Fridays Tragic Event, Aspergers, My Thoughts

The very sad events that happened last Friday at Sandy Hook Elementary have been always on my mind. I try to hear all the latest news info I can. I think it is because I am trying to wrap my mind around WHY someone would kill those sweet innocent children.
But the past day or so the news has been reporting that the gunman had Aspergers, and even some are reporting that individuals with it have a predisposition to violence or violent outburst.

These reports are not true, mostly.
Yes, some people with Aspergers do have outburst, some I guess could be violent, but to say ALL people are like this is untrue. To say merely having it is a predisposition is untrue.

Travis has Aspergers, and he has Sever Anxiety. We have been working with him for a long time to manage them both. He has had lots of extra help at school and we work everyday at home on it, and yes he does take something to curb his anxiety. He also has been taught and still works daily on ways to control and over come his anxiety.
Do I fear Travis would / could snap?? I think any human being has that ability, but I don't fear it.  I also know that he can't wrap his head around how something like this could have happened to those innocent children, how someone could kill them.

This morning Kaden wore a green shirt, and I made him a green & white ribbon to honor the 26 people who died. He too doesn't understand this, yet he feel so sad for the children.
I talked to him, like I always do and tell him that is why they do Lock down drills at school, and that he must always pay attention to what they are saying. I also tell him that every single one of the staff members at school will protect him. I told him if they ever have a real lock down to remember to stay calm no matter how scared he is, to listen to the directions, and stay very quiet.
The strange thing is both boys have had a real lock down at their schools. They were what they call external lock downs. All doors are locked, and no one goes in or out of the buildings until the police say it is clear.
Travis's was in middle school, someone said they saw a guy walking on the sidewalk with a shotgun. Never found the guy. Kaden's was because some guy was at a church a little ways away with a gun, never heard the whole story, but no one was hurt.

This morning as I dropped Kaden off I walked him to the door, gave him a kiss, told him I loved him & to have a great day. He walked in, turned around and blew me kiss like he does everyday. I always pretend to catch it put it to my lips and blow one back, which he pretends to catch and put to his lips. I then turned and walked back to the van, then I cried. I cried because there are 20 parents who will never kiss their children again. I also cried because it brought back a flood of emotions from when Travis was in elementary school, and having to drop him off and not know IF the child who had bullied him from 1st to 5th grade would follow through on his threat to get a gun and kill Travis.

Yep, This child told Travis that he was going to get a gun and kill him. This child hated Travis, yet when all of the bullying started Travis had no clue who this kid was.
Want to know what the school did about it??? NOTHING!!!
Yep, you read that right. Nothing!
The policy is if they are in elementary school they feel they can still reach them and help them. They had to notify the Sheriffs office and the county social services, but the school did nothing. The following day the child was in school and the school could not telling me if the child brought a weapon to school. They never checked his back pack and were not going to.

There was a point during 5th grade that Travis had had enough, he told me he was going to start being mean to this kid, because we always taught him to treat others like he would want to be treated, so he figured that is what this kid wanted.
I warned the school that they needed to stop this kid because Travis had had enough & at that point I didn't know what he would do. Again my words were ignored, and when one day Travis felt a different child had laughed at him, he punched him! And when the boy went to tell the teacher Travis punched him again in front of the teacher.
When I got the call that he had done this, I calmly told the Principal, "I told you this was going to happen, are you surprise? cause I am not."
Needless to say I did punish him for doing it. He lost computer for 1 month. I had to make sure Travis knew this was not to ever happen again. And guess what it hasn't.
As for the other child? I made sure he was in none of Travis's classes for 6th grade. However in 7th he started to say crap to Travis again and I made sure the school was aware this was going to stop now, and about the past bullying and threat. ( they were unaware of it). Needless to say the child was no longer in school a week after my phone call and I believe he is at a different high school.

It is hard to feel 100% comfortable all the time. My heart breaks for those parents. While I was lucky we only had to endure a threat, I still can't shake the fear of what if.

Funny little story, cause we need to lighten it up a bit.

Kaden's school got new janitors this year. They have one during the day and one in the afternoon evening. Now I know they have to pass background checks, and I know you shouldn't judge someone by their looks, but!
The daytime janitor has tattoos covering his entire arm on both sides he is very muscular and looks like he could hold his own in a fight just fine. He doesn't look like your average school janitor, he looks like a stero-typical person from a biker gang. He is very nice and very polite & the kids love him, but it always struck me as odd for an elementary school.
Anyway, today when I was dropping Kaden off, the janitor came outside through a side door to throw some trash away. I looked at him and had a great sense of calm, because for the first time, I realized he was the type of man to stand up and protect the kids if need be. I was glad to have a very intimidating looking janitor at Kaden's school.

While it is hard to not feel bad about what happened last Friday, and I feel somewhat guilty being happy and feeling very blessed this Christmas, I think we also need to know it is OK to carry on with our lives, it is OK to be happy and feel blessed. I know I will say a little prayer everynight for the lives lost, but I will also say a little prayer for the life I have and the blessing I have been given.

Some Thoughts While Rocking Tessa

So like usual I have many thoughts while rocking Tessa at nap time and bedtime. I do some of my best thinking during this time.

Today I was looking at her while she was sleeping, and felt tears in my eyes. I was thinking about how blessed I am, not just by her, but by everything.

I think sometimes we, myself included, sometimes don't always take the time to see situations for what they are or could be. I use to be really bad about this. Every time something went wrong or not as I expected I would become upset, sad, frustrated. I would see myself as a victim, or being wronged in some way. I didn't like feeling this way, I always tried to not feel this way, yet I think we all think like this from time to time. I believe it is human nature, yet I also now believe & know it can be changed.

When Travis was little and was so sick, and having surgeries on his eyes I use to always think God was punishing me somehow. I wasn't sure why or what I did, but I always assumed it was my desire to have a baby so bad. I felt like God was telling me, "OK, I will let you have a child, but you will be given a sick child with many issues, your life will not be what you dreamed about, and then maybe you will except my plan for you from now on."
Now, yes, I know this seems off the wall, and really why would he be so mean and vindictive? But I have always felt like I was being punished for not being grateful for what I had.

Fast forward to 2010, I have it pretty easy. I had 2 amazing blessings, I was busy being the best mom I could and I loved my life. Then I find out right before my 41st birthday, I am going to have a baby. Yikes, the thoughts of being punished all came back. Why? Why now?
But then I saw that this wasn't some test this was amazing, I was going to be given another child, and I was grateful. Then the news comes that it is a girl, YES I was finally getting the one thing I had always dreamed about and I felt lucky. The good news & happy feelings were soon met with heartbreak and sadness. It looks like there might be something not right with my little girl.

Yep, there it was again, the feeling I was being punished yet again for wanting something so much. I cried for weeks wondering  Why me again? I finally had to put it out of my mind and accept the fact I was not in control over this. I was blessed with a baby at this point in my life & whatever she does or doesn't have is not an issue, it can't be. She is mine and I love her too much to worry.

It was at this point I realized that I am lucky, I am blessed and I need to see things for what they really are.

I look at Tessa everyday and I am overwhelmed with love. She is so pure, and innocent. She loves everyone and enjoys every moment with every ounce of her being. She finds happiness and laughter in the smallest things. Life is hers for the taking and she is living every moment to the fullest.
She has taught Dennis, the boys and me to really stop and enjoy the little things, see the things that have been right in front of us all along, yet we were to busy or unwilling to see. We find the beauty in everything.

Don't get me wrong, life is tough, and sometimes it sucks. Sometimes I don't know if I can handle what is given to me, or what I have to do.
But, I have realized that everything has a purpose. Sometimes we are dealt a crappy hand, sometimes we have to endure more heartache and pain then we ever thought imaginable. I believe these are the things and moments that shape us, change us, open our eyes to what our purpose is, makes us who we are, and who we should be.
But the only way this can happen is if we are able to take a little time to grieve, be sad, angry, helpless, and then pull ourselves up and look past it all. We have to look passed the crap, and see the light, the possibilities, the purpose. We need to see the good in the situation, the blessings we still have, and the blessings yet to come. Sometimes out of the greatest moments of sadness comes the greatest opportunities.

