Slacking Again

I have been slacking on this again, but things have been so busy & I honestly haven't had a whole lot of time. There have been many new, exciting & interesting things happening, and I have had many ideas for things to blog about, but again time is short, and honestly some I just really felt best to not blog about.

Travis has finished his 1st semester of college, an while it had a few rough spots, he learned from them, and added them to life experiences. He is liking it, and really growing into the amazing adult I knew he would be. I miss him greatly, and still worry about him, maybe more then when he lived at home. I worry he will feel we are forgetting about him, or is he sad. But, I know he knows we think about him daily & he is not being excluded.

Kaden is having a great year in school, and he has grown so much both physically, mentally & emotionally. He has one of the best teachers, and he is his advisor too. He truly loves his job, and wants to see the kids succeed. He has reached out to Kaden, and shown him he matters, he told Kaden he believes in him. These words from him have given Kaden a boost in self esteem, and motivation to work hard. I see everyday Kaden is finding his passion & becoming more & more sure of himself.

Tessa continues to grow, and amaze us with her funny attitude & desire to learn. Her language is growing daily, and she really is becoming a "big" girl. She is loving her school, especially her Readiness class. (special ed class) She has really become more outgoing at school, made some friends, and is learning so much. We had one IEP meeting & will have a few more this spring to prepare for her transition to Kindergarten. We have finally got her a social worker, and while it took lots of paperwork, phone calls, and waiting it has been, and will be a good thing going forward. I am finding things can be hard, frustrating, and down right confusing  when navigating services, and finding resources for her. I am blessed to have found a great group of parents, and networks to help offer advice or assistance navigating it all. Because of this I agreed to take over as Parent Facilitator for our parent group. I figured if I can be someone to help other parents either by sharing my experiences or helping to find resources I need to do that, since I wouldn't know half of what I do, or have found the services without others too.

I also became an Independent Consultant for Pink Zebra. I love their products, and thought I would give it a shot. It has been slow going, but I have done a vendor event, and have been getting my name out there. I will give it time to take off, and just trying to make a little extra money to help with the bills.

So as you can see life has been busy, but it is all good. I want to start being more consistent with my blogging, and have many other projects, and ideas I want to do (try) in 2016.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, and you have a safe & happy New Year!

 

He Is Not Gone, He's At College!

We took Travis to college on August 22nd, we stayed until the 23rd.  I said my good byes, and cried a bit, cried more when I was driving, and lost it walking into the house.  I found myself  not able to function, and the physical pain was more then I could stand.
I tried to focus on Tessa & Kaden, getting them ready for school & surgery for Tessa, but I would just lose it whenever anyone asked how Travis was doing. I couldn't answer that because I didn't know. He seemed very nervous, and stressed, but he also seemed to be calmer then I expected too. I worried was he trying to be brave for me, was he actually terrified or sad?  I didn't know and the thought of him being upset, sad, scared or anything made me cry & feel like a failure.

From the day he was born I vowed to never let my kids feel like I wasn't there for them, or that I had abandoned them. I never wanted them to worry I wouldn't be there for them, yet at this moment I couldn't physically be there for him.

When Travis was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome & severe anxiety at the age of 8, our world changed. Every aspect of our lives was regimented. we followed a strict schedule, any changes had to be gone over extensively. I spent every moment watching, and anticipating situations that needed to be addressed to make it more comfortable. I did everything I needed to make life more safe, comfortable, calm, peaceful for him. I spent more hours in IEP meetings trying to make sure he got the best environment, staff & resources available to help him become successful. I made sure those around him understood he wasn't being a jerk, a baby, or I wasn't babying him, I was doing what needed to be done for him to even be able to function in this life. He wasn't trying to be rude, condescending, or anything else others thought, he was trying to learn to be more accepted by society, but somedays it was harder.

