20 parents who will never kiss their children again. I also cried because it brought back a flood of emotions from when Travis was in elementary school, and having to drop him off and not know IF the child who had bullied him from 1st to 5th grade would follow through on his threat to get a gun and kill Travis.

Yep, This child told Travis that he was going to get a gun and kill him. This child hated Travis, yet when all of the bullying started Travis had no clue who this kid was.
Want to know what the school did about it??? NOTHING!!!
Yep, you read that right. Nothing!
The policy is if they are in elementary school they feel they can still reach them and help them. They had to notify the Sheriffs office and the county social services, but the school did nothing. The following day the child was in school and the school could not telling me if the child brought a weapon to school. They never checked his back pack and were not going to.

There was a point during 5th grade that Travis had had enough, he told me he was going to start being mean to this kid, because we always taught him to treat others like he would want to be treated, so he figured that is what this kid wanted.
I warned the school that they needed to stop this kid because Travis had had enough & at that point I didn't know what he would do. Again my words were ignored, and when one day Travis felt a different child had laughed at him, he punched him! And when the boy went to tell the teacher Travis punched him again in front of the teacher.
When I got the call that he had done this, I calmly told the Principal, "I told you this was going to happen, are you surprise? cause I am not."
Needless to say I did punish him for doing it. He lost computer for 1 month. I had to make sure Travis knew this was not to ever happen again. And guess what it hasn't.
As for the other child? I made sure he was in none of Travis's classes for 6th grade. However in 7th he started to say crap to Travis again and I made sure the school was aware this was going to stop now, and about the past bullying and threat. ( they were unaware of it). Needless to say the child was no longer in school a week after my phone call and I believe he is at a different high school.

It is hard to feel 100% comfortable all the time. My heart breaks for those parents. While I was lucky we only had to endure a threat, I still can't shake the fear of what if.

Funny little story, cause we need to lighten it up a bit.

Kaden's school got new janitors this year. They have one during the day and one in the afternoon evening. Now I know they have to pass background checks, and I know you shouldn't judge someone by their looks, but!
The daytime janitor has tattoos covering his entire arm on both sides he is very muscular and looks like he could hold his own in a fight just fine. He doesn't look like your average school janitor, he looks like a stero-typical person from a biker gang. He is very nice and very polite & the kids love him, but it always struck me as odd for an elementary school.
Anyway, today when I was dropping Kaden off, the janitor came outside through a side door to throw some trash away. I looked at him and had a great sense of calm, because for the first time, I realized he was the type of man to stand up and protect the kids if need be. I was glad to have a very intimidating looking janitor at Kaden's school.

While it is hard to not feel bad about what happened last Friday, and I feel somewhat guilty being happy and feeling very blessed this Christmas, I think we also need to know it is OK to carry on with our lives, it is OK to be happy and feel blessed. I know I will say a little prayer everynight for the lives lost, but I will also say a little prayer for the life I have and the blessing I have been given.

Some Thoughts While Rocking Tessa

So like usual I have many thoughts while rocking Tessa at nap time and bedtime. I do some of my best thinking during this time.

Today I was looking at her while she was sleeping, and felt tears in my eyes. I was thinking about how blessed I am, not just by her, but by everything.

I think sometimes we, myself included, sometimes don't always take the time to see situations for what they are or could be. I use to be really bad about this. Every time something went wrong or not as I expected I would become upset, sad, frustrated. I would see myself as a victim, or being wronged in some way. I didn't like feeling this way, I always tried to not feel this way, yet I think we all think like this from time to time. I believe it is human nature, yet I also now believe & know it can be changed.

When Travis was little and was so sick, and having surgeries on his eyes I use to always think God was punishing me somehow. I wasn't sure why or what I did, but I always assumed it was my desire to have a baby so bad. I felt like God was telling me, "OK, I will let you have a child, but you will be given a sick child with many issues, your life will not be what you dreamed about, and then maybe you will except my plan for you from now on."
Now, yes, I know this seems off the wall, and really why would he be so mean and vindictive? But I have always felt like I was being punished for not being grateful for what I had.