Tessa having Ds made me very sad, I still get sad when I think about her future. I believe she will have an amazing life, but I also know there will be some heartache. She will have to deal with those that don't understand, or are just plain old cruel. But I also believe she is so amazing, and precious that she can also teach others to accept her and others with disabilities. I also feel it is my job to help her do this. I was blessed with Tessa, but I also must share her with others, so that they too can see how lucky the world is to have her and all children / adults with Ds in it.

I see my life as a huge gift, I have been blessed to have married my best friend, I have Travis & Kaden, who teach me everyday about life & love. I feel extra blessed to have the most incredible daughter. She completes my life, and our family. I now see Why Me!!!
Everyday, I wake up, and say a little prayer of thanks for the wonderful life I have been given, and for the opportunity to cherish the little things, and the courage to make the tough choices & fight for my loved ones happiness too.

Remember even in the darkest & toughest of times, we will survive and come out on the other side stronger, determined, changed, but also blessed & loved. And when the darkness clears you will see the answer to Why Me!

Goodness Where Has The Time Gone?

I didn't realize it had been so long since I wrote anything. I have been busy and it seems life doesn't have any plans of slowing down either.

We have been having a great school year so far and the kids seem to be settled in their routines, But now we are going to change them!

Kaden has started taking a Chess class after school on Wednesdays, and Robotics starts next week. Also Tessa has been going to "school" on Friday mornings for the past 5 weeks and next week is her last class.
She is doing so well in the class. It is 1 to 2 yr olds and I stay with her, it is only an hour long so it is just right. She was scared at first but now really like to go and is a pro at circle time. I laugh because she is one of the youngest ones in the class, and the only child with Ds, yet she is the only one to sit on the floor and clap along with the songs at circle time. Yes, that's my girl.  : )

We are 335 days from our Disney Trip, and time actually seems to be going fast. I think it helps that we are so busy right now too.

Things have been good around the house, we dumped our Direct TV and home phone/Internet and went with cable/Internet package, and Smart phones. Yep, Dennis and I have now finally got one. He has an Android, I have an iPhone, and soon Travis will have a smart phone too. I think we are going to hold off a bit on Kaden getting a phone, and when he does it won't be a smart phone.

Well, not much else exciting right now, but I will leave you with some cute pictures.

Tessa was Tinkerbell for Halloween.

Tessa was helping Travis play his game!!

Kaden found this huge tree stump while on the Down syndrome Buddy Walk.

Well I Guess You Told Me!

So this blog is about my life, and of course my kids. Sometime I write about the kids & normal everyday life, but sometimes things happen and I feel I need to share.
Sometimes those involved in these situations aren't too happy to have the issue written about, but it is my blog, and frankly I get to choose what gets written. If you don't like it you are welcome to comment ( not without using your name) OR you are free to not read it.

I am very passionate about many things. One of those things is people making fun of others that have a disability. I don't care if you do it to theie face or behind their back, but I don't like when people purposely make fun of someone. Now I know sometimes I should just not say anything, but I think it is the mom in me that gets very angry and can't help but say something. I feel like someone should stand up for these people, and I hate when people sit back and say nothing because they don't think it is their place or they don't want to start something.
I would hope and pray that when Tessa is older that someone does say something if she is being picked on or made fun of. I guess maybe that is why I feel the need to say something.

Now I have bitten my tongue when this person has posted or said stupid stuff in the past because frankly she is very immature. I won't say she is young because she is 28 (I believe), and one would think by that age a person has grown up and learned how to act like an adult human being, but not this person. Her life is all about partying, going on vacation, and bitching about her job. She is far more intelligent then anyone, she is always right, and no matter what the subject she is an expert and you know nothing. I got to experience this 1 st hand the other day.

I saw where she had posted about a flight her and her boyfriend where on, she comment that the man sitting next to her boyfriend had Torretts (yep, she spelled it that way, it is suppose to be Tourettes) and he had ordered a coffee.
OK, I became saddened and angered by this cause why is this even something to put out there? What is the purpose other then to illicit laughs or cruel comments from people?
Well sure enough, the first comment was someone laughing and saying they wished they could have been there to see that.
OMG!! Seriously?? Where the hell is the compassion in these people?
I commented that I felt sorry for him and that is was sad and childish to even post that let alone laugh, and I hope someday Tessa never encounters someone like them.

Well, clearly this person didn't like me saying that. She got all pissy and writes that I am being dramatic and twisting her words. That she NEVER made fun of this man, she simply made a statement. REALLY??? Hmm, I would think a statement would be  "The man sitting next to ___ just ordered a coffee." Which when you think about it is sorta of a dumb statement to make, but the bigger thing is, it wouldn't get the reaction she was wanting and got from her friend.
But, her rant to me gets better. She then proceeds to tell me that she has worked with disabled adults and children long before I was ever a mom to a special needs child.
Hmmm... Really?
 Ok lets do the math.
I am 43, I have a son who is 15 with Aspergers, beside having Tessa . So I have been dealing with this for at least 13 yrs.
She is 28, has been doing her current job since she was 24, she has had a few jobs between 18 and 24. So even if she did that job for the years of 18 to 24 she still wasn't doing it Before I had a special needs child.

But then she made the dumbest comment yet, and the one that angered me the most, the one that made me decide to write this post, and the one that also shows just what a complete immature dumb ass she is, and also shows that she is reaching for something to say to me that makes her feel like she has put me in my place. Sadly I fear this comment has only done the opposite. She has made some other people mad, and frankly she only is making things worse for herself.
Here is her comment:
"I have more compassion for people with disabilities then you could ever develop over your lifetime."

My first reaction was Excuse me??
Then I went off on her, and reminded her that she did in fact write the comment to get a laugh out of people, she is full of shit. She does not know me and for that matter know anything about her boyfriends family.

Sadly this girl is too immature to see she is the complete dumb ass she really is, and most likely thinks she has put me in my place, you know because she clearly is an expert on people with disabilities since she has been working with then for a brief time years ago, and clearly she believes it was long before I had a kid with one. Also she is much more compassionate then I could ever be or develop during my life time, even though I am the mother to 2 children with special needs.

WOW!! I guess maybe I am the dumb ass!!

Sadly people like this will never change, never grow up, and never in a million years ever see the stupidity of their words.
The only thing is she did get her laughs she was trying to get, but the only problem is they are laughs about her idiotic comments. Poor dear has total strangers laughing, and shocked at her thinking.

The First 3 Weeks of School

So the kids started back to school and the 1st day went very well. I only teared up a bit, and the kids of course did not.
Things have been going very well for the most part.
Kaden has a totally new curriculum for math this year and it is a nightmare for him and I. Being in 4th grade they have a few teachers and his Language Arts teacher is fresh out of school. He graduated college in 2010, student taught last year, and this is his 1st year ever teaching by himself. So far he seems Ok, however I feel very old cause I am old enough to be his mom.

Travis seems to be enjoying his year so far. AP American History is proving to be a hard class but he is doing good in it so far, and honestly I don't have any concerns that he won't be able to do it, and pass the AP test. His Intro to Environmental Sciences class isn't as horrible as he thought it might be, and while he doesn't love it, he doesn't hate it either. I would say that is a win in the world of teen agers.

Tessa is handling her "boys" being gone, but is sure happy to go get them. Actually she is finally on a schedule of some sort, which is good, except on weekends. The only downfall to the school year is she is very clingy & attached to me, and makes for some long days and nights sometimes. I am trying to remember that someday I will long for these days, and I should cherish them.

I am trying to find a good rut to get into and some sort of schedule too but, it seems Tessa wants to be played with constantly, and when she goes down for a nap it is my time to shower & try to have a few moments of quiet, me time before we have to start the routine of picking the boys up, homework, dinner, a little bit of TV and then bed. Throw in baths, and we have no time for me to just relax and breath. I am in bed as soon as Tessa goes cause my day starts way to early, and with a little girl who still doesn't sleep all night I have to grab sleep when I can.

We are looking forward to the fall, start of Robotics again, Halloween, and then Thanksgiving, and of course Christmas. I am hoping that the school year goes quickly, and painlessly, but we shall see.

Back To School Night

Every year the schools have a Back To School Night. It is a night to find your locker, meet your teachers and for Kaden to bring in his supplies.
Every year I try really hard to be on the ball and have all the supplies bought, labeled, and in one spot. I try to have all the forms filled out and in a neat order.
This year I was so proud of myself, I carefully marked the things off Kaden's list, some we already had, some we needed to buy. I was so positive we had it all, and for once I wasn't forgetting anything. Yay Me !!

