We took Travis to college on August 22nd, we stayed until the 23rd. I said my good byes, and cried a bit, cried more when I was driving, and lost it walking into the house. I found myself not able to function, and the physical pain was more then I could stand.
I tried to focus on Tessa & Kaden, getting them ready for school & surgery for Tessa, but I would just lose it whenever anyone asked how Travis was doing. I couldn't answer that because I didn't know. He seemed very nervous, and stressed, but he also seemed to be calmer then I expected too. I worried was he trying to be brave for me, was he actually terrified or sad? I didn't know and the thought of him being upset, sad, scared or anything made me cry & feel like a failure.
From the day he was born I vowed to never let my kids feel like I wasn't there for them, or that I had abandoned them. I never wanted them to worry I wouldn't be there for them, yet at this moment I couldn't physically be there for him.
When Travis was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome & severe anxiety at the age of 8, our world changed. Every aspect of our lives was regimented. we followed a strict schedule, any changes had to be gone over extensively. I spent every moment watching, and anticipating situations that needed to be addressed to make it more comfortable. I did everything I needed to make life more safe, comfortable, calm, peaceful for him. I spent more hours in IEP meetings trying to make sure he got the best environment, staff & resources available to help him become successful. I made sure those around him understood he wasn't being a jerk, a baby, or I wasn't babying him, I was doing what needed to be done for him to even be able to function in this life. He wasn't trying to be rude, condescending, or anything else others thought, he was trying to learn to be more accepted by society, but somedays it was harder.
He had come along way in those 10 yrs before college. and he made some great progress. However he will always have Asperger's & anxiety, and no matter how much we all wish it wasn't so, it is. He will always struggle with many aspects of it ,there will be many things in his adult life that will be hard, very hard, and sad. I will always be here advocating, comforting, and teaching him, I will never give up on helping him. The ultimate goal for him, and for any child is to get them into college, get them out into the world, and see them successful & happy.
So yes, this was what we had worked for, but it was a big deal, and it was terrifying too.
He is 4 hrs away, if he has a bad day, I can't give him a hug and help him processes it. He is an adult, and there is only so much I can legally do to help him, without going to court & taking away his rights. FYI: This will never happen!!
So while this is the goal, and yes I am very happy, it still is hard, and I was still so sad. He worked so hard to get to college, he has known for a long time this is what he wants, and he has done everything possible to get here. He deserves to be in college, he deserves a good life, and he deserves to be happy while doing it.
I am happy to report, he is starting his 4th week of school, and seems to be doing just fine. The kids & I are going to see him in 2 days & I am so excited. I miss him, I miss our talks, I miss seeing his stuff here. But, I am so incredibly proud he is doing good, he's taking care of himself, and advocating for himself too.
So for those who say how is it now that Travis is gone, I say....He is not gone, he is just at college right now!!
No comments:
Post a Comment