He had come along way in those 10 yrs before college. and he made some great progress. However he will always have Asperger's & anxiety, and no matter how much we all wish it wasn't so, it is. He will always struggle with many aspects of it ,there will be many things in his adult life that will be hard, very hard, and sad. I will always be here advocating, comforting, and teaching him, I will never give up on helping him. The ultimate goal for him, and for any child is to get them into college, get them out into the world, and see them successful & happy.

So yes, this was what we had worked for, but it was a big deal, and it was terrifying too.
He is 4 hrs away, if he has a bad day, I can't give him a hug and help him processes it. He is an adult, and there is only so much I can legally do to help him, without going to court & taking away his rights. FYI: This will never happen!!

So while this is the goal, and yes I am very happy, it still is hard, and I was still so sad. He worked so hard to get to college, he has known for a long time this is what he wants, and he has done everything possible to get here. He deserves to be in college, he deserves a good life, and he deserves to be happy while doing it.

I am happy to report, he is starting his 4th week of school, and seems to be doing just fine. The kids & I are going to see him in 2 days & I am so excited. I miss him, I miss our talks, I miss seeing his stuff here. But, I am so incredibly proud he is doing good, he's taking care of himself, and advocating for himself too. 

So for those who say how is it now that Travis is gone, I say....He is not gone, he is just at college right now!!

Finally....Our Disney Trips! Yes, I said Trip!

I haven't written about Disney in a long time, and we have since gone on our trip, and Travis and I have taken a mother/son trip too.
So I will post a bit about both trips, and a bit about our upcoming trip in about 14 months.

Our last trip was in October 2013, we again drove because it is most cost effective for us, and we really enjoy road trips. Driving gives us a chance to see many things we might miss if we flew, and lets be honest I always over pack, we shop way too much at Disney, and getting things there & back is not an issue. Now let me just say, I realize driving isn't for everyone, and I respect that, but for us it is all part of the fun.
Normally we leave after the kids get out of school on a Friday, and again that is what we did. We picked Kaden up early since he got out 50 minutes later then Travis. Our plan is always to drive all night, and all day Saturday till we get to the Georgia/ Florida boarder. We then stay the night, and start out for our final 4 hrs. This time we took a different route, and even with stopping to eat, go potty & letting Tessa play we were making good time. We discussed going straight through since Tessa was doing so good, and we would be arriving around 11PM. I called The Swan & The Dolphin resorts at Downtown Disney, but both were full. I then call Disney reservations to see if we could check in early, but they said there was nothing at Pop Century. Disney did have a room available at Coronado Springs Resort, so we took it. We were reassured it didn't matter if we arrived around midnight, sounds great! But we would not make it there by 12, in fact I no sooner hung up with Disney & Tessa went into meltdown mode. Great, we now have a nonrefundable reservation at Disney, and we are wondering if it is a mistake. We made a few stops to calm her and finally arrived at 2 AM.

Now, Disney always does an amazing job at customer service, and even at 2 AM they welcome you with a smile. Dennis, Tessa & I went to check in, and were greeted with smiles. They were amazing with Tessa, and asked if it was her first visit. They then provided her with 1st visit button, a balloon, coloring book, crayons, and autographed pictures of Winnie Pooh & friends, Mickey & Minnie, and the Princesses.
We quickly found our room and went to bed. The next morning we showered, packed up what little we brought in, and checked out the resort before doing a late checkout, and going to Pop Century for our stay.

We drove to Pop Century, and had a very smooth check in. Our rooms, yes 2 rooms were ready, so we went dropped our stuff off, and made a run to Walmart for Mt Dew, Coke, bottled water, diapers & wipes. This is one of the perks of having a car we were able to bring just what we needed for their trip down, and then stocked up there.  We spent the rest of the day relaxing and exploring the resort.