We get to Kaden's school, find his classroom, say hi to his teacher (we know her, he had her in 2nd grade) and proceed to put his supplies where they belong. Then it happened..... I didn't bring the package of  loose leaf notebook paper, the ruler, the anti bacterial wipes, I was .50 short on the activity money, and forgot his notebook for art.  Crap !!!  I am not as organized as I thought.  Oh well at least I had most, and the staff knows us so well they laugh and say not to worry it is hard having 3 kids and he can just bring it Tuesday.

Next year I WILL be prepared better. I say this every year since Travis started school.


Next Travis & I went to his school to meet his teachers and find his locker. No supplies are need at the high school level they like to just tell the kids the first day what they need, so then while your trying to adjust to being back at school and new routines, you also get to run out to the store to buy supplies that are now out of stock. Good Times!!
We find all his classes, say hi to the teachers, get a bit of an overview of what they are planning to teach this year.. find the info out needed for his AP  American History class, when the final test is next spring and the cost so he can get the college credit for it.
His was much easier to prepare for, except... His Chemistry teacher was no where to be found, and the nurse wasn't around to give the forms to.

OK a tiny rant here.. Travis is in 10th grade, they allow the kids to self carry their inhalers, BUT  I have to fill out a form saying  he can administer it himself, the Dr has to fill out a form saying her can self administer & needs it, and then the nurse has to make sure Travis knows how & when to use it, and that he knows not to share it with others.
Seriously, this is insane, Yes, he knows how to use it, Yes, he needs it, and yes, I say he can do it himself. He is 15 yrs old, don't think he needs the nurse helping him use his inhaler.
OK, rant over !!

Anyway, back to school night went pretty well, and their is always next year to look forward too. I just know one of these years I"ll be that mom that has it all together, and has everything before the 1st day of school.

Up next.. The 1st day of school is Tuesday, I will let you know how it goes. I can tell you that it will include some tears, and they won't be from the kids.
In the mean time we are going to enjoy the last few days of freedom  summer.

Some Numbers

Since my computer was down a few things happened. I updated you all with a bit of what we had been up to but I didn't include everything.

While my computer was down,
Tessa turned 18 months!! She is doing great & meeting her milestones in true Tessa fashion..mostly on time.
She is 19 lbs 4 ozs and is 30 1/2 inches tall. Her head is 16 inches. And while she is small in all areas on a "typical" growth chart she is in the 75-90% on the DS charts. Yay Tessa!!

Last week not only did I turn 43, and blogged about it, but I also had a wedding anniversary too. Dennis and I have been married 16 yrs. Now if you factor in he was my best friend for 14 yrs before getting married, it is like 30 yrs. I am not going to lie and say they have all always been happy & perfect, but we can be proud of the fact our kids have never seen us fight. This could be because while we disagree sometimes, we just don't fight.

Also as of today we are at 416 days till we back out of the driveway and start our family vacation. I am so excited, these trips are always so special because it is amazing, quality time just for us. We spend the time laughing, making precious memories, and just forgetting all the troubles & responsibilities of the real world. I can not wait to write all about our fun times, and adventures.

Travis is now 5 ft 6 in tall and still isn't done growing. He will be starting the 10th grade and is somewhat excited about school. I am always trying to keep my memories of him as my tiny baby boy alive. I sometimes look at him in amazement of how fast time has gone, yet so proud of the funny, loving, compassionate, and smart young man he has become.

Kaden is doing so well and will start 4th grade this year. While he says he doesn't want to go to school he is excited to see his friends, make new ones and he will have his favorite teacher again this year. He had her for 2nd grade, but she had a baby and when she returned they had her teaching 4 & 5 grade so he didn't get her again for 3 rd grade. Finally, he will be in her class again!!

So there you have some numbers about us and what we have been up to. Life is constantly moving and changing, and I am a;ways excited to see where it takes us.
Remember to take a few moments to stop and think about where you are, where you have been, and where you want to be. Savor every moment good or bad, because it is these moments that shape our lives, and help tell our stories. Celebrate & enjoy all the little things... you will be glad you did.

My Thoughts & Opinions...About Family

So I have been thinking about this post for a long time, and was never quiet sure how to present it. It seems to me no matter how I write it or what I write, I am sure to anger some family members in a different state, whom I don't happen to communicate with, or have any interaction with other then them sending me nasty emails or anonymous comments here on the blog.
Now you might be wondering why they do this, and why my relationship is non-existent with them, and I will briefly tell you.
I don't share their same views or beliefs on many subjects. I don't sit back and allow them to tell me what to do, think, act or say. We many be family, but that doesn't mean I have to like you, or follow what you say, just because. I have been called mean, nasty, hateful, a bitch, and told I can leave the family and start my own. I have been accused of hiding behind my words and not taking responsibility for my words. I find this so funny, because I don't know how much more responsibility I can take then to have it all out here for the word to see on a public blog, I use my name, I link to it on my face book page. But, if going after me and calling me names makes a few feel better about themselves and their life, then I am glad to help. I don't get offended or bothered by their comments, I find them funny & feel sorry for them.

Now, on to what I was going to post about.

Family:

I think it is so amazing how when we are children we sometimes don't realize what an amazing family we have. When I was younger, and believed all my mothers lies and desperately wanted her to care about me, I would do anything to make her happy. I refused to see or believe what an amazing woman my step-mom was. She married my dad and instantly became a mom to 2 kids. I would be hurt and upset by my father paying more attention to her & ultimately their kids then my brother & I. I will admit there were things I thought were unfair and wrong, but as an adult I don't fault them. Just like my mother was a crappy mom, my  dad had his faults too. The only difference is even when my dad was drinking himself to an almost early death, he still ate dinner with us as a family every night & I always knew where he was and that he was always there when I needed him.

But the true persons I want to talk about are family via marriage: My step-mom , my sister-in law and my in laws.
These people have all shown me what a family is really like. They have all been there when I needed them and they have all shown me what love in a family means. They never expect anything from you in return. They are there because they want to & they care. They are grateful and gracious for all  you do, and want to be involved, and make an effort to be. They are not demanding of your time, or attention and know when to stay out of your business. I have been blessed to have such amazing people around me during some of the big milestones in my life, and during some rather tough times too.
I have learned how to be a self reliant person, a wife and a mother from these people. I have learned about unconditional love, and I have learned that I am not a bad person for standing up for myself, my husband, my children, and those family members who mean the most to me.

I have family who are true blood relatives that are also very important and special to me as well. They all know who they are and that our bonds will forever be strong. I couldn't be who I am & where I am if not for all of them as well.

Now, I would be lying if I said sometimes the loss of a big close family doesn't make me sad. I also would be lying if I said I could or would throw all my beliefs, feelings, and morals out the door just to be accepted in to the "family".
I can not nor will not change just to fit into something I don't agree with. It may sound mean and cold, but just because we are family, extended or close, doesn't allow you to treat me bad or guarantee me to put up with your crap. I can and have cut toxic people out of my life. I only put up with so much crap & only for so long before I have to save myself from the insanity.

Some wise words I heard when Travis was younger:
"Sorry is Good but Change is Better"

I don't say sorry very often, I won't say it as a way to excuse something I have done that others don't like. I also don't accept or forgive just because you say it. Too often people say it to get out of bad behavior, not because they actually mean it, but because social protocol say to. Many think if you say sorry, you are off the hook, and it excuses you, and allows you to continue with your crappy ways. I don't just forgive and forget because you say sorry.
I don't allow my children to say sorry unless they truly mean it and not just saying it because that is what they think they should say. I also tell them if someone treats you bad, or says something bad to you, having them say sorry to you if they didn't mean it isn't right. They must feel it is heartfelt and sincere.

So there, that is my post and feelings about family. I do have many other things to say about my childhood, life with certain family members, but in thinking it through I have to think it isn't worth it. Those that have hurt me, lied about me, and are no longer apart of my life really don't deserve the attention, and they have never taken responsibility and continue to only remember things and events according to their "selective" memories.

I am at a place in my life where I am happy, actually happier then I have been in a long time. I still have my moments and days where things seem overwhelming, and I do wonder why me, but they are less then the good ones.
I don't have many regrets right now, and the ones I do have are ones where I wished I had spoke my mind or stood up for myself or others sooner.

