I'm Not Ready

When Travis was born the thought of him growing up graduating high school, going to college, and starting his own life away from me was a lifetime away. Here I sit  halfway through his senior year, and I find myself panicking. some days I describe the feeling like almost a loss of someone. I know in my heart this is what he has been busting his butt for, that I have been trying to prepare him for. its my job to teach him all he needs to know to survive in the real world, and yet I can't imagine him  not being here everyday.
Yes, I want him to be independent, and successful. I want him to be very happy, to love his life, and maybe someday find a wife, and have his own family. I have always said my job is to raise them, teach them, and make sure they are ready for the real world. My hope is they know that no matter how old they are, or how far away they are, we are, and always will be here for them.

And yet in spite of all of this, it hurts to let him go. I tear up thinking about his graduation ceremony, which happens to occur on his 18th birthday. I tear up thinking about taking him to college and leaving him there and driving the 3 1/2 hr drive home. I struggle with how I am going to do it, and just how much I should let him know it is all ripping my heart out. I don't want him to feel bad or sad about any of it.

I have been trying to figure out what my role becomes, how do I do this. I need to find the words to let him know I want him to go, be his own person, create memories, and start his adult life. I don't expect to be told of every decision, idea or change, but hope I am still one of the people he wants to share the highlights & low points of his life with. I have to find the line I have to balance on, the one where I am giving him his space, yet not making him feel he is not a part of this family.

And I worry! I worry if we go on vacation, or do something fun, exciting, or make changes will he feel left out? Will he know, and understand that while we are caring on with life, we so much want and wish he was there too. I worry if he will be scared, will he be lonely, will it be too much pressure, will he feel like he has to be the best, and if he isn't will he think I will be disappointed?

I never went to college, I moved out the day after I turned 18. I worked & struggled, I made mistakes. I was also made aware of all the things I did wrong, how I needed to grow up, to be more responsible. I worried I would never find happiness, that I would forever be trying to find the life I wanted, the life I thought I deserved.

When I was in high school I lived with my dad, and stepmom. I didn't know where my mom was living or how to get ahold of her, I had to wait for her to call or send a letter. When I was having typical teenage problems, I didn't have my mom. When I went to prom 2 times, I didn't have my mom there offering advice or helping me get ready. But, the biggest time in my teenage years was graduating from high school, it was a big accomplishment and even though I wasn't a good student, I was still graduating. I wanted my mom there, I wanted her to see me graduating, I wanted her to be proud, but she wasn't there.
don't get me wrong, my stepmom filled in for all those milestones for me, she was happy for me, and loved me. But I needed, wanted, and missed my mom. I wished she wanted to be there, for me.

I really believe because of this I find myself unsure of what I am suppose to do for Travis. I want to be supportive, but not overbearing. I want him to know I am so proud of him, and that I love him so incredibly much. I will be there for every milestone in his life, big or small, if he wants me too.

But the biggest thing is, I am not ready to let him go, and if I am truthful, I don't think I ever will be. I had Travis as my buddy, he was an only child for 6 yrs.
I know I will get through this, and I know he is ready. I know he will be just fine, and will do great. I know he will make a new life, and he will be happy. I know all of this in my head and in my heart. But if I am going to be totally honest, I also knew my heart hurts too. I am sure many moms have felt this way to some extent, and some never had these fears, thought, or inability to let go. But, this is me, this is real, and it is going to be for a while. So, for now I carry on everyday wishing I could stop time, and wishing I could see into the future too, If I could see his future I would never worry if he was going to be ok, and I could prepare him for any bumps along his road of life.

I will never be ready, and yet I know it doesn't make a difference, life will go on. I will cope, I will be OK and so will Travis. And, until my last breath on this earth, he will always be my 1st born, my baby boy, 1 of my 3 amazing reasons for living!

So Busy

Here we are again and I haven't blog in forever. I really need to get back to it because it gives me a place to put my thoughts, feeling & opinions. Sometimes it boring, sad, happy, angry, or plain old confusing.
So much has happened and honestly I could probably write many posts addressing each thing individually, but I'll once again do a brief recap. I will be addressing some issues, milestones, and feelings more in separate post too.

Life is moving fast, and I struggle with wanting to hurry up to the fun parts, and wanting it to slow down or stop so I can enjoy & cherish it a bit more.

Over the summer the kids & I went to Indiana to tour a college Travis was considering. It was fun, challenging, and sad. It was when I first realized my 1st born is going to college, and I'm going to miss him more then ever. Travis & I went on a quick trip to North Dakota to tour a college there. It was fun having some alone time with him, it doesn't happen much any more. Finally in November Travis & I flew to Florida for 2 college tours, and a very quick trip to Disney World. It was a fast, busy trip, but we had such a good time. I am eternally grateful to have the time we spent together. We talked, laughed, and I may have secretly teared up a few times.
Travis continues to do amazing in school, and I have no doubt he is going to go very far in this world.

Kaden graduated from elementary school, and started his 1st year of middle school. I was so worried about how 6th grade would go, but it has gone very smooth. He has made many new friends, and loves school. He is doing fairly well, but socializing is more fun then doing school work. He is counting down the days till Travis goes to college, so he can have his room. I see him maturing so fast, and I get sad.

Tessa is growing so fast too. She is so busy getting into trouble & being a stinker. She went to summer school for 6 weeks, and loved it. She went to Indiana, toured a college, and visited her first museum this summer. I was very happy she likes to take road trips, and see new places. This something I did with the boys a lot, but hadn't yet with her. She started preschool in the fall, and is loving it. She knows her alphabet ( upper & lower case), she can count to 10, and lnows her colors. She's been on 2 field trips, and is learning to interact with her peers.
She was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism /Graves disease this spring. She takes meds to control it, and we have seen some great improvements in her sleeping. For now she is monitored every 3 months to makes sure her medicine dose is working, and she isn't experiencing and effects on her liver or blood counts from it.
Tessa will be 4 at the end of the month. Time has gone way too fast!!

Dennis has been working a ton, as usual. He did get to take some time off when Travis & I went to North Dakota, and again when we went to Florida. He did a great job holding down the fort, and taking care of Kaden & Tessa. It was so hard leaving them. Kaden understands, but Tessa doesn't know why mommy left, or when I'm coming back. We did talk via FaceTime, but not sure how much that helped. Dennis loved the break from work, and getting to be Mr Mom. He says if I ever find a job that pays enough to pay all the bills, he would love to be a stay at home dad.

So there is life in a nutshell. Blogging will be more often, and I should be able to add pictures too. Dennis bought me a small notebook/ tablet to use since getting on my computer is harder these days with Tessa & her daily shenanigans.