Since this was the 1st visit for Tessa we started our trip with the Magic Kingdom, and breakfast at Cinderella's Royal Table before park opening. This was worth the 2 dinning credits just to see the princesses, and the castle.
This was our first time using Magic Bands, and Disney was still in the testing phase so they were sending invites to guests to be in their test group, and we were lucky enough to be asked.
We really loved them, and because we were in the test group we could get the standard 3 Fast pass+, and then when those were used we could get  regular fast pass.  We really had a great time, and really just stayed in vacation mode the whole time. We really just go with the flow, we don't drive to the parks we take Disney transportation. If a bus is really full when it's our turn to board, we step aside, and let others get on, while we wait for the next bus. We try to just not let stuff bother us and try to make sure we show our appreciation for all the cast members hard work.
This time we made Dinning reservations at some old favorites, and also tried some new spots too.
We ate at: Raglan Road, Yatchtmans Steakhouse, Cinderella's Royal Table, Coral Reef, Teppan Edo, Crystal Palace, Ohana, Chef Mickey's, and  T Rex.  We also purchased the Memory Maker CD for all our pictures, dinning photos, and ride photos.

It really was a great trip, and it was so special, yet bittersweet too. This was the 1st time for Tessa to go, it was the 1st time with all 3 kids, and it was our last trip to be bringing Travis before heading off to college. Little did I know, Travis & I would be back in 1 yr.

Which brings me to November 2014, and Travis & I flying to Florida for a quick, whirlwind trip.
Travis had decided to tour 2 schools in Florida.  Embory Riddle Aeronautical University in Daytona Beach, and Florida Institute Of Technology in Melbourne.  We also decided that if we were going to be down there already we needed a Disney fix even if only for 1 1/2 days. I also wanted to spend a bit of alone time with Travis, and wanted to let him pick one park for us to visit, since had has had to sacrifice so much since Tessa has been born. He choose Epcot, and wanted dinner at Teppan Edo. We bought our plane tickets, and while I had not been on a plane in 10 yrs, I did my best to not panic. We booked a rental car, set up appointments, booked All Star Movies (where we stayed when Travis was 4), and bought our tickets to Epcot.
We flew into Orlando late on a Sunday night, picked up our car, and drove to Melbourne. Monday we had an appointment for a tour at FIT. After our tour, we drove up to Daytona Beach, checked into our hotel, and went down to the beach for dinner. It was amazing to see the ocean, and enjoy the nice weather in November. On Tuesday morning we checked out, toured Embory Riddle, and then went back to the Orlando airport to return the car, and hop on Disney's Magical Express for our hotel.
After checking in we dropped our luggage, went to Downtown Disney, and just took in all the sights & sounds of Disney. We were both so tired from all the traveling in the past 2 1/2 days, but also extremely happy to be back at Disney. On the way back we rode the monorail loop to all the Monorail resorts, and stopped at the Magic Kingdom to take a picture of the Christmas decorations at the entrance. I was a very happy girl, to see a touch of Christmas.
Wednesday Morning we were up early and at Epcot at park opening, wee had Fast passes to use, and Epcot had Extra Magic hours so we had till 11PM to take in as much Disney as we could. We laughed, rode rides, ate stuff from the Food & Wine Festival, sampled yummy drinks, and made amazing memories I will forever cherish. We were able to ride all favorite rides multiple times due to low crowds, fast passes, and utilizing single rider lines. We Met some great, and funny people while standing in line, including Bob from Jersey, and a man we called Rastafarian Dad. Our dinner at Teppan Edo was excellent as usual, and our chef was very funny, as well as all our table mates. We laughed, and really had an awesome time. We stayed till 11 when the park closed, and even though we needed to be at the bus stop for Magical Express at 5 am it was worth being tired.

So now we are planning our next trip, and I have very mixed emotions about it. I am very excited to be going back, and can't wait to see Tessa experience it again, I get sad thinking about Travis not being there. While he knows with college it just isn't possible to go with, I feel a bit worried he might feel left out. This next trip will be earlier then usual, due to the Ryder Cup being played in town, and the schools being closed for a week the end of September. We will be going Last week of September through October 6th. As plans continue to be made, and revised again & again, I will try to update periodically with tip, and info.