It Is All About Me This Time

Yep, I am going to be writing all about me this time.  Wait...Don't leave just yet, it won't be that bad.

So yesterday I turned 43. I have to say it didn't bother me one bit. I had a quiet day with the kids, went to a meeting at the city to learn about how the state is going to be screwing up our road with their construction project, Dennis brought me a pretty pink rose & a bottle of apple pie flavored liquor of some sort. ( one of the customers brothers makes it). For dinner we ordered pizza.
Yes we are a really exciting bunch. But to me our birthdays are not that big of a deal, the kids have the big birthdays, not the adults.

So like usual I was rocking Tessa last night and I started thinking about what all I have been through, seen, done, and wished I had done up to this point in my life. I also thought about what things I hope to do, and accomplish in the future.

So far in my life I have been through much heartache, sadness, low selfesteem, and trauma.
But, I have also been through some of my greatest joys, found my inner strength & voice, and have become happier then I thought I would ever be.

I have many people and things in life to thank for making me who I am today. Sometimes there have been people and things that have been in my life that don't deserve any thanks because their actions, or lack of actions, and words were things that crushed me, my spirit, and self esteem. I admit I spent many years thinking I wasn't good enough or worth anything. I purposely avoided uncomfortable situations, many public settings because I felt like everyone around me was judging me.
I always had my brother to defend me in any situation I was being judge or treated unfairly, until about 5 yrs ago he moved to Texas.

I decided that right then and there I needed to grow a backbone and start learning to stop being a door mat, and start standing up for myself, my feelings, my kids and my life.
Sure this sounds all great, but it has been met with some resistance by some. I have heard so many times from a few people what a "bitch" I have become, how they don't know what happened to me because "I use to be so sweet, kind, loving" That I am such a "hateful person & I am so hurtful".

The thing is yes, I am a totally different person today then I was 5 yrs ago, but I am continually building my backbone & using my voice. The thing people don't realize is I am not really a "different" person, I am the same person  they have always known, EXCEPT, I am no longer screaming & crying inside from the hurt and sadness their actions and words were causing. I now voice my thoughts, feelings, ideas. I know I matter, if not to them, I do to me, my kids, and husband.
I am no longer the door mat they would walk all over, criticize, make fun of, use. I am no longer allowing my fear of upsetting, disappointing, or angering others to control my words, thoughts, or actions.

It may sound harsh, but I have started to put my wants, needs, and happiness before others. The only people who trump that are my kids and husband. The happiness in my own home is far more important than anyone else. I can't have happy in my home until I learn to be happy, content, and sure of myself.

So here I am today...43 yrs old, happy, content, and blessed beyond my expectations.  I  have 3 of the most amazing kids, and I also have a step-son who has grown to be a very amazing young man. I have no doubt all 4 kids will do great things in life. I have some incredible friends, and I have family members who love, and embrace us for who we are and not for what we can do for them.

I am excited to see what the next 57 yrs bring!!!

What We Have Been Up To!!

It has been a long time since I have done a blog post, and while I am sure my haters think I have been silenced by their comments or complaints to family about me, I have to say...Sorry not the case.

What has caused my absence is a broken computer. I picked up a virus and sadly almost lost my hard drive. We do have other computers I can use, they aren't mine and time on them is very limited. I just decided to focus on other things but always kept ideas for new blog posts fresh in my mind, and hope to get some of them up soon. Today's post and maybe the next few will have to be without pictures due to not having my computer back to 100% just yet, but when it is fixed I will have many to post.

So, here is what is new in a nutshell:

Travis: He bought a new computer with his own money and we helped with a bit for his birthday. He hasn't been up to too much and hasn't had many chances to practice driving but we hope to remedy that soon. He is getting ready for his Sophomore year of high school and while he doesn't want summer to end just yet he really does enjoy Robotics and his engineering classes.

Kaden: He hasn't been up to a whole lot, just being Kaden. Always busy, always using his imagination and creativity to keep life fun and interesting. He will be starting the 4th grade and is anxiously awaiting to see who his teacher will be. We are wishing real hard that it is his teacher from 2nd grade, he really liked her and she went to 4th &5th grade last year. We will have to see what the school does with staffing this year.

Tessa: She has been busy being a typical toddler which is a huge blessing and a huge pain in my butt. While we are so very happy and realize the blessing it is that she is right on par with her peers, we also forgot what it was like to have a VERY active toddler around too. Tessa has started climbing, and she climbs everything, baby gates, the heat register to see outside, the oven door ( which opens it). She is a huge stinker. She has also learned the art of running if she knows you are going to stop her or if she is off to be naughty somewhere. She had an injury in her mouth last week and almost lost her front tooth. She bit the control thing for her bouncy chair and got her tooth stuck and when she ripped it out it loosened the tooth and tore her gums. Quick trip to ER, meds so she doesn't get an infection and we are all better now.

Me: I haven't been up to much just keeping things running and staying sane. Last week my brother and his family came up from Texas for a visit and while it was short, I was happy to have see them. Never got a chance to visit one on one with them, but they were being tore in every direction by people wanting to see them, I was happy to go to them and get what time they could spare. While up here they went to tour a college my niece is planning on attending next year, and my brother was able to get in a bit of fishing, since that really was what the trip was planned for in the 1st place. But I have to admit it was sad to see them go, but I know I always have the option to go see them too.

So there it is, not too exciting, but it is what it is.
Now off to get another blog post out containing some of the things I have been mulling over in my mind while rocking Tessa, and all the loveliness of life, family, and all the goes with it.

Just An FYI

Please people, this is my blog, I choose what to write. It is about my life and my thoughts, sometimes it is basic, sometimes it is funny and sometimes it is bold or harsh.
But again it is my blog, my life, my thoughts, my feelings. I welcome comments, emails, whatever, but I don't allow you to attack me personally and hide behind the name "Anonymous" have some guts and be yourself.

Trust me my life hasn't be pretty, but it is my life and I have accepted I got the short end of the stick for many years, but I learned to stand up for myself and my kids and clearly it isn't liked by some.

Call my whatever you want, but don't hide while doing it.

If you don't like what I have to say, then please just move along and don't read my blog, don't come back if your opinion of me is so bad. Really, I am not hurt or upset in the least. I however don't want to drag those that do like to read my blog into your senseless comments. I will not keep responding and engaging people anymore.

For those of you that have hung around, I thank you greatly. I promise this is the end of the drama. I really can't stand it, and try to avoid it. Sometimes I have no choice, because I won't let others lie and attack me for no reason.

I wish all my haters to find a life and possibly some happiness. I couldn't imagine living a life where you think everything is about you & anyone who disagrees with you is evil and dumb. Please move along, find something that makes you happy. Life is an amazing thing, don't waste it being like that.
If you still have to stalk me and my blog then so be it, I can't stop you.

Now back to happiness!!!

Yay, We Are Booked...Finally!

So yesterday was the big day in Disney planning. I usually start thinking about our next vacation on the drive home from Disney.
Yes, I know this sounds insane, seeing as we go every 3 yrs. But you have to understand it is like a coping skill I do. If I didn't start thinking about the next one I would be very depressed to be leaving. I am still very sad, but knowing we have another to plan for helps. When we were driving home from our last trip in October of 2010, I started thinking about this trip, and was very excited to start planning.

This one is going to be big in terms of firsts & lasts. This will be the first time we will go with all 3 kids, this will be a first trip for Tessa, this will be the first time I get to experience Disney World with a little girl.
But the lasts make me sad too. This will be the last trip for Travis as a kid, it will be the last time I have all 3 of my kids with while they are all kids.

We will still take trips with all 3 in the future, but the next trip Travis will be in college, and possibly unable to go due to classes, and money. Yes, we are mean parents and will require him to help pitch in towards the trip if he chooses to come after the age of 18. (we just aren't made of money, yet)

So I had the dates planned since October of 2010, now I just needed to wait till that ever important day when Disney releases their prices for 2013, and opens the reservation window for 2013.
I quickly did some final calculations earlier this week, trying to guess when the kids will have off school for MEA (3rd Thursday, Friday in Oct). I panicked when I discovered the dates I was assuming were wrong!

OH CRAP!!!

MEA falls on the week of Columbus Day in 2013. Why is this bad, well we will be arriving the day before Columbus Day, thus our first day in the parks is.... Yep, Columbus Day!
The parks will be busier then normal, but I have heard the crowds die down a lot after. *SIGH* Crisis over!

