Some Things I Hate To Admit

When I was little I had this vision of what my kids would be like, I had my life planned out, and it was going to be perfect.
I would have perfect, healthy, smart kids, I would have a perfect drama free life, I was going to have it all. And why did I think this?? Because I deserved it.

But, as we all know life isn't like that, and anyone who says their life is, is lying.

What I got was married, had a stepson, had 3 kids and I am a stay at home mom. Nothing is perfect like I thought, but it is perfect like I was meant to have.

But I would be lying if I said I am or have always been happy and content with what I have been "dealt" in life. While some women cringe & shutter to think of telling the truth about their feelings, I think it is only fair. I am not always proud of these feelings and thoughts, but I have to own them.

When Travis was diagnosed with Aspergers I cried, A LOT!! I knew nothing about it and when I was told it was a form of Autism I freaked. He was my perfect little boy, I was not suppose to have a child with something "wrong" with him. But I researched, and read every little thing I could. I learned how to deal with it and soon figured out that I had been dealing with many of his "quirks" for years and this is no different. I did have a hard time with his severe anxiety, but I too had some anxiety , so I had to deal with and adjust for both of us. I needed to suck it up, deal with the things that made me anxious to show him it was OK.

I am not proud to admit, I was sad, scared, and yes, in the beginning embarrassed to admit my son had Aspergers!

I am happy to say not much with Kaden made me have bad thoughts and feelings. I worried he would never talk, but that was soon fixed and he won't shut up now.

But then there is Tessa.
I was not planning to have another baby, I wasn't happy to find out I was pregnant. I briefly thought about not having her. This was all within the 1st week of finding out I was pregnant.
When I had my 1st ultrasound at 20 weeks and I was told she might have Down syndrome, I cried, A LOT! I had no solid proof other then a slightly thickened Nuchal fold. I would have to wait 3 weeks to see a high risk Dr.
Here is where I have to admit to the thoughts and feelings I am not proud of.
I did not know anything about DS. I only knew the stuff I was told growing up and what I had seen. When I was younger there were kids in school with DS, but they were picked on, made fun of and never had friends. They always seemed to have not nice fashionable clothes on, always had crappy haircuts and it seemed like their parents didn't care if they looked the part of what we back in the '70's called the R-word.

I was terrified that Tessa was going to have DS, and no matter what I tried she would look the part. I was afraid she would not be cute, she would be impossible to raise, and that everywhere I went she would be embarrassing to me.
A week after I had my ultrasound we went to Disney World. I was so very happy to be having a girl, but was so torn when I would look at the little girl stuff there. I had always dreamed of having a little girl to dress up and shower with all things pink and girly, yet I felt like I was possibly being cheated. While we didn't know for sure if she had DS, I knew in my heart she did. I was mad, why would I finally be given a little girl only to be given a "broken" one.
I struggled with buying her cute frilly things, because I feared people would laugh at me and her. I worried that people would think I was in denial of her not being cute.

It makes me so sad to admit these things now, because I can't imagine ever treating her any different then any other little girl. She is beautiful, she is smart, and she could never embarrass me. She deserves to have frilly, pink girly things, and she deserves to have the best of everything.

Tessa is not "broken", she isn't a cruel joke God was playing on me. She is in fact the exact little girl I was always meant to have, I just didn't know it back then.

I have accepted both Travis & Tessa's Syndromes. I would never change anything about them, and if you told me tomorrow you could cure them both, I would say "No Thank You".
Don't get me wrong, I do truly wish they didn't have the challenges they have and will face in their lifetimes, but I also know these things help make them the strong, amazing kids they are.

Tessa and Travis have so much fun together!!

I am better when it comes to Travis now, I don't cry anymore. But I have to admit, I do still cry when it comes to Tessa. Some days I don't know why, others I do. I also know it is completely OK too.
When you have a child with DS, you love your child so much, you are proud of them and wouldn't change them, BUT you also are mourning the life and child you had envisioned. I have been told that some moms have taken 5 yrs to completely stop crying. Will I take that long, or will I take longer???? I don't know, but I do know as time goes by I have to keep being honest with myself and others with my feelings and thoughts. I think keeping them inside, or pretending everything is OK 24/7 is wrong and painful.

So there you have it. Trust me there will be many more post like this one as the kids grow, and I become more comfortable admitting to these things.

Thoughts and Feelings I Wasn't Aware Of

Yesterday we went to the graduation party of my nieces best friend, the one Tessa is named after. My niece is up visiting and it was wonderful to see her as well.
But something has been brewing inside of me for about a week and it finally surfaced and has hit me square in the heart.

For weeks I have been so looking forward to the end of the school year, and to seeing my niece and going to this party. Tessa is an amazing young woman, who is not only very smart, but funny,loving, compassionate, beautiful, and will do many great things in her life. She is the type of daughter any parent would love to have.
But for some reason, when I would think of her graduating, and this party I would tear up. I never could figure out why, but then late one night while rocking Tessa it hit me.... right in the heart!

As I sat rocking Tessa in the quiet, darkness of the night, I realized that the reason I was tearing up, and at this point crying was because I can't say for sure what my sweet, baby girls future will be.
Yes, I know she will go to school, she will read, write, talk, play, and have friends. She will graduate high school, possibly go to college, I hope she goes to school dances, has a boyfriend, knows love, all the things any parent wishes for their child.
But when I thought about my niece and her friend Tessa, and their lives, I can't help but feel sad. They too have done and will do all the things I wish for Tessa, but they will also someday have the joy and happiness of holding their own baby in their arms.
This was always my wish as a little girl, and I think most little girls, however this is something my precious little girl will never feel.

I know to some people this seems silly to worry about, but think about this, imagine this was your child.

Yes, Tessa is physically capable of having children, but she can not, and should not. This is something I struggle with all the time.I know she is only 16 months right now, and this is not something I need to worry about for a while, I still think about it. When I look into her eyes and see the love there, I feel bad that she will never experience that. Someday I will have to explain to her, that while we have raised her to be no different then any other kid, she is in fact different. And like it or not, life is not fair.

I sometimes have to stop myself from thinking these things, and for thinking too far in the future. Like any mother of a "typical" child I do some days think about the future and what it holds for my kids. I have concerns and some anxiety about Travis too, but as he has gotten older, I have seen him overcome so much, and be so strong, that I have a greater sense of calm about his future.

So just like with many things since Tessa has been born, I find myself more aware of my thoughts and feelings about many issues. It is for this exact reason I started this blog. To show that we are like any other family, but also my life isn't always perfect, happy, or pretty, but it is always real. I need a place to write "voice" my feelings and concerns, to be honest about them. Some I am not proud to think or feel, but I can not hide them either.