I'm Not A Better Parent, and Neither Are You

I see very often parents being mean, and hateful towards each other. Why are they doing this?
It is often many taboo subjects that get brought up on either their personal Facebook page, parenting pages or websites.
Parents suddenly become experts on the subject that is being discussed, and are not able to except that there is any other way to possibly raise a child.

Just a few of the topics I have seem discussed, and the discussions turn mean real quick.
Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding in public
Immunizations
Spanking
Circumcision
Ear Piercing
Potty Training
Nutrition
Where they sleep
And there are millions more arguments happening on millions more topics.

Now I have my opinions, beliefs, and way of raising my kids, Just like all of you have yours as well. Is my way the right way? Nope!
Is your way the right way? Nope!
Do I think my way is the right way? Yes & No.
Do I think your way is the right way? Yes & No.

My way is the right way to raise my kids, because they are my kids, and they have their own set of issues, disabilities, quirks, and behaviors. Our choices on all the taboo subjects, and countless others are ones we feel are right, and needed for our family. Would I demand or expect anyone else to parent the way I do, or make the choices I made? Nope, Never!
I would also expect the same from other moms as well. Your family, your beliefs, opinions, and values are yours, they work for your family. Your children's issues, disabilities, and quirks are theirs & theirs alone. I don't know what is best for them, only you as their parent can know that.

Can I offer a suggestion on things? Sure, because it might be a topic I have experience with, but I can't expect or become angry if you don't do it my way. Can you offer suggestions? Absolutely! I frequently ask other parents for suggestions, just to get a little perspective. The most amazing thing is you can get many opinions, and you do not have to do it exactly like they do.

I'm just amazed at all the parents that get so self righteous, mean, and down right hateful towards other parents, simply because they don't share the same ideas, or beliefs on parenting.
Why can't we all just respect each other, and agree to disagree. I can still be your friend, and not agree with you. I can still respect your opinion, even if it is not the same as mine.
As long as you're not hurting your child, and they are happy, healthy, and thriving it is none of my business if you breastfeed, spank, or any other taboo topic.

So how about we all just support, encourage &be nice to each other. Kids don't come with manuals, and when they have some sort of issues, disability, or quirks its even harder, and isolating to raise them.
I promise to give encouragement, and advice if I can, I promise to respect your right to raise your kids in a way you feel is best, and I promise to not judge your choices. I also ask the same of you in return.
After all I'm not a better parent then you, but I am the best parent for my kids. And you are not a better parent then me, but you are the best parent for your kids!

Seeing Things Differently

I have been neglecting this blog for a log time, and I hate that. I am really going to try to be better at it. I have many things I have been wanting to write about, and I just haven't had time.
I am finally writing this one because I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and it seems every time I turn around there is something to remind me of what I use to believe, and how my beliefs have changed.

Since Tessa has been born I have seen thousands of posts on Facebook talking about how we need to help the world see our kids as just that kids. We are always trying to educate everyone about the truth about Down syndrome, dispel the myths that have been around for decades. We want them to be seen, and treated as equals, as we would any other child. We want full inclusion, and acceptance too. We want others to treat them with kindness, understanding and respect, because the are worthy of it, and they deserve it. After all people with Down syndrome, or any other disability are just that people.

And here is where I have been thinking, and frankly seeing things differently. If we want, need, and demand all these things for our kids or family members, how can we justify not extending the same to everyone? I have seen people fight and become downright nasty to each other because we don't all see things the same or agree 100% on something. I know I've been guilty of this myself.
How can we, parents of children with Down syndrome or any type of disability, or difference not just accept people for who they are?  Why can't we accept some have a different view or belief then we do, and it doesn't make then wrong, or bad? Why can't we listen to the other persons belief or reason, and be thankful to have the opportunity to see things differently? By doing this it doesn't mean we have to change our view or belief, but we can graciously agree to disagree. And here is the shocking part, we can still like that person, and we can still be kind.