Sent in my info for what resort we were wanting, dates, our info, and what type of package we wanted. I was set.
Yesterday, I get my quote. Hmm.... I change my mind, change resorts, no problem. Got my new quote, find the credit card, and... Booked it!!

We will be gone 16 days total with drive time (can't afford to fly & don't like to), we will have 11 nights & 12 days at Disney World. Now the fun begins. While some think there is plenty of time to plan everything, there isn't. I feel a great amount of stress (good stress) about making sure everything is thought of and taken care of. This is the one time, every 3 yrs we all go on vacation as a family. Dennis works long & hard to provide this for us, and he enjoys the relaxation of no responsibility. He tells me to just tell him where to be and what time. He is a different person, and we cherish this family time more then anything. We don't have the worry or stress of regular life for those short 16 days.
I want to take extra care and time to make sure this trip is as extra special as possible, due to all the firsts & lasts.

I hope to take lots of pictures, plan many special moments, and just really take it all in through Tessa's eyes. I may even try to do a blog post while there as well, but if not I will periodically update and post to face book during our trip. I am sure like usual in the past I will be in constant contact with my brother and his family, as well as texting pictures to them. I am so fortunate to be so close to my brother & his family, then when either of us goes on vacation we text and send picture frequently to each other each day. We tend to live vicariously through each others trips.

Oh, and Dennis through me for a loop last night, normally I just tell him the brief details, and how much I need to pay for a deposit. Last night he wanted to know the final price..Yikes!!!
Let's pray for a discount to be announced next year!!

Today Is All About Kaden!

Today is Kaden's birthday! He is 9, and I am sitting here wondering where the time went. It seems like just yesterday I was checking into the hospital to be induced with what I believed at the time was my last baby.

Look how cute he was, he was also at that time my smallest baby.

No, that isn't Kaden holding a baby, that is Travis holding Kaden!!

He is such a very smart, funny, creative,and active little boy. He is always making me laugh, and, amazing me with his creativity and imagination. He never sits still, and is always thinking.

When asked what he wanted for his birthday, he only said he wanted to skip it this year. He doesn't feel like being the center of attention.
We have come to a compromise, I made 42  cupcakes ( he couldn't decide between yellow cake or chocolate, we did both) with red and blue frosting, we have Lego candles.
We will go to Red Lobster for dinner so he can have crab legs, and we will take him shopping so he can pick out some presents.

I have a hard time believing that he is already 9, and will be a 4th grader in the fall. I remember someone once told me, "if you think time is going fast, just wait till you have kids." And I have to say, they were right.

So today, we are all about Kaden, and making him feel as special as we can. Birthdays are a big thing when you are a kid. I don't ever want my kids to not feel extra special on their big day.

So here are a couple pictures of Kaden now, yep looks just like his brother. And I think he is pretty darn cute too.

Have a great day Kaden. I hope you have only the happiest, and best life has to offer. I am so proud of you, and love you so much! ♥

Planner Or Spontaneous?

When I get up with Tessa in the middle of the night, I try to think about things so I don't fall asleep and sleep in the recliner with her.
I usually do some of my best thinking and problem solving while I am rocking her, or in the shower. I think it is because the house is quiet, and I have no distractions.

So at 3 am I was thinking about life, well my life and if I was a planner or just spontaneous. I came to the conclusion I am both!
I think it just depends on what the situation is as to which one I am.

If we are talking about a vacation or Disney, then yes I am a planner. BIG TIME!
If we are talking about the kids summer break or any school break, and weekends I am spontaneous.

When we have a Disney trip planned ( which lets me honest, is always) I make lists, and take notes, I visit message boards, blogs, any and every site I know to get the latest info, and to help plan so everything can be magical. Lets face it Disney is a big place, and it is expensive, but with the proper planning, research and attitude it can be amazing.
Also when you are traveling as a family that far from home for 16 days, you need to be organized and prepared. I have lists of things to pack, lists of things to buy to pack, and lists of things I need to do before going. Yes, I like lists, a lot! I plan these trips out 3 yrs in advance, in fact I start planning when to go back on our drive home.


Now I can be spontaneous too. When the kids are in school I have to be on top of everything. I have Travis's schedule, Kaden's, Tessa's, and Dennis's. I have to make sure everyone is where they are suppose to be on the right day and on the right time. This isn't always easy because sometimes I am needed in more then one place at any one time. Sometimes Dennis can help, but most times he can't. Between school, Dr's appointments, Tessa's therapy, grocery shopping, and laundry I have my hands full daily.
So it shouldn't be a surprise I don't like to plan anything during the weekends, school breaks, and summer. I prefer to just have a list of things we want to do, and then see how I feel each day.
During the summer I don't like being tied to any strict schedule. We watch the weather,and make a choice as to what to do the next day, but we aren't locked into that plan either.
If we had a bad night, and didn't sleep well, we just don't go. We tend to have many lazy relaxing days because we are going so much during the school year.
The only down fall of this is if someone wants to come with us to the zoo, or elsewhere it is hard to plan, because I feel locked in. We enjoy having people come with on our adventures, but sometimes we decide to go spur of the moment, when we wake up.

So the plan for today is play with every toy & make big messes, OK?

Now I know both of these scenarios are annoying. Being a neurotic over planner is irritating to some, but also being a spur of the moment, go when the spirit moves you type is also frustrating too.
I know this, and do feel bad sometimes, but my obsessive planning for Disney has always worked amazingly well for us, and frankly my kids enjoy being lazy and spontaneous during the summer. And if you know anything about having a child with Aspergers and Anxiety you would understand how getting Travis to be this way during the summer is a major accomplishment. We are so tied to schedules and routine because of this that I welcome this change with wide open arms and big smiles.

So... What type are you?? Planner or Spontaneous??  And why?

Sorry It's Not Worth My Time!

I had a post ready to go the other day, but I have made a choice to not post it. The reason behind this has nothing to do what so ever with things that have been said. I wrote a post a while back about finding the positive in everything, and I am choosing to find the positive.

So to those who like to think they know me, my life, and like to spread & believe lies about me, I wish you happiness and clarity in your life.

I am now going to move on with my amazing life, I hope you too can someday be as lucky.

Some Things I Hate To Admit

When I was little I had this vision of what my kids would be like, I had my life planned out, and it was going to be perfect.
I would have perfect, healthy, smart kids, I would have a perfect drama free life, I was going to have it all. And why did I think this?? Because I deserved it.

But, as we all know life isn't like that, and anyone who says their life is, is lying.

What I got was married, had a stepson, had 3 kids and I am a stay at home mom. Nothing is perfect like I thought, but it is perfect like I was meant to have.

But I would be lying if I said I am or have always been happy and content with what I have been "dealt" in life. While some women cringe & shutter to think of telling the truth about their feelings, I think it is only fair. I am not always proud of these feelings and thoughts, but I have to own them.

When Travis was diagnosed with Aspergers I cried, A LOT!! I knew nothing about it and when I was told it was a form of Autism I freaked. He was my perfect little boy, I was not suppose to have a child with something "wrong" with him. But I researched, and read every little thing I could. I learned how to deal with it and soon figured out that I had been dealing with many of his "quirks" for years and this is no different. I did have a hard time with his severe anxiety, but I too had some anxiety , so I had to deal with and adjust for both of us. I needed to suck it up, deal with the things that made me anxious to show him it was OK.

I am not proud to admit, I was sad, scared, and yes, in the beginning embarrassed to admit my son had Aspergers!

I am happy to say not much with Kaden made me have bad thoughts and feelings. I worried he would never talk, but that was soon fixed and he won't shut up now.

But then there is Tessa.
I was not planning to have another baby, I wasn't happy to find out I was pregnant. I briefly thought about not having her. This was all within the 1st week of finding out I was pregnant.
When I had my 1st ultrasound at 20 weeks and I was told she might have Down syndrome, I cried, A LOT! I had no solid proof other then a slightly thickened Nuchal fold. I would have to wait 3 weeks to see a high risk Dr.
Here is where I have to admit to the thoughts and feelings I am not proud of.
I did not know anything about DS. I only knew the stuff I was told growing up and what I had seen. When I was younger there were kids in school with DS, but they were picked on, made fun of and never had friends. They always seemed to have not nice fashionable clothes on, always had crappy haircuts and it seemed like their parents didn't care if they looked the part of what we back in the '70's called the R-word.

