It has been 5 Years since I blogged. I posted about our last Disney trip and all the issues and sadness. I couldn't image the pure hell the next year would be, but it was only the start of BIG changes!!
I need to first say I still have to be careful with sharing certain things or too much, but I can touch on some major points, and you will still know what has been going on. I just need to be careful for legal reasons, which you will understand soon.
We returned from our Disney trip in October 2016, it was abundantly clear things needed to change, and I also was realizing they weren't going to. I tried with everything I had to save my marriage, a marriage I knew from day one was in trouble. I ignored all the red flags, and was sure I could make it work. It was very clear in 2013, it was getting worse, but again I needed to just "fix" it. By 2015 there was an incident where is was as clear as day, I was not cared about and I still thought IF I would just try harder I could be the "perfect" wife, and things would change for the better.
Fast forward to our Disney trip, and the thing others had been seeing happening right out in the open, right under my nose, and I denied and made excuses for, was infract really happening. It had been going on for 2 years! I was devastated, depressed, sad, and feeling hopeless and trapped. I confronted him many times only to be gaslight and further mentally and emotionally abused. I was determined that I had to put every last bit I had into trying to fix this, because if I was heading towards a divorce, I needed to look my kids in the eye and say "I tried everything I could to fix this"
Travis came home in May of 2017 for the summer, and I was so happy to have all my kids home. but that happiness changed to deep sadness and feeling like I had failed my kids. Travis texted me and asked me to come to his room, he needed to talk to me. I walked in to Travis crying, really crying and upset. He told me he felt like his dad had changed, that he acted like he hated me, and that he treated me like shit. I could not believe he was seeing what I had been living for many years, and that I failed at hiding it from my kids. I told Travis things had been strained and I was honestly not sure what was going to happen. I told him I would stay if that is what he wanted. Travis through his tears said " you haven't been happy for a long time. Dad acts like he hates you and us kids, he is never around, and never wants to do anything with us. You do what you need to and we will be OK" Travis tried talking to his father only to be lied to, and even wrote a letter to him before returning to college, again only to be completely ignored.
Things blew up at the end of September and I filed for divorce. It was sad, scary, and a big relief too. Things got much worse at home, and it was a nightmare. My divorce was finalized in October 2018, and yet today I am still dealing with crap. I had hoped it wouldn't end this way, and I naively hoped he wouldn't continue to drag stuff out nearly 3 yrs later, but I am learning he is hell bent on making sure I am "punished" and he wasn't joking when he told the judge I needed to be.
There is some good in all of this though. The kids and I moved to a nice apartment, lived in a safe, clean, and normal area. We had lots of walking paths and parks to utilize and were learning what it meant to be "normal" and happy. Travis Graduated college in 2020, and we all moved into an amazing house with lots of room, a play house for Tessa and a fenced in backyard. we are loving our new home, and are still adjusting to being in a neighborhood, where people are nice, and actually being part of a community, having friends, and feeling safe, happy, healthy and respected. Kaden Graduated high school in 2021, and was able to do so with his last named changed at school to my maiden name.
It would be fair, and truthful to say I am changed, and I am healing. But it would also be fair and truthful to say I changed back to who I was before I was broken, the girl who was always inside me screaming and crying, wanting to be respected, cared for and loved, wanting to have a normal life. I learned through therapy that the life I had lived for 21 years, and the life my kids knew for their whole lives was not normal, it was destructive and not healthy in anyway. I didn't deserve any of it and neither did they.
But we are all healing. We have done more new adventures as a family- a new little family, then we ever did prior to the divorce. My kids are seeing what a family looks like, acts like and feels like. They are learning that I can and will do everything in my power to protect them and give them the life they need, want and deserve. We are good, and we are happy!
***Obviously there are many missing details, but I have gloss over them. I want to get back to blogging, and being the honest and open person I have always been, but I have to choose how transparent I am with certain things for now****