How can we be parents fighting for acceptance, and inclusion, but not extend that same right to others who are not fighting for it too?
What would you do if tomorrow you woke up, and your perfect life was turned upside down by the one thing you refuse to accept, include, or respect? What if you were forced to face the one thing you disagree with or refuse to accept as acceptable? Would you change your view, or would you hold tight to your belief even if it meant hurting someone you loved?

I am by all means not perfect, but having Tessa has changed my view on many things. I have softened on things I swore I never would. I can respect not everyone sees things the same way I do, and they have their reason for their belief. I don't have to agree with them to still accept them or like them. Certain things just aren't as important to me anymore. I can be friends with someone I don't exactly agree with all the time. I can be friends with someone I vowed to never speak to again, or swore I hated, because I have come to realize I might have judged them wrong. And I truly believe people do mean well, and sometimes a cautious second chance is needed.

So please, take a moment to see a different point of view, it doesn't mean you have to believe differently, just have an open mind.  Please don't judge someone on their disability or sexual orientation, try accepting them, including them, and treating them with respect. They are people and they deserve all of that. Remember while you're fighting for those things for your child or family member, so are their parents and family.

I'm Not Ready

When Travis was born the thought of him growing up graduating high school, going to college, and starting his own life away from me was a lifetime away. Here I sit  halfway through his senior year, and I find myself panicking. some days I describe the feeling like almost a loss of someone. I know in my heart this is what he has been busting his butt for, that I have been trying to prepare him for. its my job to teach him all he needs to know to survive in the real world, and yet I can't imagine him  not being here everyday.
Yes, I want him to be independent, and successful. I want him to be very happy, to love his life, and maybe someday find a wife, and have his own family. I have always said my job is to raise them, teach them, and make sure they are ready for the real world. My hope is they know that no matter how old they are, or how far away they are, we are, and always will be here for them.

And yet in spite of all of this, it hurts to let him go. I tear up thinking about his graduation ceremony, which happens to occur on his 18th birthday. I tear up thinking about taking him to college and leaving him there and driving the 3 1/2 hr drive home. I struggle with how I am going to do it, and just how much I should let him know it is all ripping my heart out. I don't want him to feel bad or sad about any of it.

I have been trying to figure out what my role becomes, how do I do this. I need to find the words to let him know I want him to go, be his own person, create memories, and start his adult life. I don't expect to be told of every decision, idea or change, but hope I am still one of the people he wants to share the highlights & low points of his life with. I have to find the line I have to balance on, the one where I am giving him his space, yet not making him feel he is not a part of this family.

And I worry! I worry if we go on vacation, or do something fun, exciting, or make changes will he feel left out? Will he know, and understand that while we are caring on with life, we so much want and wish he was there too. I worry if he will be scared, will he be lonely, will it be too much pressure, will he feel like he has to be the best, and if he isn't will he think I will be disappointed?

I never went to college, I moved out the day after I turned 18. I worked & struggled, I made mistakes. I was also made aware of all the things I did wrong, how I needed to grow up, to be more responsible. I worried I would never find happiness, that I would forever be trying to find the life I wanted, the life I thought I deserved.

When I was in high school I lived with my dad, and stepmom. I didn't know where my mom was living or how to get ahold of her, I had to wait for her to call or send a letter. When I was having typical teenage problems, I didn't have my mom. When I went to prom 2 times, I didn't have my mom there offering advice or helping me get ready. But, the biggest time in my teenage years was graduating from high school, it was a big accomplishment and even though I wasn't a good student, I was still graduating. I wanted my mom there, I wanted her to see me graduating, I wanted her to be proud, but she wasn't there.
don't get me wrong, my stepmom filled in for all those milestones for me, she was happy for me, and loved me. But I needed, wanted, and missed my mom. I wished she wanted to be there, for me.

I really believe because of this I find myself unsure of what I am suppose to do for Travis. I want to be supportive, but not overbearing. I want him to know I am so proud of him, and that I love him so incredibly much. I will be there for every milestone in his life, big or small, if he wants me too.