I was terrified that Tessa was going to have DS, and no matter what I tried she would look the part. I was afraid she would not be cute, she would be impossible to raise, and that everywhere I went she would be embarrassing to me.
A week after I had my ultrasound we went to Disney World. I was so very happy to be having a girl, but was so torn when I would look at the little girl stuff there. I had always dreamed of having a little girl to dress up and shower with all things pink and girly, yet I felt like I was possibly being cheated. While we didn't know for sure if she had DS, I knew in my heart she did. I was mad, why would I finally be given a little girl only to be given a "broken" one.
I struggled with buying her cute frilly things, because I feared people would laugh at me and her. I worried that people would think I was in denial of her not being cute.

It makes me so sad to admit these things now, because I can't imagine ever treating her any different then any other little girl. She is beautiful, she is smart, and she could never embarrass me. She deserves to have frilly, pink girly things, and she deserves to have the best of everything.

Tessa is not "broken", she isn't a cruel joke God was playing on me. She is in fact the exact little girl I was always meant to have, I just didn't know it back then.

I have accepted both Travis & Tessa's Syndromes. I would never change anything about them, and if you told me tomorrow you could cure them both, I would say "No Thank You".
Don't get me wrong, I do truly wish they didn't have the challenges they have and will face in their lifetimes, but I also know these things help make them the strong, amazing kids they are.

Tessa and Travis have so much fun together!!

I am better when it comes to Travis now, I don't cry anymore. But I have to admit, I do still cry when it comes to Tessa. Some days I don't know why, others I do. I also know it is completely OK too.
When you have a child with DS, you love your child so much, you are proud of them and wouldn't change them, BUT you also are mourning the life and child you had envisioned. I have been told that some moms have taken 5 yrs to completely stop crying. Will I take that long, or will I take longer???? I don't know, but I do know as time goes by I have to keep being honest with myself and others with my feelings and thoughts. I think keeping them inside, or pretending everything is OK 24/7 is wrong and painful.

So there you have it. Trust me there will be many more post like this one as the kids grow, and I become more comfortable admitting to these things.

Thoughts and Feelings I Wasn't Aware Of

Yesterday we went to the graduation party of my nieces best friend, the one Tessa is named after. My niece is up visiting and it was wonderful to see her as well.
But something has been brewing inside of me for about a week and it finally surfaced and has hit me square in the heart.

For weeks I have been so looking forward to the end of the school year, and to seeing my niece and going to this party. Tessa is an amazing young woman, who is not only very smart, but funny,loving, compassionate, beautiful, and will do many great things in her life. She is the type of daughter any parent would love to have.
But for some reason, when I would think of her graduating, and this party I would tear up. I never could figure out why, but then late one night while rocking Tessa it hit me.... right in the heart!

As I sat rocking Tessa in the quiet, darkness of the night, I realized that the reason I was tearing up, and at this point crying was because I can't say for sure what my sweet, baby girls future will be.
Yes, I know she will go to school, she will read, write, talk, play, and have friends. She will graduate high school, possibly go to college, I hope she goes to school dances, has a boyfriend, knows love, all the things any parent wishes for their child.
But when I thought about my niece and her friend Tessa, and their lives, I can't help but feel sad. They too have done and will do all the things I wish for Tessa, but they will also someday have the joy and happiness of holding their own baby in their arms.
This was always my wish as a little girl, and I think most little girls, however this is something my precious little girl will never feel.

I know to some people this seems silly to worry about, but think about this, imagine this was your child.

Yes, Tessa is physically capable of having children, but she can not, and should not. This is something I struggle with all the time.I know she is only 16 months right now, and this is not something I need to worry about for a while, I still think about it. When I look into her eyes and see the love there, I feel bad that she will never experience that. Someday I will have to explain to her, that while we have raised her to be no different then any other kid, she is in fact different. And like it or not, life is not fair.

I sometimes have to stop myself from thinking these things, and for thinking too far in the future. Like any mother of a "typical" child I do some days think about the future and what it holds for my kids. I have concerns and some anxiety about Travis too, but as he has gotten older, I have seen him overcome so much, and be so strong, that I have a greater sense of calm about his future.

So just like with many things since Tessa has been born, I find myself more aware of my thoughts and feelings about many issues. It is for this exact reason I started this blog. To show that we are like any other family, but also my life isn't always perfect, happy, or pretty, but it is always real. I need a place to write "voice" my feelings and concerns, to be honest about them. Some I am not proud to think or feel, but I can not hide them either.

8 Year Old + Robot = Happiness Overload!

Kaden is like all little brothers, he thinks everything Travis does is so cool, and can't wait to be big enough to do some of them too.
I think it is a bit harder for Kaden, because there is a 6 yr difference in their ages, so it isn't a mere 1 to 2 years he has to wait it is many.

Travis joined First Robotics this year and loved it. It is exactly the kind of activity he needed, and the fact it will open doors and provide amazing opportunities for him now and in the future only makes it better.
Kaden would always ask about the robot, how they were building it, and so many more questions. Travis always would try to explain and show him pictures and videos of it while they were building it.
When the time for the competition came Kaden was so excited to see them all in action, and was on cloud 9 when Travis took him down in the "pits" to see the robot close up.

Kaden has been keeping track of how old he has to be to join First Robotics, and to say he is excited is an understatement. Imagine his excitement when I told him we were going to a end of year team potluck last night & the robot would be there to see up close.

So last night was the night, Kaden had the biggest grin on his face when he saw the robot, and even asked questions about it. He kept his eye on it while we ate, and then they demonstrated it, explained how it worked and then gave out awards to the team. But then he heard the words he thought he would never hear and about went nuts with excitement: If anyone wants to try driving the robot, they could!!!

Needless to say Kaden was in that line and waiting as patiently as an 8 yr old could.
When it was his turn, I snapped this picture:

Could he smile any bigger??

He was so happy. I don't think I have ever seen him smile so big, and look so proud of himself. It is moments like this that melt my heart, not only is he so happy, but  for a brief moment he felt as big and as important as Travis.

8 Yr old + Robot = Happiness Overload!

Am I Doing Enough? Why Can't My Kid Do That?

I have been thinking about this for a while now, and when I announced here and on facebook that Tessa was walking at 15 months, I knew it was time to write it.

"Mom calm down, I will do things in my own time, just enjoy the little things!!"

When Tessa was born I had no clue what to expect. I had been told to not get my hopes up too much, that typically DS children walk between 2-4 yrs, with 2 being early.
I then started finding blogs, and Facebook pages of other parents of children with DS and seeing what their kids were doing, and how much PT,OT, Speech, and other therapies they were doing and all I could think of was " Oh my god, I am a crappy parent, I am not doing enough for her & oh no, my child is so far behind"
I was seeing other kids close to her age that were rolling over, sitting up, all kinds of things. I would see where parents had multiple therapy sessions a day & every day of the week. I would wonder if Tessa would ever do any of it.

Her Pediatrician would tell me to take everything with a grain of salt and remember she will do it all, in her own time. She would reassure me that even when I was pregnant with Tessa they had a feeling she was not as low tone as most due to her constant & strong movement. Even at birth Tessa was incredibly strong, she has always had very strong legs.

But still I worried. But finally she had a growth explosion and new milestones were met almost every couple weeks. She met most of her milestones close to or shortly after the normal time. Now that she is almost 16 months, she is right on track or past on many things. She doesn't talk other then a few words, but I am not to worried.

I worried about posting about her walking on Facebook and on https://www.facebook.com/#!/NoahsDadcom  because I understand how early she is walking & I also worry that others might wonder if they are doing enough to get their little ones walking.
I have seen some parents post what they have done to help their child achieve their milestones and offer advice.

I am going to be honest about how we got Tessa to walk. It is what worked for us, but every child is different, their amount of tone is different, and I think walking at this young age is rare for DS children.

Tessa never crawled like a regular baby, she spider crawled. Because of this it is easier for her to pull up to stuff, also it made it much easier for her to stand up on her own in the middle of the floor.
Tessa has only had PT, OT, and a Teacher come to the house through the Birth to 3 program, we have not done outside therapy. We tried 2 times when she was 9 months, but she screamed and was scared so we stopped. I take what the PT/OT say and do it to some degree, and then I do what feels right & how I did with my other 2 kids. I have never treated Tessa any different then I did them at her age. I did push her to try, but made it fun as well. I found what motivated her and used that. ( paper, and tons of cheering and clapping)

I hope that other parents don't compare and judge their child's progress or lack of based on what Tessa is doing. Believe me I am so guilty of doing that, I did it for the first 9 months of her life. I would get very sad that she wasn't doing something others were doing.

