How Are You??

 How are you? 

No...Honestly, How are you?

If I had to answer that I'd always say "I'm good" Even now I say it a lot., Why? Great question... because in the past I was not, not even close to being "good", hell I wasn't even OK! 

Now, I do say it, and most of the time it's true, I really am doing very well. The other times, I say it because I just don't want to get into why I am not. I don't want to get into the reason after all this time I am still dealing with little offshoots of the shit-show I lived. None of it is big issues, it's just the crap that he still likes to pull, and it's annoying.

Sometimes when I'm not good, it's just the normal stresses of being an adult, and single mom to 2 adult children at home, as well as an 11 yr old with a disability. 

Are the kids OK, really OK?  Did I forget any of the bills?  What's for dinner?  Did I forget to put the clothes in the dryer? Did I do my timesheet? Just usual, normal random crap. But somedays that usual random crap gets overwhelming.

 Somedays I wish I could turn over the "adult in charge" role to someone else. Somedays I wish I had a normal, kind, loving husband to take over for a bit. But then I remember this life, and all the frustrations, stresses, and crap, is a life I wanted, wished, and dreamed of. I am living a life of happiness, freedom, and "calm". I am in control of my money, time and decisions. I don't have to ask before buying groceries, or going to target. I can buy the kids things they need, or want without having to ask first or get yelled at for asking if I can. I always try to remember where I came from, and even in those overwhelming, and stressful moments, I pause and remember to be grateful, and realized I am OK, and this is "normal" life.

So now when someone says "How are you"? I say "I'm good, could be better, but I'm good" and actually mean it.

We all have issues, we all have moments where we just want to scream and cry, and we all have moments where we just want to cry or give up. The thing I try to remember is that, it won't last forever, and how you perceive it, and the attitude you have impacts the outcome. I always try to find 1 good thing in every situation. Sometimes that thing is really hard to find, but there is always something, even if that something is you're still here. Life can be tough, but it's much harder if you feel sorry for yourself and walk around with a bad "poor me" attitude. 

Lately I try to find a positive in everything, but also end up finding something funny as well. I have found the kids and myself laughing a lot more at the "crappy" things then ever before. I find myself often saying "it's fine, it's going to be fine, it's all fine' then laugh, and whisper "serenity now". Life is way too short to be angry, stressed, or negative anymore. Shit happens, people are shitty, and you can't control any of it. However you can control how you react, perceive, or deal with it. Once you decide to stop the negative thoughts, and find the good & funny in it, life becomes easier. Stop staying "I wish" and start saying "I will", then start doing what it takes to make it happen. Get out of the situation if it's draining you, get a different job if its become pure hell being there, leave the marriage/relationship if it's not happy and healthy.

 Change is scary, and often hard, but in the end it is often the best thing, and you end up in the much better place. So Jump... Close Your Eyes, Take A Deep Breath, and JUMP!!!

Just make sure while you're waiting to land you leave all the negative crap, and ways you've done things behind. You will land on both feet, a bit damaged  and bruised, you'll be scared, lost and possibly sad, but you made the jump. Get up, smile, and start! You start with your new attitude, new plans, goals, and perceptions. You are in control, and anyone or anything that doesn't support, encourage or help you reach your new goals & life, don't get to come along, or be in it. Anyone that you allow on your journey should respect, and love you, make you happy, and work just as hard as you do to create your life together.

I have already jumped, and landed. I have started to stand up, and start my new life, and I am at a point where it's time to be brave, and open my heart to life, try trusting again. One day I will  find someone to continue on this journey with me, someone to share in all the happy & sad times, someone to go on adventures with, and share the boring everyday life with. I will find someone who wants to be with me, and is grateful for all life has to offer, someone who isn't perfect, doesn't try to be, and doesn't expect me to be either. I will find someone who will hold my hand through it all, and someone who will find the positive & funny in everyday. Someone who will laugh as often and as hard as I do about everything and nothing. But most importantly, someone I can trust!! Someone who won't run if it gets hard, someone who won't shut me out and ignore me when it's hard. Someone who makes promises and keeps them, and who says "I've got you", "I am not going anywhere", or "I love you", and they truly mean it. Someone who lets me into their heart, and trusts me when I say those things, and  knows I mean it all 100%.

So... For now I am working on me, life, everything. I know I will achieve my goals, I will be happy, my kids will be happy & healthy, and I will find my "someone" when the time is right. Who knows, maybe I have found them, and not know they are my "someone" just yet. 

So.. How are you???

I am OK, could always be better, but I am actually pretty good!!