But the biggest thing is, I am not ready to let him go, and if I am truthful, I don't think I ever will be. I had Travis as my buddy, he was an only child for 6 yrs.
I know I will get through this, and I know he is ready. I know he will be just fine, and will do great. I know he will make a new life, and he will be happy. I know all of this in my head and in my heart. But if I am going to be totally honest, I also knew my heart hurts too. I am sure many moms have felt this way to some extent, and some never had these fears, thought, or inability to let go. But, this is me, this is real, and it is going to be for a while. So, for now I carry on everyday wishing I could stop time, and wishing I could see into the future too, If I could see his future I would never worry if he was going to be ok, and I could prepare him for any bumps along his road of life.

I will never be ready, and yet I know it doesn't make a difference, life will go on. I will cope, I will be OK and so will Travis. And, until my last breath on this earth, he will always be my 1st born, my baby boy, 1 of my 3 amazing reasons for living!

So Busy

Here we are again and I haven't blog in forever. I really need to get back to it because it gives me a place to put my thoughts, feeling & opinions. Sometimes it boring, sad, happy, angry, or plain old confusing.
So much has happened and honestly I could probably write many posts addressing each thing individually, but I'll once again do a brief recap. I will be addressing some issues, milestones, and feelings more in separate post too.

Life is moving fast, and I struggle with wanting to hurry up to the fun parts, and wanting it to slow down or stop so I can enjoy & cherish it a bit more.

Over the summer the kids & I went to Indiana to tour a college Travis was considering. It was fun, challenging, and sad. It was when I first realized my 1st born is going to college, and I'm going to miss him more then ever. Travis & I went on a quick trip to North Dakota to tour a college there. It was fun having some alone time with him, it doesn't happen much any more. Finally in November Travis & I flew to Florida for 2 college tours, and a very quick trip to Disney World. It was a fast, busy trip, but we had such a good time. I am eternally grateful to have the time we spent together. We talked, laughed, and I may have secretly teared up a few times.
Travis continues to do amazing in school, and I have no doubt he is going to go very far in this world.

Kaden graduated from elementary school, and started his 1st year of middle school. I was so worried about how 6th grade would go, but it has gone very smooth. He has made many new friends, and loves school. He is doing fairly well, but socializing is more fun then doing school work. He is counting down the days till Travis goes to college, so he can have his room. I see him maturing so fast, and I get sad.

Tessa is growing so fast too. She is so busy getting into trouble & being a stinker. She went to summer school for 6 weeks, and loved it. She went to Indiana, toured a college, and visited her first museum this summer. I was very happy she likes to take road trips, and see new places. This something I did with the boys a lot, but hadn't yet with her. She started preschool in the fall, and is loving it. She knows her alphabet ( upper & lower case), she can count to 10, and lnows her colors. She's been on 2 field trips, and is learning to interact with her peers.
She was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism /Graves disease this spring. She takes meds to control it, and we have seen some great improvements in her sleeping. For now she is monitored every 3 months to makes sure her medicine dose is working, and she isn't experiencing and effects on her liver or blood counts from it.
Tessa will be 4 at the end of the month. Time has gone way too fast!!

Dennis has been working a ton, as usual. He did get to take some time off when Travis & I went to North Dakota, and again when we went to Florida. He did a great job holding down the fort, and taking care of Kaden & Tessa. It was so hard leaving them. Kaden understands, but Tessa doesn't know why mommy left, or when I'm coming back. We did talk via FaceTime, but not sure how much that helped. Dennis loved the break from work, and getting to be Mr Mom. He says if I ever find a job that pays enough to pay all the bills, he would love to be a stay at home dad.

So there is life in a nutshell. Blogging will be more often, and I should be able to add pictures too. Dennis bought me a small notebook/ tablet to use since getting on my computer is harder these days with Tessa & her daily shenanigans.