Fast forward to 2010, I have it pretty easy. I had 2 amazing blessings, I was busy being the best mom I could and I loved my life. Then I find out right before my 41st birthday, I am going to have a baby. Yikes, the thoughts of being punished all came back. Why? Why now?
But then I saw that this wasn't some test this was amazing, I was going to be given another child, and I was grateful. Then the news comes that it is a girl, YES I was finally getting the one thing I had always dreamed about and I felt lucky. The good news & happy feelings were soon met with heartbreak and sadness. It looks like there might be something not right with my little girl.

Yep, there it was again, the feeling I was being punished yet again for wanting something so much. I cried for weeks wondering  Why me again? I finally had to put it out of my mind and accept the fact I was not in control over this. I was blessed with a baby at this point in my life & whatever she does or doesn't have is not an issue, it can't be. She is mine and I love her too much to worry.

It was at this point I realized that I am lucky, I am blessed and I need to see things for what they really are.

I look at Tessa everyday and I am overwhelmed with love. She is so pure, and innocent. She loves everyone and enjoys every moment with every ounce of her being. She finds happiness and laughter in the smallest things. Life is hers for the taking and she is living every moment to the fullest.
She has taught Dennis, the boys and me to really stop and enjoy the little things, see the things that have been right in front of us all along, yet we were to busy or unwilling to see. We find the beauty in everything.

Don't get me wrong, life is tough, and sometimes it sucks. Sometimes I don't know if I can handle what is given to me, or what I have to do.
But, I have realized that everything has a purpose. Sometimes we are dealt a crappy hand, sometimes we have to endure more heartache and pain then we ever thought imaginable. I believe these are the things and moments that shape us, change us, open our eyes to what our purpose is, makes us who we are, and who we should be.
But the only way this can happen is if we are able to take a little time to grieve, be sad, angry, helpless, and then pull ourselves up and look past it all. We have to look passed the crap, and see the light, the possibilities, the purpose. We need to see the good in the situation, the blessings we still have, and the blessings yet to come. Sometimes out of the greatest moments of sadness comes the greatest opportunities.

Tessa having Ds made me very sad, I still get sad when I think about her future. I believe she will have an amazing life, but I also know there will be some heartache. She will have to deal with those that don't understand, or are just plain old cruel. But I also believe she is so amazing, and precious that she can also teach others to accept her and others with disabilities. I also feel it is my job to help her do this. I was blessed with Tessa, but I also must share her with others, so that they too can see how lucky the world is to have her and all children / adults with Ds in it.

I see my life as a huge gift, I have been blessed to have married my best friend, I have Travis & Kaden, who teach me everyday about life & love. I feel extra blessed to have the most incredible daughter. She completes my life, and our family. I now see Why Me!!!
Everyday, I wake up, and say a little prayer of thanks for the wonderful life I have been given, and for the opportunity to cherish the little things, and the courage to make the tough choices & fight for my loved ones happiness too.

Remember even in the darkest & toughest of times, we will survive and come out on the other side stronger, determined, changed, but also blessed & loved. And when the darkness clears you will see the answer to Why Me!

Goodness Where Has The Time Gone?

I didn't realize it had been so long since I wrote anything. I have been busy and it seems life doesn't have any plans of slowing down either.

We have been having a great school year so far and the kids seem to be settled in their routines, But now we are going to change them!

Kaden has started taking a Chess class after school on Wednesdays, and Robotics starts next week. Also Tessa has been going to "school" on Friday mornings for the past 5 weeks and next week is her last class.
She is doing so well in the class. It is 1 to 2 yr olds and I stay with her, it is only an hour long so it is just right. She was scared at first but now really like to go and is a pro at circle time. I laugh because she is one of the youngest ones in the class, and the only child with Ds, yet she is the only one to sit on the floor and clap along with the songs at circle time. Yes, that's my girl.  : )

We are 335 days from our Disney Trip, and time actually seems to be going fast. I think it helps that we are so busy right now too.

Things have been good around the house, we dumped our Direct TV and home phone/Internet and went with cable/Internet package, and Smart phones. Yep, Dennis and I have now finally got one. He has an Android, I have an iPhone, and soon Travis will have a smart phone too. I think we are going to hold off a bit on Kaden getting a phone, and when he does it won't be a smart phone.

Well, not much else exciting right now, but I will leave you with some cute pictures.