There are many things she isn't doing, and I still some days wonder why she can't master those simple skills.

Tessa can not:
Drink through a straw
Drink from a regular sippy cup, hers is closer to her bottle nipple. ( that dang tongue gets in the way)
She can not use silverware to feed herself, she still uses her hands so has to be fed the messy things. ( applesauce, yogurt)
She only has 2 teeth on the bottom
She only signs a few things and not correctly, we have learned to interpret what she really means

I hope that I can learn to not compare her to others anymore, I am getting better, but their is still a small part of me that gets jealous when I hear of others mastering the skills she just can't.
I hope others don't feel the same way I do, and have felt in the past.

I am slowly learning to let things go, and really see the beauty in the little things, because in Tessa's world the little things really are BIG!
It is so easy for me to get excited and celebrate other DS children's accomplishments, then to see how far Tessa has come in such a short time.
I will admit, I sometimes see their accomplishments as Tessa's failures.

And before anyone gets all worked up, I don't see Tessa as a failure, I feel more like the failure because I wonder if I did more she would do more.
I feel guilt that she has to work so hard and struggles sometimes.

But, I am learning to not be this way. Tessa is amazing, strong, stubborn & so very determined to do everything. I am so proud of her, and I am learning that I am doing enough for her. What is enough for her might not be enough for another child, but that is because they are all their own person, with their own strengths & weaknesses.
I will continue to "brag" about her new milestones & accomplishments, celebrate them for the wonder they are, I hope everyone else celebrates with her too.
I will also continue to celebrate and cheer on all our new DS friends with each and every new milestone & accomplishment they have too. I feel great amount of happiness & amazement at all our little friends are doing.

What Just Happened???

When I started this blog I said my life can be funny, and some days I wonder if I am on a hidden camera show.

Today is one of those days. Actually my day was fine, it is this evening that has me shaking my head and laughing cause I don't want to cry in front of the kids.

I have waited for the day Tessa would be mobile, and since that day I have learned to be careful what you wish for. She is a little wrecking crew, and leaves a path of destruction everywhere she goes. I am constantly stopping her from knocking crap over on top of herself. She has been to the ER once for tipping a TV tray over and it landed on her face. She was just fine.

Tonight Tessa is cranky from not taking a nap. ( her choice not mine). Travis was sitting at the center island eating a bowl of cereal ( just started) and Kaden was upstairs, I was right next to the kitchen on my computer, and Dennis is working late.
All of a sudden I hear Travis say "Tessa, NO!" and then I hear a huge crash! I look over at the Kitchen to see Tessa on the floor, the 3 tiered cart full of school supplies & a Texas shaped basket that was on top of it all on top of Tessa (almost, Travis caught most of it). I run into the kitchen to see Tessa fine, I grab her, call Kaden down to play with her while she is in the Pack-n-Play.
I go back into the kitchen to see little yellow things on the floor, not sure what they are, Travis is picking stuff up, and then I see it.....


Yes, that is the Texas shaped basket, and yes, that is also milk!



See the milk is almost all gone from the bowl, and it is all over the stuff I should have cleaned off of there a long time ago!



More mess, and that is the cart she tipped over!

When Travis was jumping up to save Tessa, he spilled his cereal all over the counter, floor, mail on the counter. I knew I should have gone through all the crap on the center island. All I could do was laugh, because I wanted to cry.
So while cleaning it up Kaden is playing with Tessa, she is completely unharmed and oblivious to what has happened, until........
I hear Tessa start crying and I ask Kaden what happened, he won't answer me and is backing away from the pack-n-play! Uh-Oh.. Kaden tells me he accidentally dropped a toy on Tessa's head.

I think if this is how my mothers day weekend is going to go, I might just want to make a quick run to the liquor store right now.
Life around her is never boring.

Tessa Has A Surprise For You!!!

Tessa has been an amazing fighter since the day she was born. She is so full of spunk and is going to do what she wants when she wants. I always joke that someone forgot to give her the memo that she has DS.

She has always met her milestone close to when she should have, and always did it in pure Tessa style. I always wanted her to be walking by the time we take her to Disney World in October of 2013, she will be 2 1/2 by then. I had told PT/OT this was my goal with her, and I became saddened and a bit discouraged when they said  "most children with DS walk between 2 and 4 yrs. That I shouldn't get my hopes up." I felt crushed because I had never heard that, and the thought of her not walking till then was hard to accept.
We had PT/OT and I did most of the things they said to do, but I also just treated her like I did the boys, and did what I did with the older 2. She sat up when she was ready, she never crawled like babies do, she had her own way of doing it, and she didn't care what others thought. She eventually learned to pull up to things and walk along them. Then one day she stood up in the middle of the floor, I was so surprised!! She would also take 2 to 3 step, and we have been working hard to get her to do more. Sometimes she would do a few more, and I couldn't wait to be able to say she was walking.
Yay Tessa!!!


Little did I know my little girl had more big surprises up her sleeve.....

PT/OT came today, and they officially declared what I have dreamed about and wished for since Tessa was born.

TESSA IS WALKING!!!!!!!

It brings tears to my eyes to even type it. Tessa is only 15 months and 1 week old. She walks across the living room, she stands up, sometimes with toys in her hands and walks. When she is feeling stubborn or is tired she does her version of crawling, but she is walking more and more.This just started to be a constant thing in just the last week or so.




 Watch out world here I come!!!



15 Months & Rude People

Tessa is 15 months!! I don't know what day we are to say she officially is seeing as how April only has 30 days and she was born on the 31st. But it is now the 3rd so we are good!

First some stats on Miss Tessa.

She was born 4 weeks early weighing a whole 4 pounds 7 ounces, and was 18 1/2 inches long. He tiny little head was only 11 inches.

She is now 17 pounds 12 ounces, 29 inches and her head is 16 1/4 inches. She has gotten so big, yet she is so very tiny still. She is the size of a typical 9 month old, in fact her brothers were this size at 9 to 10 months.
She is doing great, but she did lose some weight since her last visit. We are not concerned since she has become very mobile since then.
Tessa is meeting all the milestones of a 15 month old without DS! And she is exceeding a few. They have said she does not have low tone in her legs, and is very strong. She showed the Nurse Practitioner how she stands up in the middle of the floor, then squats down to pick up something, then walks a few steps to the chair or where ever it is she is going.
It really isn't long before she is walking, she does it more and more here at home and goes farther each time.

She is doing great, we have her totally off Zantac, and she is finally able to handle whole milk without formula mixed. We have to start giving her a vitamin, and will be giving her a My First Flintstones, but I have to crush it up since she only has 2 teeth. Poor baby got her 3 shots and was a bit mad that they did that.

Now for the Rude People part:

I had Tessa in her stroller and she had her glasses on when we walked in the clinic. This is a Pediatric clinic, so it is all kids ( and their parents). There was a woman and her daughter checking in, in front of us. They girl looked to be about 10 and was a very sweet girl, her mother however needs to learn to not say exactly what she is thinking out loud.
I walk in the mom turned around looked at Tessa, and Tessa smiled at her, the mom then does a double take, starts laughing very hard and loudly and says to her daughter, "oh my god you have to see this baby, I haven't seen anything so funny in my life." Her daughter doesn't turn around so she again taps her daughter and says, " oh my god you have to look at this baby, I have never seen anything so funny."
By this time I am ready to say what I am thinking and punch the woman, but instead I give her a very dirty look, her daughter looked very embarrassed by her mom.
I then went up to the desk to check us in and said "Tessa is here!" the receptionist said oh my goodness, Tessa you just keep getting cuter and cuter, to which Miss Tessa smiled about.
I have been going to this clinic for aver 14 yrs, and worked there for 3 1/2 yrs, they all know me there, and I think they knew I was a bit pissed off at this woman

I am so surprised at this woman, how would she have liked it if someone said that about her child?  I don't for a minute think she was trying to say Tessa looked cute, I have had parents come up and say they think she is cute. I have had people stare, whisper and turn away when I look at them because I can see them staring, pointing and whispering.
I think perhaps some people look at Tessa and think "oh god, I am so glad that isn't me" or "poor baby". I understand this, because before I had Tessa I would see a child with DS or another disability and think "oh god I am so thankful my kids are fine." To some, and I was one of them at one point, Tessa is their worst nightmare. There are not many or probably any moms that while pregnant say " Oh I really hope my child has DS or is disabled in some way."

I do get it, but I don't get how some people think it is OK to stare or worse laugh at my daughter to her face & mine!!!
I will either have to get thicker skin or perhaps on occasion speak my mind to them as well.

Sick kid, College info, Life....

Just when I think I am having a slow day or a slow week life throws me a curve ball.

I thought this week was going to be a simple, quiet one. Tessa had her teacher come today and Friday we have a Orthopedic eval. That is it nothing more, simple!

Last night Kaden comes down to tell me his shirt is sticking to him, OK it is humid upstairs. Imagine my surprise when he took his shirt off and he is covered on his chest and back with a red bumpy rash. I used a cool wash cloth to cool him down, then out a fan blowing on him. This morning he still has it. I throw him in the shower and still there.
Check with school nurse, he can stay at school. Great.
Tessa's teacher comes, good visit, nap, and run pick the boys up, and hurry to the Dr.
Kaden might have strep, thus the rash, but..he also is getting a ear infection too. Thankfully we got meds, problem solved.

Travis brings home a card with info about college and the school is having a thing for parents tomorrow night. Wonderful, I wasn't planning on going, but think it might be a bad choice not to. Quick call to Dennis to see if he could watch the 2 younger ones, looks like it is possible. Great, check one more thing off my list.

This time of year is like this. I look at my calendar and it has maybe 2 or 3 things on it, then out of the blue I am adding things for almost everyday of the week. It is like this till school gets out, then it is calm and relaxing.
Sadly I don't see this happening this year, Tessa will continue with PT, OT, Teacher, Speech, various Dr appointments, then for added fun Travis will be taking Drivers Ed too.


At this rate when October 2013 finally rolls around we all will need our vacation big time.

They Just Keep Growing

Some days I wish my kids were a bit older or more mature for one reason or another, and others I wish they would slow down. With Travis I am torn, I love seeing him grow and mature, yet feel like I can't always remember every little detail when he was a baby, the moments I never wanted to forget.

Yesterday I went to Travis's annual IEP meeting. I always am a bit worried before these cause I am never sure what they are going to say. The trend lately everywhere is to push these kids off their IEP's cause it saves the schools money in the long run. So far we have been lucky that he seems to hang on to that last little bit of their guidelines to qualify. As most with kids that have Aspergers or really any disability when it comes to schools a diagnosis from a medical professional means nothing when trying to get services in the school. They have to meet educational guidelines, and they are not always easy to meet. Most parents are forced to fight the schools just like we fight insurance companies.

Elementary school and Middle school were always tough for Travis, he was bullied and generally picked on for no reason other then he was "different". I was very upset when I found out that he would not be going to the same High school as most of his friends. Friends he had been in school with since 1st grade. But in the long run it is actually working out to be a great thing. He still sees the friends he isn't with and still has some he knows at his school, but the bigger thing is he has made many new ones. He joined the Robotics Club, has had some amazing teachers who have inspired him .

At yesterdays IEP meeting they had his case worker, his guidance counselors  , and 3 different teachers came in during the meeting. The very good news is Travis still qualifies for services, but he will have the amount of time he spends with his case worker greatly reduced. This is good because he has been missing out on some classes he wanted because he was losing a whole class period everyday.

 His electronics teacher said he wants him to take a certain class next year based on his performance and potential and said that sometimes they cancel classes if there are not enough kids signed up but he is going to make sure this one doesn't and that Travis gets in it. He also said Travis is doing better in his class then all the other kids and in fact has many extra credit points, where his grade is beyond an A+.

Then his History teacher came in she said she is so excited for Travis because she recommended he take AP History next year. While it is much harder she really believes he can do it, and because he loves History so much he will thrive in this class. I am excited because I feel he sometimes he isn't challenged enough & at the end of the year he will have a chance to test out and get college credit as well as high school credit. She said he is a wonderful student and if everyone of her students were like him her job would be so easy.

Next was his Physics teacher. He said he is very impressed with Travis and it has been many years since he has had a student like Travis. When they are doing things in class he said Travis will ask many questions and the other kids get looks on their faces like "Hmmm. I never thought of that." He said that on many occasions Travis will ask questions that he has to stop and think about the answer or he needs to find out cause he doesn't know. He says Travis is very inventive and takes a leadership role in the class.

The only negative anyone said was sometimes he turns his work in late, not often but sometime. We discussed this and found it is an organizational issue and while kids aren't allowed to carry a backpack in school they do have exceptions and those kids are given a backpack pass. This is something we are considering.
I was in complete shock over some of the things the teachers were telling me, because Travis is a very shy, nervous kid. To hear he is taking a leadership role and one commented he seemed very confident, was not the kid I have know for these past almost 15 years.

However the more I have thought about all this, there more it really isn't shocking. Travis has grown and matured A LOT in the past year. He isn't my little boy anymore, and he has become more confident and independent. He knows what he wants to do in his life and he is on the path to make sure he gets it. He is already thinking about college, and knows he most likely will be going to one far from home. This is something he is OK with and doesn't see any issue with it.
Travis has become his own person, with his own mind and thoughts, and I have learned to let him go and continue to grow and mature. He has strong opinions about many things and isn't afraid to voice them. I sometimes have to take a step back and wonder who is this and where did quiet, shy Travis go?
I am so proud of him, and proud of who he is becoming and I am excited to see where he goes. I think people who haven't been seen him or been around him in a while will be surprised as well.

Soon he will be driving, graduating and going off to college, and next thing I know he will be married with kids. I use to worry about my kids growing up and moving away, but I have to say the thought of Travis going off to college doesn't scare me anymore. I find I am so excited to see him go because he is so eager to learn and grow that I feel he is destine to do great things. I was told my someone when he as a baby that they had this feeling that Travis was special, and that he was meant to do great things and make a huge impact and difference in this world. I didn't think much of it, but I have to agree now. Something about him is different, he thinks a lot and challenges even the teachers to think hard and sometimes outside of the box.

Look Out World, Travis is coming and he has a plan and mission!!

Why???

I have many ideas for a new post, and had planned on writing about one of them, until last night.

First a little background. I have not spoken to or seen my mother since August, and then it was a few words and only for a 10 minute time. This is also the last time she saw or talked to my kids. Had we not been at a funeral for my great Aunt this wouldn't have taken place. The back story to all of this is LONG, and I may post about it at a later time. For now I will say it was a decision that was long over due, and I haven't regretted making in one bit. Since this choice I also am not friends with her on Facebook, however I had my privacy settings so she could see pictures of the kids if she figured out how to do it.
I trusted the people I am friends with on Facebook to not save and share pictures of my kids without my permission.
Last night I learned that isn't a good idea. Imagine my surprise when I looked at my mothers facebook page and see she has right there on her page a picture of my daughter, with her email address above it and she also has commented on the picture on her own page.
Now the funny thing is I text 2 people that I think might have saved the pictures and sent them to her, neither respond, however within 5 minutes of these texts the picture comes down. I spoke with one of the people and feel comfortable that she didn't do it. I really hope I am right too.
I am so hurt and angry someone would do this. I would never do something like this to any ones child's picture. I also have to wonder just how many pictures were sent. There is a reason I never send her any, please respect that!!!!

I have changed some settings on facebook, and  I am hoping I don't have to delete the pictures completely. I have made many friends within the Down syndrome community on there and enjoy sharing Tessa's accomplishments and pictures with them.

I am saddened by this whole thing, and find my trust in people has been damaged. I just wish people would be more respectful. I have a ton on my plate this week and this is not something I wanted to be dealing with.

I have thought a lot about this all night, ( Tessa didn't sleep much, I'm running on 1 1/2 hours of sleep) and I need to just continue on and take action when and if I see the need. I just want to live my life the way I have chosen, and wish people would stay out of the choice my husband and I have made regarding my mother and her contact with us & the kids. Trust me, I have very good reasons for this.
I hope who ever is behind this realizes what an ass they really are, and how far they crossed the line on this.

As for me, I intend to keep doing what I do, and will resume my silly life & sharing the good and bad with all of you.