Tessa was Tinkerbell for Halloween.

Tessa was helping Travis play his game!!

Kaden found this huge tree stump while on the Down syndrome Buddy Walk.

Well I Guess You Told Me!

So this blog is about my life, and of course my kids. Sometime I write about the kids & normal everyday life, but sometimes things happen and I feel I need to share.
Sometimes those involved in these situations aren't too happy to have the issue written about, but it is my blog, and frankly I get to choose what gets written. If you don't like it you are welcome to comment ( not without using your name) OR you are free to not read it.

I am very passionate about many things. One of those things is people making fun of others that have a disability. I don't care if you do it to theie face or behind their back, but I don't like when people purposely make fun of someone. Now I know sometimes I should just not say anything, but I think it is the mom in me that gets very angry and can't help but say something. I feel like someone should stand up for these people, and I hate when people sit back and say nothing because they don't think it is their place or they don't want to start something.
I would hope and pray that when Tessa is older that someone does say something if she is being picked on or made fun of. I guess maybe that is why I feel the need to say something.

Now I have bitten my tongue when this person has posted or said stupid stuff in the past because frankly she is very immature. I won't say she is young because she is 28 (I believe), and one would think by that age a person has grown up and learned how to act like an adult human being, but not this person. Her life is all about partying, going on vacation, and bitching about her job. She is far more intelligent then anyone, she is always right, and no matter what the subject she is an expert and you know nothing. I got to experience this 1 st hand the other day.

I saw where she had posted about a flight her and her boyfriend where on, she comment that the man sitting next to her boyfriend had Torretts (yep, she spelled it that way, it is suppose to be Tourettes) and he had ordered a coffee.
OK, I became saddened and angered by this cause why is this even something to put out there? What is the purpose other then to illicit laughs or cruel comments from people?
Well sure enough, the first comment was someone laughing and saying they wished they could have been there to see that.
OMG!! Seriously?? Where the hell is the compassion in these people?
I commented that I felt sorry for him and that is was sad and childish to even post that let alone laugh, and I hope someday Tessa never encounters someone like them.

Well, clearly this person didn't like me saying that. She got all pissy and writes that I am being dramatic and twisting her words. That she NEVER made fun of this man, she simply made a statement. REALLY??? Hmm, I would think a statement would be  "The man sitting next to ___ just ordered a coffee." Which when you think about it is sorta of a dumb statement to make, but the bigger thing is, it wouldn't get the reaction she was wanting and got from her friend.
But, her rant to me gets better. She then proceeds to tell me that she has worked with disabled adults and children long before I was ever a mom to a special needs child.
Hmmm... Really?
 Ok lets do the math.
I am 43, I have a son who is 15 with Aspergers, beside having Tessa . So I have been dealing with this for at least 13 yrs.
She is 28, has been doing her current job since she was 24, she has had a few jobs between 18 and 24. So even if she did that job for the years of 18 to 24 she still wasn't doing it Before I had a special needs child.

But then she made the dumbest comment yet, and the one that angered me the most, the one that made me decide to write this post, and the one that also shows just what a complete immature dumb ass she is, and also shows that she is reaching for something to say to me that makes her feel like she has put me in my place. Sadly I fear this comment has only done the opposite. She has made some other people mad, and frankly she only is making things worse for herself.
Here is her comment:
"I have more compassion for people with disabilities then you could ever develop over your lifetime."

My first reaction was Excuse me??
Then I went off on her, and reminded her that she did in fact write the comment to get a laugh out of people, she is full of shit. She does not know me and for that matter know anything about her boyfriends family.

Sadly this girl is too immature to see she is the complete dumb ass she really is, and most likely thinks she has put me in my place, you know because she clearly is an expert on people with disabilities since she has been working with then for a brief time years ago, and clearly she believes it was long before I had a kid with one. Also she is much more compassionate then I could ever be or develop during my life time, even though I am the mother to 2 children with special needs.

WOW!! I guess maybe I am the dumb ass!!

Sadly people like this will never change, never grow up, and never in a million years ever see the stupidity of their words.
The only thing is she did get her laughs she was trying to get, but the only problem is they are laughs about her idiotic comments. Poor dear has total strangers laughing, and shocked at her thinking.